Indecisive

“What do you mean?” Ethan pulls me closer. “You don’t have to think about anything. There’s only us in this house. I want to hear your voice. 

“This is not about that, you’re distracting me.” I have to get away from him. I will regret this thing as soon as it is over. “Do I look that easy for you?” He will give up for sure this time. 

“I may have taken a liking on you, Leah.” His voice sounds distressed. “And... I tried to imagine your reactions, it is priceless but why do you keep on running away?” Ethan’s eyes turn to deep black. 

He puts his hand at my back. Gives me shivers and my knees become weak, I have no strength to fight him. There are no words utter, he made me sit on top of him, started with kisses, he goes down and bite my neck. I scream but not because I am in pain, it feels good. Too good that I wanted more. I bite him back, we lost control of ourselves. My heads start to feel dizzy, I could only feel his touch all around me. When he strips off my gown, he stops to stare at me. I am disappointed. 

“Leah… Hmm. I want to do more than this. You look so beautiful.” He smiles. 

I can feel he’s getting hard, our breathing sounds like having a fight trying to compete with each other. “Ethan… stop.” I can feel his finger inside me. I feel like drowning and short of breath. I am a fool for love. 

“No, can do. I am at my limit.” He uses his body forcing me to collapse at the bed and proceed to go down at me. 

I scream in shock, took the sheets to cover my upper body. He can see all of me that makes me feel exposed, my body is nowhere perfect. I need him to hurry up, I don’t want to pick up feelings this is just sex, and this makes me feels damn good, I deserve more than this.  I learn my lessons. No more feeling shy, I start to be honest. “If… you, hnngh, keep on doing that. I’m going… no. Ethan. Shit! Ahh…” He made me came twice in a row, playing and twisting his tongue inside. Personally, this is my favourite positions. I could do this all day. This room makes my head spinning but when our body touch. it erases it all, 

“Good girl. Now, tell me if it hurt, I will slow down.” His face changes and become more tender. 

[Inhale, exhales,] I can feel that he’s holding back. “Kiss it for me and you can flip me over. I’m not a virgin anymore. No one. Treats me like this. Now. Hng. More, deeper. Ethan.” 

He flinched and smirk, did what I ask, I am not going to lie but I feel amazing. I do not ask for anything else but this way of him showing that he cares for me is all I want. We barely met, less than one week but I feel that I have known him forever, I have a lot of things to regret, I am not able to resist him anymore and making myself less valuable than this but this is what I want for myself. “You can go harder than this. I don’t mind. Ethan.” I pull him down to me, he goes deeper and I scream. Embarrassed for the voice I made, I hide my face from him with my hand. 

“I may… or crave for you but I am not going to hurt you. Leah. Tell me if this hurts you.” he goes in deeper and slowly, takes my hands away. “Don’t cover yourself. I want to see all of you. Hmm. you’re so beautiful.” 

There’s no word needed from me, I have given myself completely to him and now he already has a taste on me. I cry out his name and he made love to me, we’ve done it until late evening when he finally stops. When I wake up, the sun is almost down and I can’t do this anymore, I have a million reasons to leave but I choose to stay then this happens. I stand up to look at the mirror, Ethan has not yet wakened up, he looks peaceful like there’s nothing wrong he did. This is it, I have no idea what to do anymore, I ended up call sheila to pick me up, I have to put an end to this and act normal, I have a plan and being with him will ruin everything. Since I have known my way around to the kitchen, I can easily escape from his house. 

Sheila was taken aback when I send her the location but she still came. ‘Hey, are you alright?” she hugs me instantly.

“I’m not. Can we go? Please.” last night I was caught in the moment, I care too much. She didn’t bring me home instead we end up in our usual hangout place. When we arrive, I am overwhelmed by what happens,

“Babe.. you have to talk to me. What is going on, why are you crying? I’m worried. Leah.” she hugs me. 

“You know, Ethan, the new kid. We bailed right before you… and the house that you see belong to him. [sobs] I was… drawn by him and we fuck or made love, I don’t even know what am I doing. I’m such an idiot. Sheila.” 

“That’s… wow, isn’t he young? But you have to let it go, like one nightstand, forget him, you know what’s better fuck him! now screams no one is around,... You can do it.” She urges me. 

“Fuck you- I don’t need you. Arghhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck you, Ethan!!!!!”  That feels good, I feel relieved. 

“Good! That’s how you do it. Now, what do you want to do babe? We have class at five. Can you make it?” She pats my back slowly, making me calm and thinking straight.

“I will come but what I need now, I want to soak myself in your humongous bathtub for an hour and sleep. Yes… can I do that?” I need that. Desperately. 

“What? You’re talking about. Of course, you can! You’re my family. Ly.” 

I can tell one thing for sure, she’s the only one that helped me go through all of this shit, I am grateful till this day. “ Thank you, Sheila. Let’s go, I’m fine now.” I smile. 

She nodded and we head back to her house, I lost my appetite since yesterday but I still don’t feel like chewing anything. Knowing sheila, she has asked her maid to prepared everything. What a life she had, it is meant for her. When I first met her, sheila offered me a seat in the class and start to talk to me, even though she belongs to the “Popular” group consists of cheerleader and footballers. She was pulling me in, and perhaps I looked lonely or what. She was never quick to judge, that’s her character but she never the type to impress anyone. Her dad makes her famous instantly, with his career as an actor back in old days. She’s my best friend, they say it’s true that the one who loyal will never turn their back on you. I will repay her someday, my eyes are distracted; it is getting heavier. I try to fight it… but I couldn’t. I rest my head on the passenger seat and let myself go ----

“Ly… wake up.”

 I can hear someone calling my name the person how my body cannot move. I know that it is time for me to wake up so I try my best to open one of my eyes and it's Sheila.

“wake up you have been sleeping the whole day. you have to eat something.”  Sheila tries to coax me. 

“how long have I been asleep? do you know?”  I'm awake.

“Of course, I know. You missed yesterday and today class. I—even asked Maria to look over you, here drink this and eat my sandwich. Alright?” Sheila sounds pissed off.

“Thank you--- babe, look I am eating this, so… [chew] delicious. Did you cook this?” Trying my best to swallow every bite, it is delicious, but I feel like vomiting.

“I need you to clean yourself and come to Henry class, he was not happy when you absent.”

“Yes, give me fifteen minutes, twenty tops. Love you, shell. Thank you.”

“I love you too, Ly, don’t do this again babe, I’ll be downstairs.” 

“Got you.” I finished the whole sandwich and few fruits, I was famished. That gives me the energy to stand on my feet, get into the bathtub and close my eyes. I have to own one of this thing. “You’ll be worth every penny.” I am thinking about him. Now, that my eyes wide awake, every memory come fresh in my mind, his touch, words, and face. His face, demanding for love and attention. I’m scared, that I will give in to my nature, always trying to fix someone to be better. It became a habit when my dad listens to my mom to quit smoking so that her asthma will go away. It makes me feel better and that’s how I ended up being left by them. 

“You’re so bossy, always thinking that you’re right and you always--- always had an answer to everything. Brilliant. You will be alone. Leah. for the rest of your life! Do you hear me? If you keep pushing me away like this--- fuck! Say something!!!! I’m leaving.!” 

 I open my eyes, gasping for air. Why did it come back, just to haunt me after all this time? It’s my fault when he died. All of it is on me. I know that, calm my shits down and walk out of the room. I have enough burden to carry, heard it before and I am used to it. Wiped my tears off and get ready. Sheila playing dress-up with my outfit, I end up looking like a typical cheerleader uniform. “Well, this will do. Anything for you. Shell.” I shake my head and goes downstairs. I don’t even have anything to bring to the class. 

“Are you done? Your bag and books inside. Let’s go. Ly.” Sheila hands me my bag. 

“What will I do without you…” I smile and almost break down but I manage to hold it in. We manage to get through the subjects and it’s the last class for us. I have to talk to Hardin so that he will not flunk me. He looks at me like I a feast,  I will never do anything for him. 

“Sheila, I need to speak to him after this class. You can go first.” I don’t want her to worry about me. 

“Are you sure? I can wait for you.” She offers. 

“No, I’m fine. I have to go back and finish my essay anyway. So… see you soon?” 

“Call me, Leah. Don’t let him into your mind for too long.” She left me as soon as we are dismissed, she has other things to do besides babysitting me. I should handle him on my own. 

“Leah… where have you been?”