Family

I booked the earliest bus to go to Denver, that will give me enough time to see mom and go to him. The last time that I see him was 3 months ago. He’s with someone else, slightly older than me, he wants money to head to vegas and fuck around with his life. I have no idea who he is anymore, he’s not my father. Ethan called few times. I stare at the screen, contemplating to pick up, I wait for the screen to be dim and closed my eyes. I have done nothing but troubling everyone that I know. They do not deserve to be treated like that. The weather is getting cold, and Christmas is just around the corner. I want a decent meal and see mom, she’s been losing weight the last time that I hug her. I was avoiding both of them, took the hit from their separations and kept it inside me. I learn to cry without tears and stuff my ears with an earplug, I could not hear their fights. I hate them, for ruining my childhood. I was too young to understand and they are too young to end up on this giant mess. There is no manual handbook given for any of us. I have not yet forgiven them but I-- am not angry. No more. Resentment has done me no good. As I walk closer, to our house. I do not know when but this place is no longer call home by me. I came back, just for her.

Knock, knock--

“Leah?... what are you doing here baby? You should’ve called. Come here. I missed you.” She hugs me. I meltdown.

“Hey. mom. [sobs].”

“Honey… why are you sad. It’s going to be ok. Come inside, I will make you something.”

“I feel like a bad person. Mixing my priorities, I send someone to jail. Everyone starts to point fingers at me. it starts to weigh me down. Ma. [sobs].”

“Did he hurt you? Why didn’t you call me? Leah. what happens to your knees?”

“I fell.”

“Leah. Why do you keep on doing this? Stop hurting yourself.”

“I’m not. I defended myself and my friends.”

“I know but how about your scholarships?”

“I’m thinking about it ma. I have no choice. I had to do it or someone else will get hurt again.”

“I know, but take care of yourself.”

“I will ma. I can’t stay long. Dad is here. He wants to meet at our usual spots.”

“You do not need to give him anything. I know he only wants money. [Sobs]”

“Please don’t cry ma. I can handle this, let me talk to him and see what he said.” it’s a lie and both of us knew it.

“Drink this first, Leah. It’s freezing outside. Make yourself warm.”

“I know mom. Thank you. For everything.”

“I should be thanking you. For doing this. For us.”

“It’s alright mom. I will do whatever I can for you. Please eat something, will you? Look at you ma. I’m worried.” I check her body thoroughly.

“Are you sick mom? Is there anything wrong?”

“Nope, I’m just tired.”

“Call me. Mom. please. If anything.” I kiss her and bid her goodbye. I know that we do not have to say more. She knows that I love her and vice versa. I am not ready to meet my dad. I wish I can just sleep this off and forget about him. I haven’t been into work for 3 days, and there goes my allowance this month, mom was really worried, I end up using thicker coats and shoes. She does have a point. It starts to get colder each night, I light up another cigarette. Stops halfway and makes myself comfortable on the wall before taking another puff, I see him. Walking towards the restaurants looking scared and he’s a mess. He notices me but walks straight into the restaurant, left me baffled. I usually get words from him about my habits. Someone is following him from behind. My instinct says something’s not right. I throw the buds at the streets and followed the guy. He sits two tables away from us but has his eyes on my dad.

“Dad.”

“Hello. Leah.”

“Dad--- you need to explain to me. What’s going on?”

“Shhh-- he will listen. Come. sit here. Order a drink. I have mine.”

I sat down and look at him, we haven’t met for some time and this is what he looks like. He promised that he will fix this lifestyle and live like a normal person. Money sounds better on his dictionary. He aims too high with empty hope.

“I-- I need you to pay him 2 grand and he will let me go. I swear [sobs] it was supposed to be one game and I was supposed to win the whole money but that mother-fuck cheats and takes it all.”

“2 grand? Are you serious right now?”

“Yes, or not they will kill me. Ple-- I beg you. Leah. save me.”

“Why-- are you like this dad? Aren’t you tired keep on living your life like this? Please--- [sobs].” I don’t know who to blame anymore. “Fine… I will give you the money. You need to fix your life or stay away from our life!” I left the restaurant and find the nearest bank to withdraw my money. I only have enough to give him and that’s my tuitions fee for this semester, my scholarships funds runs out early this year, I have no more money left except for my bus fare. I am devastated. He’s not joking, they are going to end his life, It’s getting late, I will miss the last bus if I stayed longer. I go back inside and slam the money at the guy who’s waiting for him. “This is your money. Leave, before I call the cops.” He looks at me unbothered and laughs.

“Your dad is a piece of shit.” He bangs the door.

I sit across him, trying to process what just happen. This is not the first time, he did this. I want to put an end before I leave this place. I kneel in front of him. “This--- is what I have left. You can take it and go far away from here Dad, get help--- or a job. Don’t come to mom. I mean it. We’ve had enough of this. Goodbye Dad, I love you.” I care too much and this what happens, more than myself.

“I’m sorry. Leah. [sobs] I do. [sobs]” He hugs me.

“I know. I forgive you. Bye, Dad.” He used to tell me, he’s proud of me. Fills me with confidence and love. I have big dreams of making our life better but he crashes it or it’s just me. My existence is a mistake. My heart is aching, even right now, he doesn’t care about me, about us, it’s always going to be about him. I light up another cigarette. Inhales it like it is my last day on earth. Let this tobacco kills me. I have no desire, I keep telling myself that he could change, fix his life and come back to mom, she needs him. I know. I can’t stand the pain every time I see his face. My face is freezing and my eyes, it became stings and red because all I did was crying. I have to make sure that I do not miss the bus, if not. I will miss the classes. “Damn it!” I fasten my pace to the nearest hub, trying to make it. When I reach there, I was too late.

“Wait! Please. Shit. hello? I need a ticket to go back to college. Can you help?” I spoke to the cashier.

“Sorry, that’s the last bus.” She answer short.

“But… I only have this left. Can you check for me? My college is at Oregon State University. Please… I beg you.”

“No. the last bus left. Wait for the first bus.”

“Please… this is important.”

“Listen. Next time, DO NOT miss your bus. Honey.”

“But-- I.” She did not give me any chance to explain and shuts the small window and continues to binge-watch. “Fuck! Fuck! fuck! Can these days go a lot worse?” I yelled internally in my head, I have nowhere to go, I could not go to mom, she will interrogate me what I do to him and I know, she doesn’t have enough money. About 20 minutes it will be midnight and the weather is killing me, my whole body becomes numb and shaking. “I need to eat something.” I look at my phone, it’s almost died and I do not know who to call and do. I have no choice [stands up], I can go home and take the first bus, I can still make it to an evening class. I can see someone is heading towards me.

“Leah.”

“Ethan? What are you doing here?” what---” he hugs me.

“I’m here to pick you up and I have food in my car.” He didn’t let go.

“I-- who called you? Is it sheila? I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have come here…”

“It’s alright. Let’s go. You’re freezing.”

I couldn’t say more, I was overwhelmed and surprised by him. When we were inside, he did not ask anything and hand me water and food. “Hmm… this is so good. Thank-- you…” I continue to eat as he drives away. He gives me extra blankets from the behind seat, I could see that he’s prepared to go here. I tried to keep my eyes open but when he was around. I feel safe. My eyelids start to get heavier and I blacked out.

****************

“This happened because of you! I sacrifice my life for you and what did you do? You fuck around and gamble all of our money! ALL OF IT! What the fuck is going on with you! Tell me. You are not going to touch Leah anymore. Don’t come to us. Jack! Fuck off! Get out!”

“No! Mom!” I wake up panting, catching up my breath. I’m suffocating [coughs]

“Hey… hey. Leah. that’s just a nightmare. It’s alright. I’m here. I’m right here. Here drink water.” He pulled away from the road and looked at me intensely.

“Tha- thanks. I’m sorry. I- [sobs]” I started to cry and I do not even know how to stop it.

“Let’s check in to a nearby hotel. We are only 2 hours away. You can make it to class.”

“How about you Ethan? Why are you doing this? I’m not worth it.” I continue to sobs. This is none of his business.

“Let’s go.” He replied and we end up in one of the motels.

He’s being quiet all night even when I just finished showering, he took care of me and dry off my hair. I looked down looking at him. Why did he even go this extent to help me when all I did is avoiding him. I stop him and look at his face. He looks hurt. “Come here. Let’s talk.”

“You can tell when your ready, for now. Let’s sleep. Leah. lay down.” He tucked me in, like a kid.

I am frustrated, not being able to let him know what happens but the way he treats me. Sheila did the same when she knew for the first time. She must have told him. “Ethan, Why are you here...” he hugs me even tighter when I ask the questions and looks at me. His eyes were gentle and soft, I am waiting for his response.

“I’m worried. Leah.”

“But, why?”

“That’s all no but.”

“I want to know. Ethan. Why would you do something like this for me?”

“What’s up with you with questions? Can we get over this and sleep? You have class tomorrow.”

He pulls me closer, I could hear his heartbeat. He’s calm as ever and here I am getting all worked up. “I---” with no warning, he pushes his lips on mine, one of his hand is on my neck. I could feel the burning sensations on my body just by his touch then he stops. “Hmm. Why do you stop?”

“Sleep. Leah.”