Chapter 16: It Will Never Be Okay

Leila's POV

I tightened the straps of the bag against my back and sucked in a harsh breath as the same nervous feeling I had moments ago came surging back into my body. There was no doubt in my mind that I was extremely nervous; as if my sweaty palms and rapidly beating heart weren't already a big indication.

Some days ago my mom called saying that she wanted to meet me in the nearest park. Well, today was that day. I was finally going to meet my mom.

I slipped into the elevator and clicked the ground floor before the doors started to close shut. But before it could a hand stuck through the space and the doors slid open before Peter slipped inside.

"Hi!" I squealed and he frowned deeply as he eyed me peculiarly, "why so. . .jittery?" He asked as I bounced on my heels anxiously.

"I'm not jittery." I chuckled nervously as I turned my attention to the control panel. Silence enveloped us before he suddenly coughed and patted me on the shoulder. I swivelled my eyes towards him and smiled, "yes?"

"Do you wanna grab lunch with me? I'm on my way to get something to eat," he asked.

"It's nearly five and I have somewhere to be, I'm sorry. Maybe another time?" He frowned deeply and nodded his head in understanding. The doors to the elevator slipped open and I planted a kiss against his cheek before toppling out.

"Take care!" I exclaimed as I waved him goodbye.

I made my way out of the school and towards the parking lot. I slipped into my car, unlocked the door and slipped in before pulling onto the streets.

After three freaking years, this year is going to be four, I haven't seen my mom.

I miss her but I'll never forget how she abandoned dad and I. How she damaged him so badly that he became unrecognizable. I don't even know who this man is anymore, he's someone but he definitely isn't my dad.

I will forgive her one day, but I'll never forget.

After driving around aimlessly, I finally got the park she said to meet at and slipped out of my car. I locked it behind me and strutted into the park as I gazed around looking for her. After a while of searching, I decided that she might have bailed and prepared to get back to my car before something caught my eye a distance away.

I watched the familiar blonde woman, hunched over on the park bench, her blonde matted locks toppled over her face as she fiddled with her fingers nervously. Her skin was paler than the last time I saw her, and even from standing a distance away, I could see how much weight she's lost.

What the hell happened to her?

She looks. . . sick.

I hesitated before sauntering towards her slowly. I gulped down the bile that rose in my throat and lowered myself down beside her. "M-mom?" She immediately snapped her head upwards and I gasped as her bloodshot red eyes interlocked with mine.

She coughed and smiled softly as she ran her hands through her tangled hair. "Leila, wow you look–you look good." She nodded her head frantically and began muttering something under her breath.

I remember my mom having beautiful tanned skin. Blonde hair so bright and silky everyone who ever encountered her was always tempted to run their hands through it. She was tall, slim and beautiful. . .utterly beautiful.

She was employed at one of the best banks in our city and had just been promoted to a higher position a week before the incident happened.

Then when we lost him she became an alcoholic. So badly that she went to work dead drunk to the point where her boss fired her. She and my Dad's relationship began to grow sour, they fought mostly every day and eventually they filed for a divorce because my dad couldn't handle how much she had lost herself.

She blamed me for my brothers death.

Always did.

My father never blamed me. . .well not until my mother left that is. He lost everything and was only left with me, the person who lured my brother out into the night where he faced his death and drew my mother away because she couldn't stand to look at me.

They all blamed me.

They all hated me.

"H-how have you been my baby girl? A-are you doing okay with dad?" She asked as she tried to make eye contact with me but I refused, it hurt too much to look into her eyes. "I don't live with dad anymore. I'm in college, Dad never liked me after you left so what's new, mom?" I snapped and she pursed her lips in a thin line before nodding her head awkwardly.

"Well, I'm working again, well a-at a restaurant. I have a boyfriend now, we've been dating for a year n-now. He has a kid, sweet boy. D-do you have a job, Leila?" She asked.

"No," I mumbled, a frown creeping onto my lips. So she's working again? That's good I guess, It's good to know that she isn't throwing the rest of her life away. The life that she chose because she no longer wanted to be my mother. . .

"I-I'm sorry, Leila. I have to go." She suddenly said as she rose up from the bench and stuffed her hands into her distressed jeans. "W-what? I just got here, why are you already leaving?" I asked frantically and she shifted on her feet anxiously as her eyes began to dart around the park warily.

"I. . .I'm sorry, Leila. I truly am, I just, I need to go, yeah. I–I'll call you, I'll see you later baby take care." She said as she squeezed my arm lightly and pivoted on her heels before rushing away.

My throat suddenly began to contract and I slumped back down onto the bench as my eyes began to well with tears.

She left again.

She left me again.

My eyes flickered down to my scarred wrist and a sob escaped my lips as I tugged it to my chest. I was ashamed, ashamed that I let these people push me to a point where I hated myself enough to hurt myself.

I was ashamed but it still felt good to let the pain out one way or the other. It felt good to feel the blood pumping through my body when I cried. It got to the point where I felt no pain anymore. There was no pain and that's what hurt me the most. . .it's what made me ashamed the most.

It was supposed to hurt but it didn't.

As if my mind and body were numb.

I grabbed my bag frantically and retrieved the compass from the pocket. I stared down at it and flickered my eyes shut as tears trickled down my cheek like a broken dam. It hurt, it pained actually, knowing that I was all alone in this world.

With no one to tell me it was okay.

It was never okay.

It will never be okay.

I pressed the sharp edge of the compass onto my arm and flickered my eyes open.

It will never be okay.