Chapter 8

I woke up feeling weak. "Lorraine," it was Nana Maria.

She help me sit down. "Are you okay now? You need anything? I'll call the doctor." I hold her hand to stop her. "Nana, I'm hungry."

"O-okay,"

I look at my wrist it has bandage now. I still can feel pain under this white bandage but I know it's healing now.

Nana gave me food, she put it on the table in front of me. "Do you want anything else?"

I look at her with my tired eyes. I'm tired with my life. "I want to die." I said so calm.

I saw shock on Nana's face. "I don't want to suffer more. Please, let me die, Nana." I hold her hands. "Please, Nana."

"Lorraine,"

My tears are starting to form now. "Nana, I suffer in this life too much. I want to rest now. Let me." As I beg her the door opens and Matthew showed up with a doctor again.

When he saw me he quickly come closer. "D-don't," I know that this is the end of the bed but I continue moving backwards.

"Mr. Alejandre." It was the doctor who called him. Thankfully he stop walking. I look away at them.

"Can I talk to you, Ms. Santiago?" The doctor said.

I don't know what she want but I nodded. "Please, leave us." I look at Matthew and I can see that he didn't like the idea. "Please, Mr. Alejandre."

"Will you be okay?"

"Y-yes," I am nervous the way stare.

He slowly go out of the room. When his finally gone the doctor come closer to me.

"Ms. Lorraine Santiago, I'm Doctora Capistrano a psychiatrist." She lend her hand so I accept it.

"How are you feeling?" I look at my wrist where the bandage is. "I want to die."

I can't look at her. I waited for years to have the courage to end my life and now that I am far from my parents I think I can do it now. Before, I tried but they caught me and I got beaten up more to the point that I can't walk to days.

"I am here to help you. Care to tell me what's on your mind?"

I still remember clearly how my childhood was. My memory with them are all good, we eat outside, shopping together and I still have my freedom just like a normal life as a kid. When I reach seven years old, everything is starting to change.

They are always hotheaded and they are starting to be strict to me. At first, I don't know what's happening. I don't want them to be mad at me so I just follow them. Mama teach me how to cook at age of eight.

"Don't you have eyes? Can't you see it's already burning!" This is my first time cooking our food.

Mama is mad because I burn the pork. She pull my hair and I started crying. "Stop crying! Focus on cooking." I tried not to cry but my tears are falling while cooking.

Every wrong more I received a hit from her or slap.

"Mama, it hurts. Please, stop." I said when I cook the rice too smooth. She said that it's too much water. She's pulling my hair like there's no tomorrow. "I teach you how to cook rice, you just don't listen properly."

I am holding her hands. "I'm sorry, Mama. Please, let go." I am crying to loud when she pull it so hard before letting me go. "Go to your room. You'll not going to eat dinner!"

I have no choice to follow and I was ten years old that time. There are more simple things that I did wrong but it's a big deal to them.

The worst one I remember that I received from them is when they saw me, holding a scissor and pointing at my wrist. "What the fuck are you doing?!" It was Dad who saw me.

"I.. I d-don't want to l-live anymore with you b-beating me until I loose all my strength!" I want to be brave for myself because no one will ever do it for me if I don't.

"Really?" Dad said sarcastically.

He hold my arm and pull me out of my room. He push me when we are at the living room. "What's happening?" Mama said.

"She wants to end her life. She doesn't want to live with us because we are beating her. Can you believe that?"

I heard Mama's laughing. "I grew up being beaten by you. One wrong move you'll beat me. I am tired of my life!" I scream to her. I want them to realize that beating me up won't cause any good.

"This is not what parents should be doing with there children. You should give me my needs and love me!" I saw how red Mama's face because if angry at what I said.

She come closer to me. I manage to stand up earlier and now I am stepping back because I'm scared again. My courage from earlier is now gone.

"You want to die?" She asked then slap me twice. It doesn't hurt much like how she use to slap me. "I am r-regretting that you are my p-parents! You.. you should a-abort me before so that I w-won't suffer like this. I.. I hate you for doing this to me!" Dad cup my jaw like how he usually do.

"You ungrateful bitch! How dare you say that to us! We give you clothes and foods! We even enroll you to school because you said you want to study!" He's so mad now.

I am regretting what I said earlier. I should not say that to them. "I-i'm sorry, Dad." My tears are falling now.

"I told you, don't cry in front of me!" Dad said then punch my stomach. I lose my balance, I curl myself at the floor because Dad's punch is really hurts.

Mama grab the opportunity to pull my hair. "M-ma,"

She chuckled. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I said.

"Now you're sorry because you know you're wrong. You want to die right?" She pull my hair more so I scream. "Aww! Mama, it hurts!"

"It should be."

I saw Dad coming out from the kitchen holding a knife and a stick.

"D-dad," I am really trembling now.

I regret everything now!

Dad come to me and make a move that he will poke me with a knife so I move fast to stay away from him. "Dad no!" I scream as loud as I can.

They both laugh when they saw how scared I am. "See. You have the courage to tell us you want to die but your action tells different." Mama said and turn around with the knife.

"Turn your back," when Dad say that I already know.

I turn around and accept all the hit from the stick he was holding. I am crying and screaming in pain of course.

It took minutes until I am no longer have the strength to move my hands. I'm tired and all I want is to sleep.

"Lorraine," Qhine call me then pat my back. She's one of my friends at school. "Ouch!" I growl when her hands touch my back.

My whole body is in sore and my back is all wounded from Dad's hit using his stick. "What happened?"

She's so fast and look at my back using the hole on my neck. "Oh God! Are that all wounds?"

I move my back so that she's won't look more. "I told you, we should report your parents, Lorraine. This is child abuse."

"I tried before but they have connections to the police station so I just receive another hit when I got home." It took weeks before my back wounds heal and now you will see the scars on my back.