Chapter 3 - Stupid

Chapter 5

Stupid

"What course you want to take?" Dani asked me while we are buying time here outside our classroom. Graduation is approaching and I honestly need to focus on my studies than seducing Troy. It's been years and I am still here waiting for his response. Danica already moved on from it; I am the only one who still stuck on there.

Troy kept on refusing; honestly that hurts my ego. I can't take his words. But somehow deep inside me. I am hoping. Danica got mad because of my actions; she told me to see my worth and stop chasing a man, because I am not like that and I deserved more than that. Zia is always missing from that day. Troy look so angry and frustrated always when he see me. After few months of trying if he'd fall— I stopped, he kept on disrespecting me. So I leave. I'm tired.

"Accountancy," I said. Danica nodded, we both saw Zia walking on the hallway; she seems so bother. Again.

"Let's follow her," Danica suggested. She's curious too about Zia's whereabouts, and so am I.

The day I learned about her being not a virgin anymore— she distant herself. We never bond, and she never tried to approach us. After that incident at the field; she call our friendship off. Danica is so pissed; cause Zia never explained. We were desperate to seek infos. But she's never want us near her. We badly want answers, as Zia's friends we're just too worried.

This isn't the first time that we followed her. The first time we followed her, we didn't exactly saw where her route were, the second time is we didn't saw the "man" she's with. I hope this time it'll be successful.

"Ssshh!" I even put my pointing finger on my lip, telling her to walk slowly, she stepped on a bottle and that makes a noise. Danica and I ducked, hiding on this thick plants; thankfully it's already dark.

"What brings you here?" that...was Troy. What? My mind froze, my heart hammered. Whats the meaning of this?

Because of curiosity, I continue listening.

"I'm here to meet you once more..." Zia told him. I couldn't see her expression but for sure, she'll act cool. I know her.

"For what? I told you, i wont stop until-"

"Until what? Ain't that enough, you hurted Mia!" Zia yelled. And who's Mia? Fuck.

"I don't hurt your twin," he said. Wait, twin? Hurt?

I stare at Danica and I saw the horror on her face too, like me, we couldn't understand what the hell is happening. I wanted to stood up and yell in front of them, but Danica stopped me. My eyes went wet. I swear I'd cry.

"You didnt? Really?" her sarcastic tone plays. "Then why did she choose to die here-" in cracked voice, I can feel Zia's sadness.

"Mia didn't die because she's angry at me. She died because-"

"Because what? She tries to kill your baby!"

In round eyes, I stare at Danica. I am currently in tears, Zia's twin sister is Mia who died b-because he tries to kill the baby? Troy's child? In what way? My mind will explode because of this revelation, hot tears dripped down at my cheeks. My heart is beating so fast; how I wished its not pain. But it is.

"I am not the father of that child. Zia-"

"Fuck your lies!" Zia yelled at him again.

"You're waiting here to wait for her, that's the fact. You are here for her, but the girl you've loved the most, left you with the kid. She can't understand why you disagree, why you threw your girlfriend and child away, though you two are just fourteen years old. So how will you feed the baby, you can't carry a family at your age, So she commit suicide, the first time she did it, we are there. But the second time-" she can't speak, she just cried. I can feel the pain; so I silently cry here. That's why she's cold at Troy. This is her reasons. "She died..." Zia's voice is now smaller.

I heard his sobs, Troy is crying as well, for a sudden moment I felt angry; disappointment, and pain. I cry here with Danica's embrace. So the real reason wht Troy is always here; because it reminds him of his dead girlfriend and child.

"But know what you're lucky. She even ask me to took care of you. How stupid Mia is?"

I couldn't take all the words and informations so I crawled outta it, thanks to the think leaves, they never sees us. That conversation explains everything to me. He isnt a virgin. He's almost a father Fourteen?

My chest is aching that's why we (Danica) decided to go home and neglect the graduation practise and meeting. I receive texts from Dani, asking me if I'm fine. I can't answer her. What I heard a while ago, gives pain to me! A lot.

"What do you want as gift Yesh?" Daddy asked. I'll take it as an opportunity to leave this effing place.

"I want to study abroad." I smiled. I want to leave this place as soon as possible. There's no reason to stay any longer here. Troy doesn't love me, i'm hurt, and the only way to overcome this...Is to run and hide.

Daddy nodded, he'll give me what I want. He loves me to death, so of course he'll let me.

GRADUATION DAY everyone is happy, except me. I can't smile, I'm so empty. This will be the day I'd see Zia and Troy after their talk.

"What is your plan after graduation?" Dani ask me trying to make her voice loud. I talk to her about my plans, the day I asked Dad. But right now I can sense that she has a plan. Huh.

"Newyork-"

"Oh my god! NY!" She giggled, she's loud, few look at us and so Troy, I can see how he is attentive. No one will nag you again Troy. YES, I'll leave.

I'm still in pain because of what I heard. It's Zia's twin sister. Troy hurted Mia and that cause a deep scar on Zia's chest; that makes her miserable. I can't blame her for hating Troy. And I still couldn't believe, Troy did that for his own freedom.

The event is already done when the rain drops, everyone makes sure their make ups and such won't get ruin by the rain. But I remain standing here nearby the stage, letting the white cloth gets dirt.

"You're leaving." his voice. He's way nearer, his breathing scene deja vu. Smells mint.

"For good," I answered casually.

"That doesnt explains-"

"NO ONE WILL NAG YOU AGAIN!" I am irritated, but I still show him my smile.

"I want you to keep me as your first priority. Why leave? There's a lot of colleges here." he smiled. I wanna get a scissor or something sharp so I'd cut those lips. That red lips, rested at Mia's lips. Why am I fucking jealous to a dead woman.

"Shut it Troy. I dont have enough time to play-"

Before I could answer him, he grabbed my wrist and ran towards the library. I can feel how the rain dripped down my dress and hair, he locked the door, and stare at me. The way my body met the wall, it sent nostalgia. The moment we kissed here, it's the most unpain memory I kept of years. He reach my lips and try to parted it with the help of his tongue. I wanted to pushed him, but I can't. I just rest my palm on his chest.

He's not wearing his toga anymore. And so I am.. He kiss me gently with his tongue roaming around my mouth and try to play with my own tongue. Likr he is asking me to do the same. I closed my eyes and join the beat.

Our tongue stopped from playing we continue kissing, hot kisses that makes my lips swollen. I can feel my heart beating because of his kisses.

He cuss repeatedly, I can feel his body near me, J wanted to protest because he's so near, but the moment his palm touch my left boob. I lost my sanity. Fuck My body heated, and pushed him even nearer.

"Shit!" he cussed at push himself away. He almost lost his control, I look at my foot to hide my face. That one, was close.

"Fix yourself. If you're trying to leave Castilla. Tell me, please." he said cutting our talk and leave.

I touch my lips using my fingers.

"He kiss well. Fuck!" I said, smiling.

Did I forget what he have done? I'm too weak, when he is nearer.

How stupid you are Ayesha?!

"I'M LEAVING," I pouted

He laughed and put his arms around me, "You're leavinf?" I can smell the beer on his breath. I nodded.

For the fifth time, I am blaming myself. Why am I here? Being with Troy, who hurted my best friend's twin sister? Why am I here. Before I could answer myself, he kissed me thoroughly again.

That's an intense kisses, the way his lips owned mine. Makes me lost my mind. He slowly put me on bed; and kissed my neck, slowly. I closed my eyes and let him. These what he wants after all. His hands roam inside my shirt. I arch my back; wanting for more.

It begins that day, everytime we see each other we kept on kissing. Like we were some couple who's hungry for each other kisses. But we never did "that," but tonight I can feel his arousal. F-fuck.

"Oh!" I can feel his fingers on my core, teasing me. I saw he smirked.

"Wet baby?" he said, and kissed my lips again. Biting it 'til he's done.

but....

"Fuck darn shit Yesh!"

"I c-cant." he said. Then throw me his shirts. I don't know what to react.

"Well done for the third base. It's okay," I smirked, I honestly, in my own opinion I don't deserved this. But fuck— I am just too inlove. I know I am blushing, I saw he stood up and go to the bathroom, why I stayed here and... think..

Is this what I really want? To be.... just... for fun?

My phone rang and it's my mum.

"Ayesha! Where the hell are you?" she asked. I sniffed. I can feel her irritation.

"At Troy's," I answered while looking at may nails. My lips were swollen, I'm tired as well. She didn't response quickly.

"Go home," that was just she said.

That's why after he bathed. I told him I needed to leave, he insists to take me home, I let him. Though I never invited him to eat dinner with my family or such. I'm just his base-buddy period, I won't expect for more, I know he won't do it anyways.

"Zia?" I was so shocked when I saw her at our sofa, she's here. I quickly go near and gave her a hug. After that she stare at me, she's still the beautiful Zia.

"Ayesha," she hold my hands and pinched it, I saw how read her eyes were, as well as her cheeks. "Stay away from Troy, you already knew what he did to my twin." she said shedding tears, I never expect her telling me this shit right in front of my Mom. I look at my Mother and I saw how angry she is.

"Zia. You already knew what we really have-"

I'm trying to convinced her with my tone.

"Yesh! You're still young for a serious relationship!" Mother said, I gaze at her; almost asking for help but the way she looks at me. It sent chill, she's so serious about it though.

"I thought you're a good girl!" she's shaking her head, showing how disappointed she is. Did she already knew what me and Troy have?

"Zia?"

"I'm sorry," Zia said and embrace me. "I'm just worried, I didn't like the idea of you exploring too much-"

"Fuck Zia! How could you say that!" I pushed her and that makes her sobs, fuck! How could she say that, I am not exploring, he is not exploring. I-im inlove!

Maybe it's just one sided, but I'm willing to give in, for him.

"Ayesha. Listen to your bestfriend!" it's Mom, still glaring at me, I kept on shaking my head; I won't agree.

"I love him!" I begged, I am asking for their understanding. I am doing this because I love him.

"You're too young for that," Mommy mutters "Honestly-"

Before I could finish my reasons, her palm meets my cheeks. I gaze at her coldly, almost telling her to fuck.

"You're fake!" my voice croak, and ran away. I won't go home!

It's raining and I am still here outside of Troy's house, wishing he'd be here, I hugged my self. I can feel the rain kissed my skin, but before I get wet, I felt his warmth already.

"You're going to catch a cold Yesh. What are you here?" his baritone voice. I look at him, my tears were almost falling. I wanna hug my safe haven right now.

"Zia and I argued," I tried to show him a smile, but it went sly. I honestly doesn't like how he pity me. I don't wanna tell him what really happened. He'd probably think, I'm too in love to the point, I neglected my Mother's words for my own happiness.

"What happen?" he asked, I can feel his hands on my shoulder, we entered their house with that position, Troy's friends are busy playing x-box.

"Hey man, what did you to her?" the notorious playboy "Grae" asked.

"Shut up fucker!" It's Travis, in his controlled voice. He even smiled at me. But before I could response to his kindness, Troy's face me and asked me to go upstairs. Troy's parents weren't here like the usual. His parents are both busy, Doctors. They have a chain of businesses, hospitals nd Drug stores.

I sneezed after he close the door of his room.

"Tss, you don't need to wait there, you can go inside, you are not just some random girl Ayesha,"

"Do y-you? Love me?" I honestly doesn't like how foul my questions are; but I badly wanna know his answers. I am too bothered of what just happened a while ago. And I need a... fucking... clarifications.

I can fight for hhi, that's the truth. I know we're too young for this. But I really want this. I still want to know if he love me, or if he's willing to be with me.

I CAN TURNED MY BACK ON EVERYTHING... FOR HIM.

He hold my hand, and stare at me sincerely. "It's hard to assure you. We're too young-"

"YOU TOO? You're also thinking these shit is just a " puppy love" ?"  new tears dripped.

"That's not it Yesha. You're a playgirl! I am-"

"A playboy!" I resumed what he is about to say. He look away.

Will I be stuck here? Begging him to love me? Letting him to kiss me but he ain't sure about his feelings. Or he's sure, he just lust me, am I just a coffee, a food, his needs, a fucker for his own necessities, Am I settling for less? Did I deserved this?

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, I pushed my tongue inside his lips and force him to response, I am too desperate.

"I'll give in to you! Please give into me," I begged him, he kept on refusing.

"I don't wanna, get-"

"WHY? Do you still love Mia, that's why you can't tell me what really am I to you, you can't even give me a little affection because you are still into her, that you are still fucking in love with the lady you loved three years ago?! " exposing my tears, he's now seeing the weak Ayesha. He hold my arms gently, showing me how gentle he was to me.

"You dont love me!" That's almost a complain.

"I love you! But this isnt right." he said with his frustrated tone, I look at him and let my sobs escaped. I never knew these will hurt like this. He pushed my body nearer and hugged me very tight. I couldn't utter a words.

"Im scared," I told him in the middle of my whining.

"Scared of what? The girls around me?" he asked, I removed his arms around me and harshly wiped my tears away. I can feel the weigh here in my chest.

"I am not afraid of those girls who's after you, at this moment I am more jealous of the girl you love first before me, " my voice broke, I stare at him for almost 5 seconds before leaving his room, before leaving his house. I can barely hear him calling my name. But the pain is too much— I couldn't understand why it hurts like this, when in fact he told me he feels the same.

I was his damn experience! His first, second,third bases. And thats all. Yes. He love me, but not enough. He love my lips, my neck, my boobs. And thats all. Yes he cares for me, yes he is worried. But that doesn't mean he loves me, yes he needs me, but he really don't love me. The way I am to him. He isn't virgin anymore! Why does he's afraid for a home run? I am not asking for a s e x. I am just thinking why he can't do such— maybe he really love her to death. And there's a lot of things. That reminds him, of Mia.

I wiped my tears away.

I'll leave him. My decision is final. I will move on. I'll leave him, I'll fucking leave him.

"NOPE. You're wrong!" I grinned at the man beside me.

"Damn Yesh! It's been years since you live here, ain't you miss the Philippines? I mean-" he stopped talking when I glared at him.

"I didn't miss the Pinas," I shrugged and enter the common area, from our room he followed me, after reaching the kitchen, I stopped and cross my arms staring at him, his eyes met mine and he smiled, he spread his arms, I ran towards him and embraced.

"I miss you Hon, " he said in between our hug.

"Hon. You know I need to go back to the Philippines," he started coughing again, I wrinkled my forehead.

"Larck. Its been weeks since you catch a cough, did you already visited your Physician, and I told you, I'm staying here."

"Are you still thinking about it? We go here at Barcelona so you'd make up your mind. But seems like it never helps."

He is right, we're almost there for years, and I'm still not convinced to go home. The young Ayesha is gone, she's dead now. I matured, but I know to myself, I really won't go back. It's not necessary though.

There's a lot of things bothering me, and one more thing. I'm used to here. The wheater is good, the people are nice. I can't ask for more.

But in the other side, I know Larck has a point, it's not a big deal if i'd go home? We stayed here for almost years, and I know he misses the Philippines.

"FINE! But what are we gonna do there?"

He held my hands, smiling at me. Almost begging me to acknowledge his pleasing. He's a good man. But everytime I look at him, I remember ssomeone, but if i'll do comparison. He is way different from the guy I met years ago.

One more thing, what if I'll see Troy? Why am I thinking about it? Maybe, I'm scared and guilt is hunting me. But he should be the one feeling sorry.

"I need to see, my Mom." he coughed again, he quickly grabbed the sofa, and I literally panicked.

"Hon!" he kept on coughing, until I saw a blood on his hands.

"Larck!" and he passed out, I kept slapping his cheeks slowly.

"HELP!" I yelled, he is unconscious and I'm quite afraid. Our maid helped us to bring him to the hospital.

I'm still up, and worried to his condition. I didn't even know he is experiencing such. What a stupid girlfriend I am.

"Mr. Solano is aware of this Ma'am. He already knew about his sickness," his Doctor told me, I look at my man, almost crying, Leukemia ain't a joke! WHY DOES HE HID IT!?

"Leukemia starts in the soft, inner part of the bones or bone marrow, but often moves quickly into the blood. It can then spread to other parts of the body, such as the lymph nodes, spleen, liver, central nervous system and other organs. That's why he's experiencing difficulties on breathing because it already affect his heart."

My tears were the only thing with me right now.

"And he already knew he only have few months left—"

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT! YOU'RE NOT A GOD TO DECIDE ABOUT HIS LIFE! LARCK WON'T LEAVE ME!"

"Yesha! Your boyfriend is sick. And all we can do now is follow his wishes!"

I shook my head, convincing myself this ain't true. I go at my boyfriend and caress his cheeks. I heard how he breathe, I wiped my tears away when I saw he opened his eyes.

"Yesh. I'm so sorry," he said, trying to reach my cheeks. I am crying hard right now. Why God gave us such trials. Why him.

"Don't say that. We're going to the Philippines, like what you wished, but promise me, you'd be better," my voice broke because of it.

He cheerfully nodded, smilinh ear to ear, and kissed the back of my hand.

"Thank you so much Yesha, thank you," he said.

We stayed at the Hospital for 32 hours. I want him to be safe before our flight. He's so eager to go back to the Philippines, he's way okay now, but I can still see how weak his body is, but he still manage to be a joker. So i'd laugh.

We are sleeping separately, so I cried myself to sleep, I can't see him this weak. I am not too strong to see him like that.

I want him to see how brave I am, I want him to see that I am strong, and I am confident that he'd get through this. But there's also a part of me thinking that he'll leave me soon.

I don't want him gone.

I want him stay.