01

But now that my mind is gradually emerging from the toxic fog into which only it can plunge me, I realise that it wasn't oxygen. It was poison. A poison that is vital to me. And I have not yet found the antidote.

So despite the shame and self-loathing I feel, I find the strength to get up, collect my things scattered everywhere and leave, slamming the door. I don't hear his cries or his words, I don't see his eyes blurred or his features hardened. All I feel is the guilt that works its way through my veins and takes over my whole body in a few seconds. The pain fogs my mind because I know it's all going to start again, I'm going to suffer again, I'm going to disappoint myself again and most of all, all my efforts to push him away have come to naught.

My phone vibrates and when I realise that my 'almost' boyfriend is calling me, I can't find the strength to press the green button. My guilt is only increasing at the speed of light and I am unable to hear his voice at that very moment. I realise that I am not going to hurt anyone but myself and my pain increases instantly. He doesn't deserve this.

I've relapsed. And that is the worst thing I could have done.

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Monday 7 November 2016

This morning I get up determined that things will change. I've thought long and hard about it over the last few weeks and the call I received yesterday reinforced my decision to shake up my daily life, which has become catastrophically quiet over the last few months. I'm only 26 years old and yet I feel like I'm living like a 50 year old who doesn't expect anything from life anymore! God, that's so sad! I've been unemployed since the small company that employed me went out of business 3 months ago. Since then, all my days have been the same: I get up, hang out in my pyjamas until noon while leafing through the classifieds and listening to music, then I get ready and... I do the same thing in the afternoon. In the evening I have dinner alone in front of the TV and go to bed around 10.30 pm so that I'm not too tired the next day. Not that being tired would change anything in my routine but... I can hear my mum saying the same thing over and over again: "you must always look your best and be your best, my darling... never show your weaknesses or worries... always be strong and don't let anything show...". BLA-BLA-BLA. The only distraction I allow myself in this all too settled routine is my weekly dance class, accompanied by my best friend Cassiopeia. These two hours are my breath of fresh air, I wouldn't miss them for the world.

Yesterday morning, I came across a job offer published by La Soierie Saint Martin, an old and prestigious silk company in the region, which is looking for a sales assistant to "support the sales team in developing new Anglo-Saxon markets". The job description and the required skills immediately appealed to me and I immediately wanted to apply, which had not happened to me for several weeks. So I spent most of my day yesterday researching the company, reworking my CV and writing a strong cover letter that reflected my personality. When I clicked 'send', my heart was racing and I was crossing my fingers as hard as I could! An hour and a half later, my phone rang, I met the HR manager and had my first telephone interview. This phone interview apparently went well because here I am this morning, dressed in a grey trouser suit and a classic black shirt, on my way to meet the director and the sales manager of La Soierie Saint Martin. To say that I am stressed is an understatement, my hands are clammy and shaking, my heart is beating so fast that I am afraid of fainting in front of the director and my legs are barely carrying me! You have to understand me, I really want to get back to a fulfilling social life and I dream of getting up every morning with the will to take on new challenges, I who haven't vibrated for far too long.

Anyway, today can only be a good day! I'm going to ace this interview and get out early enough to rush to the ticket office to buy my Coldplay tickets. I've been looking forward to this new concert for over two years and the ticket sales start at 10am. My interview is scheduled for 9am. It's only fair, but I can do it. There's no way I'm going to go without a seat after so much waiting. I'm a huge Coldplay fan and as with all their concerts, I'll be in the front row, singing all their songs at the top of my lungs. Well my little Candice, focus on your interview!

After a short drive of about fifteen minutes, I park in the car park of the very chic Soierie Saint Martin and go to the reception desk 5 minutes early, as my dear mother taught me. The receptionist leads me to a huge meeting room with white walls decorated with silk fabrics protected in frames with dazzling golden mouldings. The style is very chic and I am in awe of the beauty of the place when a man with an impressive build arrives. He is really tall and looks as muscular as a boxer or a professional hockey player. His short brown hair, slightly unruly on top, and hypnotic brown eyes create a face with fine but masculine features, while his tight black suit seems to have been made for him as his broad shoulders and long muscular legs are on display. I remain stoic for a second in front of this charismatic man with a crazy charm who plunges his gaze into mine. His eyes detail me without the slightest embarrassment from top to bottom and linger a few moments on my voluptuous chest before going down on my legs and then up on my face. He then stares at me for long seconds during which I don't know if I should move, speak up or wait for him to do so.

-Ethan Archer, director of La Soierie Saint Martin," he says, holding out his hand.

I am surprised for a moment by his English accent but I immediately recover and accept his handshake as I introduce myself.

-Candice Dumin, pleased to meet you.

Mr Archer lets go of my hand and points to a chair for me to sit down. The first few minutes of the interview are enlivened by his deep voice, which introduces me to the company in a succinct manner, but I barely listen to him, lost in his mesmerizing gaze that captivates me. I have never met a man so virile and powerful. His body is certainly masterful, but my attention is focused on his fascinating face. Despite his obvious coldness, he exudes a lot of charm and I can already tell that he is one of those people who impress by their mere presence. He is very difficult to understand at first sight and I can't guess what he is thinking. I sincerely hope that I will not have to work with him on a daily basis, because I do not feel comfortable at all. In my private life, I tend to run away from this kind of person because I can't let myself go and be myself in front of this strong and often quite imposing character. For God's sake Candice, pull yourself together, you didn't come here to make a new friend but to find a job, so pull yourself together and behave like the professional he is waiting to meet! I come to my senses and listen to his speech more carefully. He seems to be reciting his speech in a very monotonous and nonchalant way and I have no doubt that he is deeply bored of interviewing me. So I have to be extra warm and motivating to get his attention. When he asks me to introduce myself, I straighten up, clear my voice and start.

-My name is Candice Dumin, I'm 26 years old and after obtaining my degree, I worked for more than 3 years for a small carpenter's workshop in the region as an assistant to the director. Thanks to this position, I was able to develop my skills and...

-I can read, Ms. Dumin," Mr. Archer cut me off.

-I beg your pardon?

-You're reciting your CV to me and I'm bored to death. If you've been called for this interview, it's because your CV appealed to us, so there's no need to tell me about your background.

I am stunned for a few seconds by this unpleasant and disturbing answer.

-So what do you want to know, Mr Archer?

-The reason I'm wasting my time with you," he replies.

You bastard. That's what I'm dying to say to him. Instead, I take a deep breath and jump in.

-You are wasting your time with me because you are looking for a competent sales assistant and I am looking for a job that interests me in a friendly and growing company. If you let me talk to you for a few minutes, you will understand that I am exactly the right person for you and that I have the required professional and human skills. But if you don't want to give me a chance and are still convinced that I don't belong here, I won't insist any longer.