I've lost you

Tears rolled freely down my cheeks, my hands were actually shaking as I tried to keep the tears back and I was actually sobbing feeling the pain of losing my mother all over again. I probably read the letter over and over until I couldn’t take it anymore. I brought my knees up against my chest and rested my head on them letting the tears fall.

“Sasha?” My body jerked when I heard my father’s voice. I looked up trying to wipe my cheeks but he was already behind me, his hands on my shoulders. I heard him inhale sharply when his eyes landed on mom’s pink scarf, she used to wear it every day. It even still smelled like her after all these years.

I looked at him and saw a fresh tear making its way down his cheek as he reached for the scarf. He took the scarf between his fingers and softly rubbed the material between his thumbs and then brought it up to his nose. “God, I miss her.” I heard him mutter.

He then looked at me and saw my tear-stained face. “I found a letter from mom,” I told him, giving it to him. He looked at the piece of paper a side of his lips curving up. “She loved writing letters.”

“I didn’t know about this one,” I confessed gesturing to all the papers scattered around on the floor. “How did she know I will find it between her songs?”

“Because she always knew how much you loved reading through her songs.”

“I miss her so much, dad. Why did she have to leave?” My dad looked at me with watery eyes cupping my cheek to catch a tear. “Mom was suffering and God came to fetch her so she could look over us from Heaven.”

“It’s not fair,” I said with a sob. “I want her here with me, dad. I want to be able to hug her, tell her I love her, and hear her laugh.” My dad took me in his arms and let me break down in front of him. “It’s not fair, it’s not fair.” I kept on sobbing while he just held me tightly in his arms telling me that he knows.

We started to pick up all mom’s song when I noticed the photo that fell out of the envelope. It was of her and dad, she was dressed as if she was playing hockey. I looked closer and noticed my dad was holding her hockey stick. Was my mother a hockey player? I turned the photo around and noticed she has written something.

“To the best first day.”

“Dad?” I asked, my voice was probably laced with concern as he looked at me worriedly.

“What’s this?” I asked even though I knew exactly what it was. My dad looked at the picture and frowned. “That was our first date.” He said with a sad smile taking the picture from me and looking at it intensely.

“She was a hockey player?” I asked drawing my eyebrows together.

“One of the best.” He said handing the picture back to me. “I didn’t know,” I mumbled.

“Where do you think you got the talent from? Definitely not from me.” He said pushing himself to his feet putting the stuff back into the box. I watched his reaction as his eyes landed on the old hockey stick that I hid in my wardrobe. “She wouldn’t have wanted you to quit.” He said looking at the hockey stick before he put the box back where it belonged.

“You don’t know that.” I muttered looking at the floor.

“Of course I know that she kept on begging me to make sure you don’t throw your dream away. But I was too late.” I looked at my father as I heard the guilt. “Meredith send me up here so I can call you to come and eat.” He said advancing towards the bedroom door. “I’m sorry, dad.” I said feeling as if I had to apologize for my actions.

“I’m the one who has to be sorry.” He said leaving the room.

I went downstairs to get my dinner when I noticed my dad has locked himself up in his study that just left Meredith, Jonah and me at the dinner table. Meredith didn’t try to make a conversation and I think she spoke to Jonah because he was silent. I was picking at my food when I heard a chair, I looked up and found it to be Jonah.

“I’m sorry, Sasha.” He said coming over to me and hugging me. I blinked and looked at Meredith who was looking at her plate, her hands formed in fists. I looked at Jonah confused when he pulled away.

“What was that?” I asked watching his retreating form.

“He heard you and your father upstairs in your room. He heard you cry over your mother.” Meredith said wiping off a tear and standing up from the table. “I’m so sorry, Sasha.” She said before she went up the stairs. I just leaned back into my chair and looked at the empty dinner table. Jonah never knew why I was like this, he never asked questions about my mother and tonight he overheard us.

I let out a breath and stood up, picking up all the dirty dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

My mom knew all along that my father will find himself a new wife, she knew that he was going to be lonely. But one thing she didn’t bargain on was us pulling apart. She didn’t know that he was going to push me aside and let me work it out on my own. She doesn’t know the pain she left me in.

And then she wanted me to move on, continue hockey as if nothing happened. Pretend she is not here. I can’t do that.

The next day Jonah didn’t speak to me from the morning dropping him off at school up until I fetched him from hockey practice. “You don’t have to walk on eggs around me after you found out, Jonah.” I told him hating the silence between us.

“It is the first time I saw you cry.” He admitted not looking at me but the ground. “It even made my mom shed a tear when I told her.”

“Please don’t treat me any different now that you found out. I hate being treated with sympathy and pity!” Jonah looked at me when he notices my tone.

“Is that why you don’t play hockey anymore?”

“Part of it, yes.” I confessed.

“You love your mother right?”

“Yes.” You have no idea how much.

“Then don’t you think, your mother will be unhappy with you throwing your dream away because of her?” Sometimes I wish he can grow back down and not understand things in life.