Things aren't always as they seem

Deep breath in, deep breath out. I tried like hell to calm myself, I have been shaking non stop since I left the club. I couldn't breathe, just breathe. I cried all the way home. I can't believe what I just did, why do I keep doing this to myself. Why do I keep getting myself in situations like these. I struggled to sleep throughout the night, I suffered from insomnia I barely slept and when I did I had severe night terrors. Waking up screaming, crying. So I would stay up and write some songs, or busy myself with art.I walked around my apartment, I love my place. It might be small, but it's always filled with laughter. I learned quite early in life that it's not the size of the house it's the friends,family, smiles and laughter that makes it a home. And my 2bedroom apartment have a lot of memories branded within these walls. I took a moment to just breathe it all in, all the times we shared and all the trouble me and my friends love to get into. I guess we each have something in common, everyday is a battle. A battle of everything and everyone we loved and lost. The neglect we each suffered and how we just all try to fight through the feelings and disapiontments. We tried to carry and support each other, but nobody truly understood the struggles we had behind close doors. One of the main reasons I do not judge, I have met quite the characters over the years and learnt a lot. One of the main reasons I loved to volunteer, sometimes we stare so hard at our own lives, our own heartaches or problems. Our own failures, that we forget that there are worse things. Some people who have it worse. I took and saw the picture of me and my girlfriends,the one we took at the beach one summer. We were all smiling, I remember that day it was hot as hell. We were all still there including Cassidy another member we lost. Another one of our own, we laughed at my mom who took the picture. And we were happy or I thought I were. Do I even know what happiness truly is? I took a special look at Emily, she always have this carefree smile. Like it comes so easily but we all knew what really goes on behind that smile. She's a true beauty though she has big brown eyes. And a athletic built, she always complains how she's the only one without big tities. But yet they fit her frame perfectly, her hair is a gorgeous auburn brown. She loves it long and straight, she is only a little bit taller than me. But people tend to underestimate her size, she knows how to throw a left hook and kick ass.

All those memories imprinted, and written inscripture on my heart. My phone kept going of and one name kept appearing on the screen. Keegan. I remember being on the other side of things, truth be told I have been on both sides. The fiance and the mistress, some people would call me naive but nothing is as easy as it seems. When all you want is to feel loved we tend to look past the obvious signs,the red flags,the excuses makes sense. And your brain throughs it all out there, but your heart keeps believing. The battle between the two are worse than the rest, I switched off my phone and tried to get some sleep tomorrow will be a new day. And like always, we will just keep swimming.

9years ago

"Stop, just stop I don't believe it anymore. Any of it you're lying, you are always lying. And you make me doubt myself each and everytime. Just tell me, is it true? Are you really married?" my mom went quite for a second. And her reply were final. "Then I am done, I know my worth and I am nobody's second choice" me and Mikayla stared at mommy. Her eyes were rock hard, I have never seen her so angry before. She turned to us and we could see her eyes softening. "Okay babies, I need you two to head upstairs and grab your favourite things and everything else you might need. We are moving and never coming back." Mommy never lied, I started crying " what about daddy mommy, is he coming to?" Mommies eyes started to tear up as she looked at me, " no baby, daddy is a really bad man who does bad things, mommy tried to ignore it. But mommy can't anymore. I need my babies save." She helped us pack and get into the car, we drove out of our hometown leaving everything behind. I never remembered my dad being a bad man, he loved us and took care of us. He made me feel save with his bear hugs, he let us do his makeup and tickeld us till we laughed and screamed. He was inked from top to bottom and always wore a leather jacket with a big symbol on the back, I never liked the jacket. It had a big skull on, it looked scary. But he loved his jacket and wanted to get one for me and Mikayla to. We never saw daddy again.

I woke up soaked in tears and sweat,the past just always a way of sneaking in on you. My mom always says a broken heart can be fixed, a broken mind can't. So always be cautious over your mind, I got up and went through my morning routine. And just like clockwork everybody called to check in, including my mom. Inviting me over for dinner. "Will Keegan be there?" it was probably my very first question. And yes ofcourse he would be, but according to my mom his cousins are in town and he would love me to meet them. Great just what I need. My day went by slowly, crawling at a snails pace. Why is it that when you have a really big event coming up you do not want to show up to, your day crawls by. But when it's netflix and chill the day flies by in the blink of an eye. Questions about the universe I do not understand.

When it was about time I threw on my usual attire for going to my mom and stepdads place,I have no one to impress so jeans and sneakers it is. I paired it with a white tanktop hair in a messy bun,and out the door I went.

Standing infront my my parents place I still felt in awe. It's a mansion, well what do I expect my stepdads loaded and so is my mom. With exactly ten steps leading up to two big wooden double doors. The place have four pilars with a beautiful carved ingraving,I could'nt help but sigh. Keegan's Bugatti were standing in the driveway next to the big fountain. It means his here,I knocked twice and waited. My stepfather opened up the door and immediatly his face lit up, he really aged well. Like fine wine, my nanna always said men age like wine first they become expensive,then delicious. Women aged like milk first they become sour then fat. She have been proofed wrong on some occasions. Only some though. He grabbed me into a bear hug, ignoring my insane dislike of unwanted physical contact. His smile lit up as he let me go, his eyes filled with adoration. He is the most incredible person, and I am truly happy my mother found love and happiness. He adored me and my mother, and is the first man who has not shown any form of deception towards either of us. I do love this man. He led me inside and loudly announced my arrival, my mom came running up to me and strangled me into one of her loving hugs. "I missed you baby" I could'nt help but smile. I missed her to. Keegan came walking up and that same familiar overwhelming feeling came over me,like it always did when I saw him. I pretended like nothing happened, but he sure didn't his eyes were warm. Like he could burn me alive with one look, he hugged me close and whispered in my ear. "We need to talk, and you will listen. Because this is all a huge misunderstanding compeletly taking out of context." I broke from the hug and looked him into the eyes,he was serious. So I gave a small smile, and turned to the women I saw last night introducing myself to each.

We all sat down for dinner, after learning they all lived in Italy and came for a visit. I did feel better,luckily they weren't dating. I felt relieved I refused to be a homewrecker,dinner was incredible. Nothing much changed Keegan still stared at me with heat in his eyes from across the table and after last night I felt extremely uncomfortable with the situation. So I excused myself from the table to use the restroom,not realizing that he might follow and follow he did. He came into the restroom as I stood infront of the mirror just trying to catch a breath. He locked the door and as our eyes connected in the mirror I knew there and then I am fucked. He knew it to, because a smile crept on his face, his eyes darkening and oh holy shit that's a look. He pressed himself against me caging me in between the vanity and him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him in the mirror. Everything turning me on like a light switch, he moved my hair out of my neck as he left a trail of small kisses up and down my neck. A small moan escaped my lips as I titled my neck to give him more access. "I am not seeing someone,except for you. I can't take my eyes off of you.You are all I ever think about Catalya." He said the words between kissing me, and my legs started to feel weak. He pressed his leg inbetween my thighs to keep me steady as his on arm incircled my waist to keep me upright. I felt his smile against me, he knew exactly what he was doing and honestly I didn't even care. That kiss of last night left me wanting more, his other hand started drifting over my body as he touched my breast. He pushed himself up towards me and I could feel how turned on he were, he was rock hard through his jeans. And hell I were soaking and ready, I felt him open up the button of my jeans and heard the zip of the zipper. Right now I don't even care he can rip it to if he'd like. His hand started to drift down, as his finger found his way towards my core. Starting with soft circular motions, driving me insane. His lips never leaving my neck, he left out a groan as I tried to control my own body. He cursed softly, and I rolled back my head he grabbed my mouth in a tender kiss smothering my moans with his mouth. He started to speed up the notion as my moans became more urgent his other hand touching my breast firmly tweaking my nipple I felt like ecstacy. A feeling of losing control like I have never felt before. His tongue stroked mine, and I exploded like I have never did before. Fireworks went of and my body warmed to a thousand degrees,I shook and withered. He kept up the notion until I came back down,sending me spiraling. "Fuck I wanted to do that for years" this is not over, we are just starting. And with that he turned around and left, leaving me a mess. I tried to straighten myself realizing nothing were out of place my button and zipper were done and I were covered up like nothing happened. The only sign is me soaking wet