02

As soon as I finish saying that, I turn on my heels and go around the house to put my things in the small shower made of sheet metal for the four walls and an old blue carpet on the floor so that our feet are not in contact with the earth. I get out and go back to the house to get my bucket of water to wash myself. I wash and dress myself on the spot before returning home. I find her now sweeping in front of the house with a broom made of bamboo sticks. I've already told her to stop doing it because afterwards she'll be screaming about back pain, but the woman there isn't listening to me. I had bought a straight broom especially for the yard but she doesn't use it and says it doesn't sweep well. Fortunately, it is her grandchildren who massage her when she cries. I advance and I come to stop in front of her.

Me: Mam, don't you understand the broom thing?

Mama Jeanne: (hitting the end of the broom on the palm of her hand to readjust the rods) Mimi, sorry, I'm just pulling up quickly, up there, sorry mum, you mustn't get angry. It's old age oh, I'm already an old woman.

Me: Hmm.

A little girl from the neighborhood came to find us in front of the door and after greeting us, she asked us if there was any chilli.

Maman Jeanne: Yes poupy, there are. How much do you want?

Poupy: for 200 with sorrel of 300.

She handed over a 500 note that Mom took before going into the house and coming out for a few minutes with the items in a bag and giving it to the little one.

Mom: Who eats sorrel with chilli in the morning like that?

Poupy: (taking it) That's ya Jérémie, he came home drunk last night.

Maman Jeanne: The child called Jérémie, I don't know if he understands things. He is told to stop drinking because the wine there does not pass with him, but no, he only drink-drink-drink until he even looks like the drink already. I don't even know what he finds in the drink there. What example does he give you as an elder? In any case, I will pray for him. You have to say hello to your parents and you tell me that Jeremy that I'm not happy with him.

Poupy: Ok mum Jeanne.

She left. I looked at Mom for a moment.

Mama Jeanne: What is it?

Me: No nothing.

I returned to the house. The woman here is her fault, she likes to put her mouth in other people's business, she is the mayor of the district. Everyone knows her. She can never say hello and go on her way like me, no, she stops at least 10 minutes to get all the news, advised here, reprimanded there. Laugh and cry with the neighbors. It's something I don't like to do. But she says that's how good neighbours, if something bad happens to us here, they are the ones who will help us and that, she has also instilled in her grandsons who, just like her, make daily rounds in the neighborhood to greet everyone.

When I arrive in front of my bedroom door, I hear the children's voices and I decide to stop and listen.

Kilian: You say the man there looked like us?

Ethan: Yes. He looked a lot like us, but he was just tall.

Lilian: So our father is a pastor?

Ethan: I don't know, I just know he was preaching.

Kilian: And you also said that the man talking to you said he had come?

Ethan: Yes.

Kilian: I hope that's the truth. I also want to have a father like the others.

Lillian: Me too.

Ethan: Come on, we'll tell God again to answer our prayer and if what he showed me is true, may our father come to us.

The other two: OK.

Them: (together) Dad is still us, Kilian, Ethan and Lillian, Myrna NZAOU's three children. We know that we have already tired you a lot with the subject there, but it is you who said that we must pray without ever relaxing until we obtain victory. You also said that the kingdom of heaven is forced and it is the violent who seize it. Yes dad, you're the one who said it in your speech and you told Grandma Jeanne to repeat that to us. So we are still here today, violent in prayer to tell you about our father. Dad, we know that you are our real father who watches and takes care of us but you also wanted to give us an image of you on earth so we pray for him. Where he is now, dad, lead him to us. We want to see it with our eyes and touch it with our hands. If you have already started showing him to us in dreams, it is because he is already very close so open our eyes so that we can see him and open his eyes so that he can see us.

Lilian: Dad also soothes mum's heart so that she won't be angry with him anymore, please.

The other two: Yes dad, touch his heart too, we beg you.

Them: (together) Yes dad. We know she's a good person and she's also a good mother but as granny often says, her heart is hurt and closed, granny says you're the repairer of the breaches and the one who thinks all the wounds so we counting on you for our mom whom we love with all our heart. Thank you dad because we know you will answer us in Jesus name. Amen!

I stood outside the door crying silently before putting my hand on my chest and applying a little pressure to it to ease the pain I feel deep in my heart. It's not the first time that my children pray for me or for their father, I know they do it every day with each other and with their grandmother, but every time I surprise them, it's this reaction I have in return. There is always this pain and struggle inside my heart that makes me cry. There's like a hand that's trying to rip out all the anger that I feel in my heart and this other hand that refuses to let go and that struggle causes a lot of pain in me.

I hear footsteps approaching behind me and quickly wipe my tears and my face. I dip my hand into a nearby bucket and rub it over my face to wipe away all traces of tears.

Mama Jeanne: (surprised to see me there) Oh, what are you doing standing there? It's almost 7:30, you're already late.

Me: (clearing my throat lightly before speaking) Hum Hum. I was putting the bucket down, I'm already leaving.

No sooner said than done, I push open the door and enter the bedroom where I find the three children sitting there on the bed.

Me: Go help granny put the things of the trade outside after you go to take your bath.

Them: Alright.

They got up and left. I put my things away, took my fanny pack which I hung around my hips and walked out of the bedroom to find them outside setting the merchandise on the table.

Me: Mum you still have the breakfast things don't you?

Maman Jeanne: Yes, it could still be two days.

Me: Alright. Alright I'm leaving.

The three angels came to give me a hug before telling me that they loved me and that I was going to have a good day.

Me: I love you too my loves.

Maman Jeanne: God protect you Mimi, have a good day.

Me: Amen mom. You too.

I smiled weakly at them before turning to leave. As soon as I walked away from the house, I immediately closed my face so that no one would talk to me. I got to the road where I took my taxi to the market where I sell. I am a trader who sells at the Mont Bouet market (Libreville central market). I have been selling smoked sardines, fruits and vegetables for almost 9 years now. At first, I was just assisting Mama Jeanne here with the boys, but as they were getting too sick from the bad market wind and the dust, Mama decided that they couldn't come anymore and that I had to stay with them at house, we had then set up a small table in front of the house so that I could sell there. Only one day, one of the market women who had my phone number called me to tell me that my mother had fallen at the market, fainted and that they had taken her to the dispensary in La Peyrie (district) I had the fear of my life that day. On the spot, we were told that she had malaria and that she should no longer sell in the sun as she did every day. Despite her protests, I managed to get her to stay home and we had to swap roles. She stayed at home with the children and sold from home and I went to the market. It's been like that for 5 years now. God gave us grace and at the market, I was able to have a box in which I display the goods so as not to be in the sun and everything is fine...

I come home this evening completely exhausted and I find my children at home who, after greeting me and giving me hugs, remind me that their grandmother said that I must make the effort today to go at the church. Frankly I don't want to go there because I'm exhausted. I just want to wash up and go to bed. But I do violence to myself. After my bath, I decide to go to church. I tell the children that they must stay at home as it is night. Anyway, tomorrow is Sunday and they will go to church. So I go alone. When I arrive in front of the door, I search my little Chinese techno which serves as my phone, it's not an Android, but rather a âllo-âllo as we say at home. I look at the time and realize that it is already 8:20 p.m. I'm really late. It is even certain that the service is already over. But hey, I'm already there, I'm going to go in and sit down even at the back so as not to be noticed. The church there is still quite large, it is a church of about 200 members. I know almost every face of the people inside even though I don't really speak with them. As soon as the receptionist who, after having greeted me, opened the door for me to enter, my heart began to beat at a frantic pace without my knowing why and my legs began to twitch. to become heavier.

Me: (In my head) What's happening to me Lord?

I stopped for a moment and looked at the younger sister who was still smiling at me before deciding to go back into the room where I just heard someone's voice say into the microphone "I did a lot of evil". There I had the shivers and goosebumps seized my whole body. As if people had spread the word, the whole room turned to look at me. The preacher looked up at me and I did the same, our eyes locked. My body froze and I felt my legs give out. I found myself on the ground. I just had time to hear him shout into the microphone.

Ethan: Myrna??

And that was the black hole...