Chapter 7. Conflicting (Part 1)

~17.07.2013, 2.20 p.m., IVAN HENDRIK~

If this were to happen in high-school, I might just puke already after kissing him. But high-school is waaaay over and oddly, I don’t even feel like throwing up. It actually… felt kind of… good. Like… I wanted it again? No way. I’m just caught up in the moment. That’s all. No way I would want to kiss him again, right? Fuck no!

He has his mouth in a wide gape at me. Haha. Now that’s funny. He really didn’t see it coming. “The hell, Ivan?” He asked, looking pale. And then he notices Michael and that just made him paler than before. This is going to be fun.

I must cover this up quick. I lean closer to his face and whisper to his ears, “play along, honey or I’ll tie your balls to the fan,” I threatened him in a whisper. Just as quickly then I smile to him and kiss his cheek, pretending to be a happy couple. He smiles to me too pretentiously. I hope Michael won’t notice the awkwardness of that smile of his! Fuck it, Jeremy, don’t you know how to fucking act better?! I’m so going to fucking kill you once I’m done with this shit. You better not ruin my fun for me.

“Oh um.. Err.. well, h-hi Michael,” Jeremy greeted him, stuttering in the process. I just feel like fucking kicking his balls! Act better, you idiot!

Michael did not greet him back. He was too shocked from seeing who my partner is, as it seems. “Alan, this is… err… Jay,” I introduced Jeremy to Michael’s partner, using the new identity’s name to cover up for everything. We’re supposed to be brothers but fuck it! Who cares!

“Hi, I’m Alan,” Alan greeted back and shakes Jeremy’s hand. “So, you know Michael too?” He asked.

“Um. Ye-yeah,” Jeremy answered, still so awkwardly. Damn, I better change the subject.

“You’re cooking today, right, you vegetarian?” I said, being a little cynical to Jeremy, putting my arms around his shoulder and grab his muscle tightly a little to indicate him to act normal.

“Huh?” Jeremy seems to be lost in thoughts. I glare at him a little to shake some sense into him. “Oh, y-yeah,” Jeremy answered while rubbing his head in worry. “C-come in,” he invited them in. Plan in motion! I’m going to beat Jeremy senseless if he were to fail my mission!

֍֎֍

~17.07.2013, 2.30 p.m., JEREMY JEFFERSON~

“Need some help?” Michael asked me as he enters the kitchen. Damn! Just looking into his eyes brings me back memories of my first time. Who would ever forget the first time getting your ass fucked anyway?

“U-um… No thanks. I can handle it,” I said. Shit! I’m really not good at playing pretend. I can feel my entire body tremble! And believe me, I’m trying my very best to hide it. So, I turn my back on him and go back to slicing the onions.

“So,…You and Ivan, huh?” I hear him asking from behind me. I just wish he gets the hell out of my kitchen. Why the hell didn’t Ivan do anything about this? That Ivan is surely asking for a spank!

Awkwardly, sounding a bit insinuative, I answer him. “Yeah. Me and. Him.” I roll my eyes. This is to myself for even playing along with this shit.

I hear Michael laughing behind me directly after he had heard my answer. “No way in hell. This is a joke, isn’t it?” He asked. Yeah, Michael. It sure is. I don’t believe me either. It sounds so superficial. And dear God, I could not have acted any better because I’m just that damn lousy.

“Why do you think so?” I asked. I now stopped slicing the onion and chose to face him, crossing my arms on my chest, and looking straight into his eyes with a serious face. It’s time to really put up a good act. Shit. Why am I doing this again? I’m such an unlucky ass.

“Jeremy, he stuffed you in a locker,” Michael indicated.

“Yeah he did that,” I simply answered, remembering how scared I was looking at Ivan’s laughing face bac then as he closed the locker’s door and I was left in the darkness.

“He beat you, kicked you, pushed you on the ground many times,” Michael added.

“Those too,” I blink my eyes a little at this answer, remembering the pain so vividly at the back of my mind. The pain and the shame…

“It doesn’t make any sense. This is the guy who bullied you your whole school life! How can you and him… get together?” Michael asked regardless of how I feel deep within. Those are the memories I’d like to forget rather than reminisce upon.

“Gee… damned if I know. God works in mysterious way, huh?” Now annoyance is engulfing me, strangling me… Michael better stop reminding me of the past or he might just got hurt. I started to go cynical on him.

“This is a bluff, isn’t so? He even pushed you into a pool once! You almost drown!” He said. Vibrantly, the blue colors of the sky above me as the bubbles started coming out from my mouth, the suffocation, and the thoughts of dying at that instant, conjures up in my mind. That bitter memory…

That’s it. I give up. Why the hell would he bring up those stupid shameful memories?! I think I’ll go bitter on this guy. “And you were right there. Beside him. Laughing. Yet you fucked me anyway. Does that make any sense, Michael?”

Michael is stunned from what I had just spat out that he went silent for a while. He then opens and closes his mouth as if he was about to say something but couldn’t get the words out. He finally sighs and speaks softly; “that was different. I never bullied you physically.”

Haha. I feel like laughing to his face but I’m just too bored of his lame excuse to even want to laugh at his face. What a douche. “Such a stupid excuse, Michael. Just get out of here and go to your husband,” I said bitterly, and turn my back on him again. I go back to slicing the onions. I am releasing my anger onto the onion by slicing each slice with a strong force.

But Michael did not give up because I can still hear him speak from behind me. “I don’t believe you, Jeremy. Ivan is something else. He… can be off sometimes.”

I agree, Michael. But currently, I’m Ivan’s boyfriend… pretentiously… so, nonetheless, I need to back him up. “You talk like you know him,” I said. Why the hell am I even putting up with this act? I’m so going to fucking kill Ivan over and over! He’s making my life a big pile of mess!

“I do know him. We were best-friends,” Michael pointed out.

I stop slicing the onion now. I feel an urge to look into Michael’s face and tell him what I’m about to say. So, I turn around to face him again. “That doesn’t mean you know everything about him. Think about it. Does he know you’re gay? No, right? So how could you know everything about him?”

Michael had his mouth opened in a gape for a while before he answers me back. I’m sure he couldn’t believe his ears at what I had just said. “So what are you trying to say? You guys are in love?!”

“Yeah! We’re in love. Get over it!” I said, holding up my point strongly. Anger is surmounting me so I go back to slicing the onion and let my rage go through it.

Michael got quiet for a while but he did not leave the kitchen. I can feel him there, staring at my back. “Alan reminds me of you, you know. That’s why I’m with him. Blond hair, blue eyes… Fragile… Just like you,” Michael then said. I sense sadness in his tone of speaking. But man, should I care?

Fuck you, Michael. “Fragile? You mean like I was in high school, is it? Because I never see myself as fragile right now. I can beat the shit out of Ivan if I want to. Because I’m stronger now. Oh, and there’s one thing you should know, you also know nothing about me. You never did and never will,” I said without facing him.

“Really? So does Ivan know you well?” He asked, provoking me again. And guess what? He is successful because now, I started to turn to look at him again. He got my attention.

I’m not going to answer that question because the answer is obvious that Ivan does not, anyway. I sigh, looking straight into Michael’s eyes. I don’t know if what I said next would be the truth or I’ll just be bluffing but… “Ivan can come off as a stubborn, ignorant fool, but that’s what we only see on the outside. On the inside, he is pure. He is made of glass. He is fragile, Michael. It’s sad that you’ve been his best-friend for years and you never even notice that part of him,” I said.

Michael looks like he’s about to say something. But he bites his tongue and seems to choose to let it go because as of now, he’s about to leave the kitchen and give up on talking to me. I feel relieved. Now I can go back to work in peace. But as Michael is about to leave, and I’m about to go back to my onion (damn, I’ll never get this onion done!), Ivan enters the kitchen. That made both Michael and me astounded. “Hey,” he greeted Michael.

“Hey,” Michael greeted him back awkwardly.

“Hi, Sugar,” He then comes up to me, smiling charmingly. Fuck. For a moment there, I really believe that we’re ‘together’ together because that smile seems to send some sparks flying around. He puts his arms around my waistline. I can feel his chest brushes against mine, he is leaning his face closer to mine now and damn, I just knew at that moment what he’s going to do for a second time.

֍֎֍