Chapter 7: My Divorce

"Is he..." Zaid sputtered. "Is that..."

"Don't be stupid." I said immediately, feeling protective all of a sudden, narrowing my eyes as I felt sweat forming on my upper lip, my lips drying. My arm shot out to block Zaid from Hamza's view.

"Your mummy's inside sweetheart. Fayza, come get your son!" I yelled, praying to god that she understood what was up and praying that Hamza wouldn't say anything else.

Fayza looked at me with wide eyes and quickly gathered Hamza in her arms. "Come here, baby." She said.

She had put on a jilbaab before leaving quickly, covering Hamza's mouth as he wriggled in her hold.

"Is that Fayza's son?" Zaid asked as if he hadn't believed me.

"No, I was lying." I replied sarcastically with a scoff, trying to hide the pounding in my chest and the frantic look in my eyes. "You've been gone for four years Zaid. Fayza got married in that time and had a child." The lie tumbled out of my mouth before I even had a chance to go over what I was saying.

Zaid looked down at where Hamza had just stood, looking deep in thought with narrowed eyes, my heart continued to beat wildly against my chest.

It was only after my mum came out that Zaid was snapped back into reality.

"Honey," She said looking at me with wide eyes like she didn't want to believe that Zaid was in fact here, very much like me.

She pulled the door open further and faced Zaid.

Zaid looked at her before looking at the ground, a complete look of shame taking over his features.

"As salamu alaykum, mama." He said and I narrowed my eyes, breathing in and out of my nose heavily.

"Wa alaykum salam." She said beneath her breath. "I wouldn't disregard Allah's (swt) salaam and blessings upon you, but do not ever call me that again. Do you understand?"

"Mama, wallahi I can ex..."

"Zaid." She said, raising her hand to tell him to stop. "I do not want to listen." She turned to look at me. "Sumayya, why's he here?"

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. "I don't know, mama. He came and found me two days ago and hasn't been leaving me since then."

She turned towards him with narrowed eyes. "I'm only going to ask you once. Please, leave my home and do not show yourself here again."

"No, you both have to listen to me. Please? Wallahi once I explain myself...you'll understand why I had to leave."

I shook my head. "No." I scoffed. "I don't care why you left me. No matter what, you had no right to leave me like that. The very least you could have done was written me a letter or something to explain. You just left...without an explanation. I'll never let you explain yourself. You don't deserve that chance."

"You know you want to hear why I left!" He yelled and my mum held her forehead as if she had a headache before moving backward and leaning against the wall.

He was right. He was so bloody right. I wanted to know every single detail down to even the most minor ones of why he left, but there was absolutely no way I was telling him that. Just like he'd never know how much I still loved him, he'd never know that in all these years that have past, I've been praying that I'd find out exactly what made him leave somehow.

"I don't."

"You do, Sumayya!"

"I really don't." I shrugged my shoulders carelessly. "Yeah, maybe I did the first week, when I felt completely lost. Maybe I did the first month, when every corner of our house was absolutely hell for me to see everyday in hopes that you'd come back. Maybe even for the first three months, when I had no where to go, no one to turn to. Even after a year, maybe even two years!" I said and I could feel my voice getting louder by the second. "Not anymore, Zaid." He shut his eyes and his whole body seemed to relax when I said his name. "Not after four years."

"You still love me." He said and I scoffed, releasing a laugh, hoping that it wasn't obvious that it was probably the most forced laugh of my life.

"I don't, I really don't."

"Then why'd you keep your rings on all these years."

I subconsciously rubbed my thumb on the back side of my ring finger and again it felt cold without the gold rings on there.

I didn't know what to say so I stayed silent.

He took my silence and turned it into something else as a smile took over his face.

I sucked in a sharp breath as the sight caused me to go weak in the knees.

In that moment, for a split second, him standing on the porch with a small smile on his face as his eyes glistened ever so brightly, made it feel like everything was normal, like he hadn't left me. But he had.

His smile hadn't changed, it was still as beautiful as ever, MashaAllah, but everything else was now different. So different that not even his smile that I would die to see could make me listen to his excuses.

"See? You still love me. Like I still love you."

"We're divorced, Zaid. You can't speak to me like that. Ittaqullah." I said to him with narrowed eyes. "I don't love you anymore, and you clearly never loved me to begin with. Now, please leave."

"Sumayya," He trailed off with hope rising in his eyes. "You don't know, do you?"

I raised an eyebrow. "I don't." I scoffed. "I don't know anything because you didn't tell me anything, remember?"

"No, Sumayya, we're not..."

"Enough, Zaid. Just leave." I muttered, cutting him off. "I've heard more than enough." I said before shutting the door on his face and rushing to the living room, hearing the doorbell being pressed over and over as well as loud pounding as my mum entered the room and sat beside me, engulfing me in a hug.

I released a breath and shut my eyes as I felt the tears I'd been holding back the entire time slowly start to slide down my face, my mum comfortingly pulling me tighter into her warmth, whispering sweet nothings into my ear continuously and hushing me.

"Mummy?" I heard both twins whisper sadly making my heart break.

I forced myself to stop and my sobs calmed a little. My mum pulled away from me and held my face, wiping my tears with her fingertips. "Come on, sweetheart. You're stronger than this now. You've cried enough for him in the past, remember? Those days are over."

I nodded my head, trying to give her a small smile before turning to my kids.

"Mummy's okay." I whispered as I kneeled in front of them, pulling them into me and hugging both of them to my chest.

Their scent was my sole form of comfort in this world and I really couldn't thank Allah enough for blessing my life with them.

"Come on, kids. Let's go and eat our shawarma now?" My mum said softly, smiling towards me slowly.

I released a small smile as I sniffled and wiped my cheeks dry with the backs of my hand. "Shawarma sounds really good right now." I smiled at her and she laughed, throwing her arm over my shoulder as we walked to the kitchen, Hamza and Hafsa already making it there before us and making Fayza laugh.

As long as I had my babies and my parents with me, I wouldn't ask for anything else from Allah.

Al-hamdu-lillahi-rabbil-alameen.

::::