Chapter 11: My Fear

I smiled as I saw a Muslim family enter the restaurant. I walked up to them and smiled.

"As salamu alaykum." I greeted.

"Wa alaykum salam." The mother greeted and I extended my arm, gesturing for them to walk over to an available table.

I took their orders and then walked to the kitchen. "Two pancake stacks and two big breakfasts." I called as I hung the paper onto the railing and proceeded to make the family their tea and milkshakes.

I always imagined having my own family like them when I got married to Zaid.

We would go out and I would feel the absence of children, but now we would go out and I would feel the absence of Zaid.

I was used to him not being in my life and slowly it felt like life was going back to normal. It had been a week since he had showed up on my mum's doorstep and I haven't seen him since. Yesterday I had returned back to my dad's house and things fell back to their normal routine.

I sighed and put the tea onto the tray for the adults before making a milkshake for the boy who seemed about my age and the girl who was 15 or so.

"Here you go." I smiled at them as I placed their beverages in their respective places.

"Darling," The mother whispered. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but my son has felt interested in you as a potential spouse, InshaAllah. If you're..."

I cut her off politely. Thank god the guy was now gone and it wasn't too awkward. "I appreciate the offer, but I've already got kids." I smiled at her and her mouth fell open slightly.

"Oh, okay then! I'm sorry. Allahumma barik." She said with a apologetic smile and I shook my head with a grin.

"It's fine. Wa feekum." I smiled softly. "Your meals will be here in five."

I walked away and shook my head. This was the fifth maybe sixth time that something like this had happened since Zaid left and I had given the same reason every time.

No one ever questioned whether or not I was married since they probably assumed I was once I said I was a mother.

I remember my dad opening the conversation to me once.

Flashback.

"Habibti, I want to talk about something with you."

"Yes, baba?"

He sighed, licking his lips before holding his hands over mine.

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way, okay?"

I nodded, curious as to what he was going to tell me.

"I think we should start seeking a spouse for you." He said quietly as my throat became dry. "It's been two years and I..."

"No." I said, cutting him off and shaking my head.

"Swee..."

"No. No, baba. I don't want to get married. I have my babies with me. I don't need anyone else." I said, narrowing my eyes.

My dad gave me a sad smile. "Listen, it's more acceptable if you get married. One day I'm not going to be here anymore. Neither is your mother. I don't want you to be alone." His voice broke and my features softened as I sighed, squeezing his larger hands in mine.

"Baba, please." I said with an exhale as I pulled my hands out of his grasp and stood up and gave him a pleading look, wanting the conversation to end. "I don't want to get married. I don't think I'll ever be able to get married again after what he did."

My dad gave me a sympathetic look. "Not everyone is like him, habibti." He said.

I shook my head. "Is that why you and mum got divorced? Is that why Jessica and her husband got divorced? Marriage is just trusting someone only to be heartbroken, baba. I don't want to go through that again."

"I don't want you to be alone if something happens to me." He said in response.

"Hamza and Hafsa will be more than enough for me, baba. Please, don't open this conversation again." I said to him and he gave me a small nod as he sighed sadly, getting up to hug me and true to his word, the conversation had never opened again after that.

End of flashback.

The hours passed by fairly slowly after that until I clocked off and bid goodbye to my co-workers and Bella before walking to my car.

I unlocked it and got inside, untying my apron and placing it on the passenger seat before starting the engine only to notice a paper on the front window. "You're kidding me." I muttered.

Since when is it illegal for a worker to park in the own parking space of the restaurant that was specifically reserved for workers?

I got out of my car and took the paper out from under the windscreen wiper before realising it wasn't a ticket.

What the hell?

I unfolded it and my body froze, my eyes widening as I read over the words, my heart pounding against my chest wildly.

How many kids does 'Fayza' have?

I looked around, my breaths becoming quicker as I took my phone out of my pocket and called Justin immediately, getting into the car and locking the doors.

"What's up, sis?"

"Are you home?" I asked him quickly.

"Yes, what's wrong? Are you okay?" He asked, his voice full of concern.

"I need your help." I said. "I'll be home in ten."

"Are you okay?" He repeated.

"Yeah. See you soon." I said, hanging up the phone and starting the journey home.

Does this mean he knew? He was clearly talking about the two baby seats in the back of my car. Why wouldn't he come in ask me rather than leaving a note?

If I knew anything about Zaid, it was that he was impulsive. If he thought Hamza was his child, which he clearly did from the note, then I knew he would be mad, furious and more than just angry which means he would have come inside and began yelling at me that I hid the kids.

I didn't hide the kids from him of course. I tried desperately to get into contact with him after I found out about my pregnancy but he was unreachable in every single way possible. I had even tried after I gave birth, yet still there was no way I could find him.

I reached home and parked the car, getting out and walking into the house.

I saw Jessica sitting on the floor and playing with the kids. Their backs were facing me and so I held up my finger to my mouth at Jessica. Mouthing that I'd be down in five minutes before quietly passing the kids and rushing up the stairs to Justin.

"Sumayya." He breathed out after opening his door after I knocked on it. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Zaid found out about the kids." I told him.

Out of everyone, Justin was probably the one person who wouldn't want Zaid anywhere near the kids and so I hoped that he would help me.

:::::

"He might not be sure." I said as I finished explaining everything that had happened to him.

"He knows." He replied. "He definitely knows."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked up at Justin. "How are you so sure?"

"He hasn't bothered you for a week after that day. He probably went off and was thinking the whole time if it could actually be his kid. You said he was rich. I'm sure he already found out somehow if you've got kids or not. Probably hired a private investigator which is why he hasn't been bothering you. He may have thought to himself that they weren't his, but like you said, his eyes are the same as Hamza's so I'm guessing he's not that dumb."

I held my head in my hands and breathed in and out deeply.

"Why wouldn't he come and speak to me then?"

He shrugged in response. "Maybe he needs some time to take it all in, but he just wanted you to know that he knows. I'm sure he'll show up and try talk to you soon."

"I don't want him to take away my babies, Justin." I said as I stood up and paced in front of him.

"Relax, Sumayya. He won't take them away from you. None of us will allow for that to happen." He said, his voice promising. "One thing I advise you to do is tell Abdullah." He said.

I nodded. "You're right."

::::

I cowered in my seat as my dad looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Two weeks ago and you tell me now!" He yelled as he shot up off the couch when I told him I had ran into Zaid.

"I thought he would leave once I told him no, baba! I'm sorry."

"But you told your mum straight away!? What has your mum given you that I haven't? I thought we had a relationship based on love and trust and yet you hide this from me? Something as big as this?" He asked, his voice fading as he now sounded hurt.

"No, baba. Wallah, it wasn't like that! I was never going to tell mum either, but he came there when I was there and she only find out because of that! Only Justin and Fayza knew, I didn't tell anyone else. Baba, I love and I trust you! I just didn't think it'd drag on and I definitely didn't think he'd find out about Hamza and Hafsa. If I had known I would have told you."

He sighed, wiping the tears from my cheeks away as he hugged me. "I should have known. You seemed off lately. I should've known there was something wrong. I'm sorry, habibti."

I told him it was okay and that we could move on from here about what we should do.

"What does...what does your mum think?" He asked me, raising his eyebrows in curiosity.

"She thinks I should do what I think is best for Hamza and Hafsa."

"And what does she think that is?"

"She said every child deserves a dad."

My dad sighed, leaning back on the couch as he ran his hands through his hair and over his face in frustration. I stayed silent, twiddling with my fingers together as I looked at him through my lashes, wondering what was going through his mind.

"She's right." He said, making my heart sink as I started hyperventilating.

"Sumayya? Sumayya! Hey, calm down! Habibti." My dad said as he began breathing in and out to make me follow his actions.

My anxiety attacks had stopped after the twins birth, and now it had happened three times in the past three weeks ever since Zaid returned.

"Come on, sweetheart. Calm down." He said as he rubbed my back and fanned my face with a newspaper.

Eventually I calmed down before throwing myself into my dads inviting arms and crying against his chest.

My biggest and possibly only fear was that Zaid would take the kids away from me.