CHAPTER 1

Chapter 1

"You are a disappointment! How could you do this to me? He's my partner, damn it."

"What difference does it make?" I whine.

"He's married and expecting a child with his wife, that’s the difference" he thunders. I blink, incredulous. This is absurd. It's a lie made up simply to hurt me. Raffaele always swore to me that things were ending between them. He couldn't have done this to me, he couldn't have fooled me.

I shake my head refusing to believe my father's words.

"Don't tell me he promised to leave her to be with you," he rages with a sarcastic smile.

"Yes, he did. At least a thousand times." I lower my head because I don't want him to see my tears.

"Tomorrow we're announcing your engagement to Nicola," he states facing my silence.

"No."

"Oh, yes we are."

A vigorous knock on my bedroom door makes my eyes open widely. My heart is racing, and my cheeks are dampened by tears. I don't know what time it is; I don't even know what day it is, all I know is that I'm locked in here and I don't feel the need to leave.

"Giada, I have to go downtown. If you ever get hungry, I left you something to eat in the oven."

Electre's disappointed voice echoes in the dark room. I roll to the other side of the double bed and bury my head under the pillow to block the world out. Even though I promised her not to lock myself away, I did. I'm sorry I didn't keep my word, but the pain that overwhelmed me once my anger subsided is too strong to contain. I struggle to react, to be the same Giada my friend has always known. I’ve found myself doing nothing but crying, as it’s the only effective way I’ve found to vent my feeling.

I close my eyes, which are burning from the incessant tears, and try to let the thoughts and memories leave my mind in order to let me sleep.

I'm not allowed to though. I can't accept the way things turned out. I can't accept that my father threatened me with his arrogance. I cannot accept that I gave in to the advances of a man who swore he would leave his wife to be with me.

He who seduced me, made me touch the sky and then let me fall to the ground as if I were worthless, abandoning me and denying everything that had happened.

I believed in our hypothetical future because he gave me reason to.

"Giada." Electre's voice comes back to fill the room and echo in my head. I jerk in fright. I thought she was out, going on with her life regardless of me acting as dead weight. She knocks and tries to come in, but the door is locked.

"Giada, please. Get out of that room and come to dinner. You haven't eaten anything in three days. You can't go on like this." Her voice is increasingly bitter, laden with fatigue, and it's all my fault.

Between the tears and sobs, I didn't realise how much time had passed.

"Giada, please, I know it's hard to start again, but let's face it together. Don't isolate yourself, at least not from me. Take matters into your own hands and come back to life. You can't give up." Maybe she's hoping to shake life back into me, but the only reaction she gets is a pillow to the face. Or at least that's what she would have received had I opened the door and let her in.

She's right though, I can't keep this up.

"Giada." This time her voice sounds more like a moan and once again I shove my face into the pillow. I press it as hard as I can, hating myself for driving her to exasperation as well. What kind of friend am I? A bad one, it would seem.

"I swear if you don't come out on your own, I'm going to break down this door and drag you out myself."

I don't answer even though I know she might. "Please open up."

I sigh. I get up from the bed and reach the door only just managing to rest my hand on the handle.

I rest my forehead on the wood feeling the cold that surrounds me and pierces into my bones. This is a new, different kind of cold, one which I am subconsciously creating with my own hands, through which I feel I can protect myself. My head starts to spin, catching me off guard. My legs give way under the weight of my body, which feels like lead.

"I'm sorry" I whisper before everything turns black.

***

I slowly open my eyes, convinced that as soon as the air touches my pupils, I will start crying again. But no. I lazily move between the sheets, limited by the pain. I ache all over, yet I don't remember a thing. I feel like a wreck, much more than I should at twenty-two.

"Hey, you're awake." Electre's warm, loving voice comes to me loud and clear as if she were in the room, by my side and not outside where I had confined her.

"Ele," I whisper, trying to get up. What prevents me from doing so is my friend holding me by the shoulders.

"Don't move" she orders. She pulls the covers over me and sits on the bed beside me. "How..."

"How did I get in? After I heard you fall to the floor, I had to call the owner who unhinged the door. He helped me get you into bed, but I had to explain your condition and promise many favours to keep him from taking you to the hospital. Do you realise you haven't eaten in days? You can't go on like this."

That's not at all what I needed, a motherly lecture. She is disappointed by my behaviour and has every reason to be. I didn't think that what happened to me could completely knock me out. Of course, I never imagined that those who were supposed to love me no matter what, would be ready to sell me off as easily as an old, weathered object. Nor for that matter did I expect to be mocked by those I thought loved me.

Electre hands me a glass of fruit juice in hopes of giving me some strength. She directs the straw towards my lips and gently pushes it into my mouth, waiting for me to drink. I take a small sip and let the tingling flavour invade my taste buds. When I eventually swallow, it feels like running razor blades down my throat. I endure the pain, I must, because I don't want to show her how much her caring gesture hurts me. She's the only one who cares about me and she's showing me that.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"No, honey... no need to apologize. Now you sit up and eat something. You have to pick yourself up and start living again as if nothing happened as if that blackmail had never been directed at you and as if the affair with that man had never taken place. Because the Giade I know would do that. Make up a new identity if you want, but fight back, please."

She's irritated, I can tell by her expression and the tone of her voice. Her eyes are shining, though, and I really want to listen to her and make her happy, but I can't. Festering inside me are only emptiness and pain. I squint my eyes and a tear rolls down my cheek. Before I even get a chance to sob, she hugs me tightly. I don't know if I actually feel better but knowing that she will fight by my side and that I won't be alone through this ordeal gives me more strength.

"Let it out, scream to the point of exhaustion if you need to, but please do it on my shoulder and not locked within these four walls." I release my arms from her grip and wrap her body against mine.

I sink my face into the crook of her neck and do as she asks. I let the anger, frustration, disappointment, and sense of helplessness leave my body, and stifle a desperate cry that burns my throat, eyes, and heart.

"It'll pass, you'll see," she whispers into my hair between outbursts as she gently strokes my back.

"I'm so tired. I want to react, I really do, but..." I don't know how much time has passed. I'm exhausted and my voice dies in my throat from the effort.

"Then do it. You can't treat yourself like this. You came here to do what? Sob desperately by yourself? I don't think so."

Electre stands up, grabs my hands, and pulls until she manages to rip me from the bed.

"You're now completely relying on me. Do what I say, and you'll see that you’ll come out on top." I nod with terror in my eyes. "Good. First thing first..." She leaves my side and walks over to the window. She opens it to let some fresh air in, but the light that follows burns my eyes. "Now come with me." She grabs my arm and leads me to the bathroom where a Jacuzzi is placed in front of the window. In one corner, hidden behind a glass wall, there's a shower gorgeous enough to make a spa envious. The shiny black and blue tiles combined with the endless series of buttons promise first-class relaxation.

"Let's start here: a nice relaxing shower while I prepare something for you to eat. Use anything and everything that calls your name." She strokes my arm, perhaps to entice me to do what I’ve been told. "Would you rather I helped you?" she asks mischievously after noticing my hesitation. I shake my head, gathering my thoughts. I don't want her to be reduced to being my caregiver, going as far as to wash me. The last time this happened things went way beyond that.

"Hurry up, when you’re done, we'll go shopping." She swiftly walks out, closing the door behind her. "Make sure you don't take hours, or I'll come in and do it for you, but trust me, that wouldn’t be any fun," she yells from the hallway. I smile like a fool and start undressing.

I can't thank her enough for her determination. I knew my trust would be well placed.

As the water soaks my body, I close my eyes, trying to relax as much as possible. I really want to move on, get on with my life, leave everything behind, especially the adventure I had with Raffaele.

If only Electre knew it was him that I was having an affair with.

"Giada, I'll leave something clean for you to wear on the chair by the sink," my friend says as she enters and exits the bathroom at lightning speed.

I shake my head when I hear her voice, snapping out of my daydream, and proceed to give myself a quick wash with the products I find in the holder.

As soon as I get out, I grab one of the folded towels on the cabinet and wrap myself up trying to dry off. They are incredibly soft and remind me of home. Consuelo, the housekeeper, always left them in these exact conditions for me to find, freshly scented with a hint of Parma violets.

I turn to look at what Electre brought me to wear and sigh as I find denim shorts and a tank top. It wouldn’t usually be an issue, I like to dress like that, and I have the body for it, but I somehow expected to find something more chaste.

I get dressed, brush my hair, and tie it up. I look up at the mirror and the sight of my reflection makes me even sadder. A pale face embellished by dark circles under my eyes which seem to be my most prominent feature as of right now. I don't want to look like someone who spent days moping in her bedroom, so I try to find some make-up.

I open a cabinet drawer where personal items are usually kept and, fortunately for me, I find a well-stocked set. Next to them is a small bottle of perfume. I don't use much as I don't want to exaggerate or look like someone who wears an excessive amount of make-up at this time of... is it morning? Afternoon? I don't know. It's so bright outside that it seems to be early afternoon, but I can’t be sure. Maybe the sun is really intense here even early in the morning or near sunset. When I'm ready I come out of the bathroom and, to my enormous surprise, I find my friend leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed.

"Makeup? Wow."

"Don't grumble. I'm trying, appreciate the effort," I huff crossing my arms in turn.

"Don’t be so sour, it was just a compliment." Maybe I should calm down, she's right after all, her tone wasn't meant to offend. "When you get out of here and I finally see your trademark dazzling smile on your face, then I'll leave you alone. But, until then, I will be your worst nightmare."

"Are you done?" I giggle as she plays the fool in an attempt to make me crack a smile.

Maybe this new Giada can't handle it, since the one she met was completely different. If only she knew it was Raffaele's fault I'm in this mess.

"Let's go, otherwise we won't get anything done." She grabs my wrist and pulls me in close, until our breasts are touching. This contact brings back old memories I had put aside. "Now eat something," she whispers as she strokes my cheek with her knuckles, then runs along the outline of my chin with her thumb. Her eyes fix on my lips. "Then we can go shopping." She lifts her gaze, pointing it into mine. She smiles, trying to reassure me with her sweetness. I sigh and return her smile, hoping it's enough for her since that's all I can do right now.

In the kitchen, she had prepared a hearty meal and made sure I ate it all, staring at me from the very first bite to the last.

Scrambled eggs, toast, diced feta with sliced cucumbers and halved cherry tomatoes on which she had smeared cheese. A glass of grapefruit juice accompanied by a glass of water and a coffee, just the way I like it.

"If you ate meat, I would have added two slices of bacon or a grilled chicken breast, but since you're a vegetarian I avoided it." I look up at her staring in disbelief at all the love she's giving me. "You still are, right? Because if you've changed, I'll rustle something up for you."

"Don't worry about it. It's fine, thanks." Never has anyone outside of Consuelo been interested in what I eat or what I like best.