Raise above

My mom came to pick me up at the station. Now everything seemed like the old days, before I even knew Mason. Although those days were careless I have erased them completely from my memory like nothing before Mason has ever existed. He has made me a different person.

"So, how are things going?" My mom was excited to see me after so long, I felt guilty for not being able to put even a fake smile on my face.

"They're good..." I nodded my head looking at the road and not even realizing how many times I've nodded my head.

"How did you like Atlanta?" She kept taking her eyes off the road only to look at me. I was scared because I had no desire to die before I see everyone at least one more time.

"It was good. I guess..."

"That's it? Everything was good? What's wrong? You don't seem happy to be back here. Or you're sad because it's Emma's anniversary?"

"It's nothing, mom. Really. I'm fine." I knew it was impossible to lie to her but I still tried. I have no idea what was on my mind. Maybe after all that time in Atlanta I have forgotten what everyone is like here.

"Alright." I couldn't believe she accepted that as an answer and just continued driving. I didn't want to listen to her questions but a part of me wanted her to not stop bothering me until she gets the truth out of me. It's always that stupid little part that messes up everything...

"Well your cousins are very excited to see you. Do you know they all haven't seen you ever since you married Mason? That was like two years ago..."

"Ugh, I'm not sure I want to see them." I completely forgot about all the other people that Emma's anniversary might attract. People that heard about my failures and are eager to see me at my worst.

"What does that mean?"

"I just... They all hate me. Now they will finally get what they want. I'm almost twenty-seven, divorced a billionaire who cheated on me and has two kids with my maid and I have isolated myself from everyone familiar for the past year. They don't care about Emma. They will come to see me and mock me."

"Ugh, sometimes I just can't understand you. You always find a way to make a connection with everything that happens and make it about you. Those girls are the best and the most behaved girls I have ever seen in my life. To be honest, I wouldn't mind having one of them as a daughter instead of you."

"What? Mom, how can you say that?" I have no idea what has gotten into her. I haven't seen her in a year and I was surprised it took her so little to start humiliating me again.

"I'm sorry..." She tried to calm down again. "But it just pisess me off that you do that all the time. My daughter died two years ago. It has nothing to do with you."

I lowered my head not even thinking of a response. This conversation has gotten in a completely wrong direction. We both haven't said a word until we finally arrived home.

As soon as we parked in the backyard I've seen my dad with his hands wide spread waiting for a big hug, the one you would give to someone you haven't seen for a year.

I came out of the car and ran to hug him. He noticed my mother was back in her usual bad mood.

"Naomi, my girl. How is your mother angry again when she left in such a good mood?"

"She's the reason." My mom said while closing the car door. He looked at me trying to get some answers. I shook my head no.

"Alright, well I suggest we all go inside and get ready to go to the graveyard. We'll pray for Emma together."

I've looked behind him and noticed a bunch of white roses on the lawn that they have cut. They never grew flowers, but I remembered that white roses were Emma's favorite flowers. Seeing that was overwhelming in so many ways.

We all went to the graveyard together, where my relatives already were. I've seen my cousins laugh and whisper to each other as we were walking closer to them.

"Hello." My father said when we came to the grave. Seeing Emma's name on a grave will never be normal for me, no matter how much time passes.

"Hey, how are you all?" My uncle said offering me a hand. "Naomi, I haven't seen you in years. How are you?

"I'm fine. Thanks." I took a step back so I wouldn't have to greet all those other idiots too.

"We heard about everything you've been through." My cousin started. "We feel so sorry for you."

"Don't be." I said watching my mother smile at them like she was looking at the angels, thinking that they actually meant what they were saying. "My life is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing."

They started giggling again, but of course my mother ignored that.

"What's so funny?" I asked making all the grown-ups look at the three of them and noticing their laughs.

"Laughing at an occasion like this is unacceptable. Girls, I raised you better than that." My uncle said while his wife just stood with her arms crossed approving everything her girls did.

"But we just can't help it..."

"Yeah, she's such a loser."

"And look at her hair. I bet she didn't wash it in months."

"That's enough..." Their father said.

"No, let them talk. That's all they'll ever be able to do anyways. You know what? You have no reason to be sorry for me. Yes, I've been through some shit, but I'm proud it didn't make me a bitch like you! I'm sorry, I'm leaving. Emma would want me to leave too! Actually, she would've wanted me to smash your stupid faces but I won't do you that favor!"

I turned around and left while ignoring my mother's constant yelling for me to get back. The first thing I need to do to get a new life I deserve is getting rid of toxic people in my life, no matter if I'm related to them or not.

_________

I went back home and took a shower so long until the water was cold. When I got used to it cold water actually felt good. It made me feel alive again, woke up my senses.

All I thought about is the day I saw Mason the last time. He was willing to die for me, but I rejected him and dated a complete jealous jerk for months. But he didn't kill himself in the end... Does that mean he wasn't serious about it or he knew that someday I will break up with Alex? Maybe he knew that eventually we will both be single again.

What am I even thinking about?

For some reason I feel like someone has put a spell on me so no matter who am I with or what am I doing I never stop thinking about Mason. His muscular arms, his deep unarming voice and those stone cold blue eyes.

I wouldn't acknowledge to myself that I have in fact missed him with all my heart. Every single part of him. Even the bad things, which are also a part of who he is.

But I knew that he was happy now, living a life with Lisa and his two kids. Maybe they even got another one. Or a few of them, knowing Mason.

No matter who he is with or what he is doing, I have decided to go to Lisa's house, hoping she still lives there and asks her to see Jacob because I will go back to Atlanta in a few days.

I thought that no matter what has happened between me and Mason, I still have every right to see the child I was taking care of for such a long time and that will forever have a special place in my heart, although he isn't my real son.

It's was hard for me to justify that or find an excuse if Lisa asks me why I came. I realized I didn't need any excuses. I only wish to see Jacob one time, she can't forbid me to do that.

It was hard for me I wasn't able to be with him for his first birthday, but I have found a way to calm myself by telling me I wasn't his real mother and I don't belong to his birthday anyways. Still, that was far from helpful.

This will be the last time I see him. I will go back to Atlanta after that and never come back.

Just not yet. I am not ready to face all the changes at once. They have put me to my bottom and now I have no power to raise up again. Perhaps my biggest problem is needing someone to help me get up. I need to learn how to stand up by myself.