Chapter 7: Back in time

When I was 20 years old was when I noticed that Kevin was never gonna look my way, that's when I convinced myself that I had to distance us, I had to detach my self from him emotionally and that's when he started openly seeing people. For 2 years he keped his sexual activities low, it's not that he didnt do it infront of me but there was always a limit. When I started separating myself from him he became more wild, I didnt like it but who was I to tell him that? Who was I to try and put a stop to it? A couple of the guys voiced there concern but I didnt really pay mind to it, his a grown man he could do what he wanted or in that case who he wanted. At that point I watched from the sidelines, I saw him break heart after heart, I saw countless time what should have been the walk of shame, but in his case he walked as if he were to be handed a trophy. As if he has leveld up in some sort of game, yeah that's what it was to him a game. A game he played well a game in wich he was sure to win, or so he thought.

After about 3 years of countless fucking, one night stands, hooking up with women from and out of town he stopped. I should feel ashamed that I watched him, unnerved that I sat back although it hurt, I enjoyed it?

I would image my self in that room, on that bed, my hands roaming his body. I would allow myself the pleasure of thinking he was fucking me! But then he brought this one girl back, 2 nights?, a month?, and I keped seeing her. why?

At some point I gave up hope, hope that his onetime things were just a distraction, that he at some point would end up inviting me to that room. She was now the owner of his heart he was at her beck and call, all she had to do was raise her eyebrow and there he was like a lost puppy wagging his tail, it made me sick, it made me mad, she had him where I wanted him, she was in other words his master. He was not the submissive type, but with her, with her he lost himself.

It wastn until a year ago that she finally desapired, she was just gone one day, left me thinking I had imagined the whole thing if it wasnt because she had left a couple of her things around the club house I would have been sure she was a figment of my imagination. He didnt even seem affected by her..., what should I call it?, departure? I dont know I just know things went back to normal, obviously not completely but in some sense it did and I wasn't very much thankful for it because now, now he had wanted to talk more to me, he had wanted to go back, he had wanted to act as if nothing changed. But I couldn't, even if he didn't see it. I did this, I pushed him away and it wasnt because I didnt want him, the complete opposite. I wanted him so bad it was starting to hurt, I knew he didnt see me that way but I couldn't help myself to a serving of him every now and then. I mentally enjoyed him. I watch and drank him in daily and that wasnt fair to him.

He was my best friend, he held my secrets and I his, there was no way that he wanted me in the same way so I dont regret what I did. But that doesn't take away the fact that I missed him. I missed talking to him, I missed hanging out, I missed him just being there. But I cant keep putting myself through that. I have to live on, and now I had somewhere to move on to.

It was gonna hurt like hell, it is gonna pain me in ways that I might not have ever felt but it will be for the best, he needs better and he knows it. I can't help but want to breath him in every time his around, I cant help but hang on to his every word and find other meanings to them. In my head he has asked me to let him in so many times, in my head he has declared that he too felt the same way, in my heart he has lived for years. It was time to open the gates and let him out, it was time to stop hurting. And I knew it was gonna be an unsteady climb but he was worth it it was better to have him in my life as a friend than not at all.

We finally arrived at the club and I was showed to what would be my room I sat at the edge of the twin size bed in the small room and pulled out my phone. I studied it as if searching for answers but it gave me none so I had no choice but to make the call.

The phone rang, and rang, and rang. I mean really it felt like I sat there for hours just waiting but I knew better I knew it had only been seconds. You know when you get scared that you feel yourself being pulled away from your body, you fell like your giving up control to some other part while you sit back and just try and survive, you know, try not to have a panick attack. That's how I felt listening to the ringing of the phone I felt like I was gonna vomit any minute now, I felt like I was gonna get dehydrated by the way I was sweating, it was getting harder and harder to breath, my eyesight focused on a dent in the wall it was so little you wouldn't be able to see it but I did. Then he answered.

"Hello?, Mesperyian, baby? Everything ok?" Why does he keep calling me baby? He should know by now that I'm head over heels for him, he shouldn't be encouraging me.

"Uuummmm" wow was I nervous. It's not like I'm gonna tell him a family member died over the phone. Why do people even do that? Call you to tell you someone died? That's not right. I mean it's fine if you live in a different country but if your only a couple of minute away why not make the trip actually be there for this person. I'm avoiding it again, I always do this distract myself from the task at hand.

"I guess yeah." I finaly say choking on my saliva. How pathetic, people make it seem so easy you know to brake up over the phone, what am I saying I'm not breaking up with him. We were never more then friends. We, ja, Us, jajaja, funny words that can mean so much to some but so little to others

"You guess, baby what's bothering you? It's the middles of the night, why aren't you sleeping?" He asked. Stop! Just stop! Stop calling me baby, stop caring, stop answering your phone, just stop, I need it to stop. This isn't me, I'm not the whiny tipe. But I've heard one changes for the right person. And he might be the right person for me but I will never be the right person for him.

"I just got in. I was out doing a job." I took a pause to breath in expecting to be able to smell him but no luck, at this point I'm driving myself insane.

"I found my brother, Kevin, I found Jamie, and he is so scary, like big scary, ofcourse I was shitting myself but I didnt let him see it, ooh and I knocked one of his guys out oh my god! Kevin you should have seen it, it was like fighting the hulk you would have been so proud!" He chuckled at my rambling, sidetracking again Allyson! Goddes help me, I dont think I can do this.

"That's good sweetheart. But this could have waited till after you slept, what's going on?" I heard movement on the other side. Ofcourse he was busy, why didnt I think about this before, I'm interrupting what ever he was doing.

"I'm sorry, I should have waited. Sorry for bothering, I'll let you get back to what you were doing." Or who you were doing I wanted to add but stopped myself, this is exactly why I called. I'm cutting ties, at least the ones that made there way to him in ways he wasnt able to reciprocate.

"What? No, that's not what I meant. I love to hear your voice. But I know you Allyson. I know something is wrong." Allyson, that made it so much harder, he always only called me Mesperyian and apparently now baby or sweetheart too but Allyson never, not after giving me what he called my roadname even though I'm technically not part of the club.

"Yeah." I paused and there was a silence I was hoping for him to talk and make me want to not do this but he didnt.

"After this is all over I'm gonna." I took in a deep breath of air preparing  myself for what was about to come out of my mouth. My brain was telling me to not be stupid but my heart needed this. Stupid right? Usually the brain is the smart one you know cause its The Brain but in my case it was throwing me back to different scenarios where I had fooled myself to belive that he was intrested.

"I'm gonna come stay here with him." Wow actually saying it took so much weight of my chest.

"Ok, for how long? You are planning on coming back right?" He sounded sad, but that could just be my brain making up this stupid reason as to why he could sound sad, you know, and then making me belive he did.

"No, I wasn't. Not really." I heard a crash on the other side before he started to scream over the phone causing me to move it away from my ear.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? SO YOUR PLANING ON STAYING AWAY? LEAVING ME HERE WITHOUT YOU?"

What was his problem? Why is he acting this way? Where is he going with this?

"What?, What do you mean leave you there without me? Alpha I," I wasnt done talking but he cut me off.

"STOP CALLING ME THAT! YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THE GUYS! I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT!"

"SINCE WHEN?!" I question dumbfounded.

"Always Allyson, since the moment you started calling me that." His voice was now low it might have been a whisper if he wasnt on the phone.

"I dont understand where this is coming from Kevin, but I need this. To be here."

"Why?"

"I just do."

"Give me a reason Allyson. Give me an actual reason to why you dont want to come back."

"Its not that I dont want to, it's that I cant go back."

"Allyson please, dont do this, your my bestfriend." There it is. That's why, cause I'm his best friend and nothing more, cause it pains me to want to be something more and not be able to get it.

"And that's why we'll be better off with me here. I'm always gonna be just a phone call away."

"Dont do this baby, please, please, its gonna brake me. Please dont brake me." Why would it brake him, and there he goes again with the baby, he needs to stop.

"Kevin I cant go back, this whole thing is fucked up," and he cuts me off again.

"If its cause you wont feel save, I can fix it, I will fix it, baby give me some time to fix it. But please dont tell me you wont come back." He sounded, devastated? pained? empty?, I dont know but he surely didnt sound happy.

"No, it's not that, please stop calling me baby." He didn't say anything so I continued.

"Its me." He laughed at that.

"What, so now your breaking up with me too? How does it go? It's not you it's me? Come on Allyson, were not teenagers, weve been through alot together. I know you better then you know your self and vise versa."

I didnt say anything, I didnt know what to say I had to rethink my strategy at this.

"You surely know whats going on. I'm sure you've figured it out by now. So tell me what's. the. real. reason?"

"This is, Us, You, Me, this whole thing. I cant keep doing this. Kevin, I wont keep doing this. 6 years is enough. And now you calling me baby or sweetheart and you claiming me, what the fuck was that? Or the fact that now you worry and dont include me in shit anymore. I mean I know I've been distant and pushing you away but when shit happens because of me or indirectly toward me you should fucking tell me!" I raise my voice a little at the end feeling restless.

"What? Pushing me away? Allyson, I'm coming to see you, tell me where you are, we are gonna have this conversation in person."

"No you're not Alpha, give it a rest. I'm done with the conversation, if you ever need a friend you have my number I'll always be there for you but that's it." I pause for a minute trying to convince my self this was the right thing to do.

"I'm not coming home. So dont wait for me." With that I hung up on him and breathed out in relief, now it was time to move on and try to live without him.