CHAPTER 4

I watched him walk away and smiled. As he mentioned, we had had a few conversations thrice. The first two were horrible but the one we had at the airport was different. It was more or less like unsolicited therapy but it was helpful.

I didn’t expect him to follow me outside. If I was being honest, I wouldn’t have done that for anyone. That was why I kept asking why he was there.

The words about me healing and getting better lingered. It was as though he spoke to me at the right time, he spoke to me exactly when I needed it, and I still was not familiar with him. I had just fought with him that morning for Christ’s sake.

As soon as I couldn’t see his shadow, I got up, finally located the key in my handbag, and entered my car heaving a sigh.

I need to be better. I can do better.

I repeated those words severally as though it was my new mantra. I turned on my car engine and nature called.

Oh, come on.

I turned off the car engine in annoyance forgetting that I downed a full bottle of alcohol before coming there. Ergo, it was normal to be pressed. I got down and began walking to the nearest bathroom to release my burden because I started feeling extremely uncomfortable.

**

I got out of the toilet and heaved a sigh of relief. I was washing my hands when I heard one of the toilet doors open and looked in the mirror to meet Anna’s eyes.

I froze.

From her eyes, I could tell that she was shocked.

I washed my hands quickly because I didn’t want to see Martha’s face, the disgrace was enough for one day.

“She is in the car.” Anna said as she walked towards the other lavatory sink beside me to wash her hands.

She read my mind.

I nodded with a smile and walked towards the hand dryer.

The silence was so loud and the hand dryer helped with it.

She was done washing her hands and went to the other hand dryer that was close to the one I was utilizing.

I could feel the tension, the odd tension.

I turned towards her and saw that she was staring at me.

“I’m sorry for what she did to you, yesterday and today”. She started.

We were done with the dryers.

“It’s fine, we both know I deserved it”. I said.

“No, you didn’t. My mum shouldn’t have done that. It was too much and extremely wrong”.

“But I deserved it. Don’t sugarcoat your words Anna. We both know it was about time. I’m sure that deep down, you’re glad”.

Jenny shut the hell up.

“I don’t understand you. Are you trying to get me to say something I don’t mean?”

“No, I want you to admit that I deserved it”

Anna exhaled deeply and inhaled slowly.

“Is that the point of this conversation Jenny?”

I shrugged. Anna scoffed.

“Do you know what? This is what you do. You push people away; even when the person wants to come back, you push the person away and I don’t understand that. I only wanted to sympathize with you here and you made me regret it”.

I didn’t say anything and she continued.

“What the hell is your problem Jenny? You keep forgetting that I lost someone too. I lost my big brother for crying out loud. I hate how self-centered you are”.

I scoffed, as though she was wrong.

“I am self-centered?”

She looked at me, amused, “Yes, you are. You hate to admit it but you know you are. You know you pushed me away. You are the reason why we aren’t on talking terms”.

“That was why I wanted to talk to you yesterday Anna.”

“You wanted to talk to me yesterday but what happened to other days? Why didn’t you reach out to me when we had that big fight? Why didn’t you reach out to me immediately after I left? In fact, what happened over the years? What stopped you from reaching out?”

I fell silent. I couldn’t mutter a word because she was right. This was my cue to apologize. This was my cue to get my best friend back but did I? No.

Anna looked at me, extremely disappointed.

“That’s what I thought. You have nothing to say again. You don’t have any other stupid reasons or excuses to give.”

I wanted to talk. I had a lot to say. So I wanted to speak but she rose her hand, halting me.

“I’m not finished and I sincerely don’t want to hear what you have to say, not anymore. Enough is enough”

My heart broke.

She continued, “I have taken enough from you, we should have been there for each other. We lost someone dear to us Jenny, not just you, both of us did. You wanted to be on your own, you left me in the dark. Which is fine really because you’ve made it clear that this friendship isn’t going to work anymore.”

I could tell from her voice that she wanted to break down. I felt my eyes welling up so I looked down at my toes, boring holes into each of them.

“Look at me Jenny, because this is the last time I ever want to see you.”

Those words hit me like bricks.

I looked at her. Her face was wet with tears.

“Don’t forget this, you did this to us even till the very end. You caused this. Never forget that.” She said and stormed out of the restroom.

**

I honestly didn’t think I would arrive home safely because my eyes were blurred with tears throughout the entire ride. Within 2 days, I heard hurtful words that could last me for a lifetime. Words that stabbed my heart. Words that I deserved. Words that were totally true.

I knew I was toxic, trying to drag everyone down because I wasn’t healing. Deep down, I knew everything Anna told me was nothing but the truth but I could not seem to feel any remorse. The pain I felt clouded my thoughts, my judgements, and my understanding. It was pathetic. Yes, I knew that.

I parked the car, picked my alcohol, and walked into my apartment finding my way to the kitchen. I got out a glass cup and filled it with the alcohol. I looked at the cup recalling all that the bartender told me earlier then I replayed the conversation I had with Anna. I replayed the last words she said to me

Don’t forget this, you did this to us even till the very end. You caused this. Never forget that.

I couldn’t never forget that. I had the chance to redeem myself and I flopped it, again.

What the hell is wrong with you Jenny? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

I sighed and picked the glass and placed it close to my lips, second-guessing my decision. I took a sip. I felt the adrenaline run through my body. It felt so so good. It felt like all the sadness left me with that little sip. I took another sip again and closed my eyes.

Yes, nothing beats this feeling. Nothing at all.

The next time the glass met my lips, I took a gulp and another and another till it finished. I filled the glass again and downed the entire content at once. I dropped the glass cup, picked up the bottle, and walked to the sitting room sinking into one of the sofas.

I looked at the bottle and the bartender ‘s words played in my head.

Nope, I’m a lost cause.

I took a huge gulp of the content and it burned all the way down. I let out a cough and took another gulp again. I kept doing this until there wasn’t a single drop left.

I could feel my eyes getting heavy and my vision blurring as the alcohol took hold, making everything seem hazy and unfocused. I smiled. In my opinion, it was better feeling this way than being sober and reminding myself of how pathetic and disappointing I was of a human being.

I adjusted myself on the sofa and closed my eyes unaware of when I drifted off.