CHAPTER 3

As wrong as it sounded, alcohol made everything better for me. It made me happier, it hindered me from thinking, and it made me feel so so good. Now I saw why I was addicted to it. I could go a whole day without food but I could not say the same for alcohol.

This was going on for close to 2 years and I was disguising it so well until that bartender noticed. I did not care though, I was never going to see him again.

Before leaving my house, I got myself slightly tipsy to face whatever was going to occur in that meeting.

Furthermore, I took another bottle of liquor to my car so I wouldn't run out.

Crazy right? Yes, I know.

I arrived at the airport at 1 pm because the traffic was awful. I quickly rushed into the venue and met a full crowd. I was surprised; the entire hall was full, people were standing outside even. I did not expect this amount of people for something so emotional, honestly. I tried looking inside to see what was going on but I wasn't getting a view, a tall figure kept obstructing me. I felt so frustrated that I had to tap the person's shoulder.

"Could you move a little to the left, I can't seem to get a proper view of what's going on in there". I said, hoping I sounded normal at least.

I didn't get any response.

From the back view of this person, I could tell that this was a male.

"Can you hear me?" I said, tapping him again.

He turned around and said, "Well, if you wanted a proper view, you should have been punctual at ...." He swallowed his words and stared at me in disbelief, I stared at him too, completely baffled.

What the hell?

The bartender was standing in front of me, someone I just had a dispute with, a few hours ago.

Could my day get any better? I thought sarcastically within me.

I tried hiding my shock, "What are you doing here?". I wasn't able to think before that dumb question came out of my mouth.

He scoffed. "Can you hear yourself?"

Yes, I can, however, I'm tipsy, so I can't think straight. I couldn't come here sober.

He scrutinized me, with so much suspicion. Then dilated his eyes like he discovered some gold. "Oh, you're drunk?"

I rolled my eyes, "Tipsy". I admitted.

Shut up, Jenny.

He shook his head in disappointment.

"Well that is low, don't you think?" He said, then turned around.

I didn't know what to say, I was a bit embarrassed, so I walked to another space, hoping to get a view at least. I didn't want my coming there to be a waste. Thankfully, I saw a good spot. The person in front of me wasn't so tall so I was able to see something at least. I was able to see the hall now, there were a lot of people, I still couldn't believe it. Another thing I noticed was a particular big board that had pictures of all the people that lost their lives on the plane. I smiled and began looking for Brian's picture. I was unable to find it in under 5 minutes.

Huh? Why can't I find it?

That's extremely odd.

I was so confused.

"Did you see his picture?" I overheard the woman in front of me ask someone beside her. I still kept looking. At this point, I was stretching my neck, to see his face.

"Why can't I find Brian's picture?" I thought out loud. "That is very strange".

"You knew Brian too? ," The woman in front of me asked, then turned around to look at me.

Wow, my day just got better.

That day became my second worst day. I'm pretty sure you could tell what my worst day is.

That day became my second worst day because I met Brian's mum and Anna face to face.

They were standing in front of me.

I should have stayed behind him,

I should have managed the tension,

I should have pretended that I didn't even know him.

That would have been better than this.

I wasn't prepared for this, not after what occurred last night. I stood right in front of them, frozen.

I couldn't move.

Was I breathing? Nope.

Breathe Jennifer, breathe.

I looked at Anna, I could tell from her eyes that she pitied me.

Why? Could she sense how pathetic I felt within?

"You finally came," Martha said, looking at me with so much detestation. I nodded my head before mustering the courage to speak.

"Yes, the traffic was unbearable but I made it."

"It has been held twice, I'm sure you know that. So, what can you say for not attending them?" She asked.

"Mum, not here, please" Anna pleaded. I looked at her again, but she didn't look back this time.

"What is it, Anna? I asked Jennifer a simple question. Why didn't you attend this meeting since it began? You wanted to be alone right? You wanted to be by yourself because clearly, you are too selfish to care about how other people around you truly feel."

I could tell that we attracted a few people's attention. I looked down, I wanted the ground to swallow me at that point.

"Mum, you should stop. This isn't necessary." Anna said.

"Jennifer?" Martha called out my name and I directed my eyes toward her. "You are not part of this family anymore, I don't want to see you in any place that concerns him, I don't care what you think, I don't care about your reasons. I do not want to see you anywhere that concerns my dead son. Do you understand me??"

I looked at Anna, she was looking at her mum, she looked confused and angry.

Can't you fight for me, Anna? Is this fair?

"Mum, stop doing this. Not here. People are staring," She begged.

"Let them stare! Let them see her for who she truly is. A self-centered brat!" Martha spat. Those words felt like knives impaled through my chest. I looked down again, wishing the ground would swallow me one last time. I felt eyes staring, I felt people judging the situation. I didn't know what to do at that point but I wasn't going to continue standing there. I looked up at Anna again. This time, she was looking at me, with tears in her eyes. Seeing those tears made my eyes water.

Nope, not here Jennifer.

"Excuse me" I muttered, as I walked away and towards my car.

***

I couldn't breathe. I felt my chest tightening as I found my car at the car park and started walking towards it. I was gasping for air but I found none. I got to my car, I tried getting the car keys from my purse but I wasn't reaching it. I felt disoriented; I didn't know when I started sobbing uncontrollably. I sat beside my car and cried. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't reach my car keys, and I couldn't help but replay all that went down in the hall.

This is too much for me to handle.

I can't take this anymore, I really can't.

At that point, I felt useless, pathetic, and pitiful.

That was who I became. A loser; a drunk and loser.

I kept crying. My legs spread out, hands covering my face. If I could see myself, I would have given myself a dirty slap. I felt a presence around me but I sincerely could care less about who was watching. Nothing could be worse than what I had received in there.

"Here," The voice said. I knew this voice from anywhere. I was used to it already. It was owned by the guy that sounded like Brian. I looked up at the bartender and rolled my eyes. I looked at his hand, he was offering a handkerchief to me.

"This is getting out of hand," I said and looked the other way. He dropped the handkerchief on my lap and squatted beside me.

"How we meet? Yes, I agree. We've met thrice now and something odd always happens". He said.

I looked at him, befuddled, "What are you doing here?" I asked. "I wasn't expecting this."

"Let's just say, I'm not self-centered." He responded with a smile. I felt the color drain out of my face. He noticed it.

"Bad joke. I'm sorry." He said.

"You heard everything". I said, covering my face in embarrassment.

"Everyone did, she was pretty loud". He responded.

Oh shit.

"I know it isn't my place but she should not have done that. She went too far" He concluded.

I looked at him and he nodded, "Yes she did, she had no right to say that to you, no matter what you did."

I sighed. "I disagree. I deserve this, I do".

He sat down beside me. I looked at him, confused.

"Why are you here?" I asked again. I could not grasp why he was beside me. Of all people.

"Because you don't want to be alone" He responded, looking at me with so much pity. I sighed again and nodded.

"I don't know why I'm telling you this but here goes. I lost my fiancé on the flight, and it destroyed me".

"Brian?" He asked.

"How do you know his name? " I was so shocked.

"Let's just say you mentioned a lot last night." He said with a smile.

I felt embarrassed.

I didn't know who this man was, but I had tarnished my image in his very eyes.

"What did I say? " I asked, sincerely inquisitive.

"I don't think you'd like to know". And I agreed with him, I didn't want to know, that would be too much embarrassment for one day.

"Thank you for following me outside," I said. He looked at me, extremely shocked.

"Why do you look shocked? "I asked.

"So the self-centered lady knows her magic words".

And I laughed. I laughed so hard.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for being rude to you at your place. I'm also thankful that you took care of me. I shouldn't have said all that to you."

He smiled," Nah, it's fine. You were scared so that is understandable. I shouldn't have said some things either".

"Nope, you were right. I'm a drunk, a chronic one, "

There was a long pause.

"Once again, I know this isn't my place but I just want to say that destroying your health isn't going to bring him back, it is not even worth it. I watched you drink last night and I could tell that you do that every day. Drinking is not going to bring him back, and it will not make you feel better either. I am sure you know that. I suggest it is best you heal, you know I'm right.". He said then got up. "I have to go now, work awaits me".

He turned to leave then turned towards my direction, "You should clean your face, you look awful".

I laughed dryly, "Yeah, I'm sure I look awful". I picked up the handkerchief and started dabbing my face with it.

"You should go home too, you need to rest". He concluded and turned to leave.

"Hey". I said, he turned towards me, "Thank you". I said with a smile.

"It is fine". He said and walked away.