CHAPTER 1

Today marked 2 years since Brian's passing, and it still hurt like the day I discovered it on the news channel. We had an empty burial for him because there were no remains; every passenger on that flight was burnt to ashes, and it was horrible.

Brian's parents invited me and other friends of his to their house today for a memorial dinner. I was sitting in my car, parked close to Brian's house, contemplating whether to walk into my dead fiance's home or drive off to the beach and drink myself to stupor.

I already finished a bottle of Vodka before leaving the house, however, I had another bottle in my car, in case.

Grieving Brian had been hell for me, I did not get better, I kept getting worse. Fortunately for me, I had Anna, she was always there.

My mum was also there, Anna's parents as well. My support system was stronger than I expected.

However, I messed that up, especially with Anna. I kept projecting my feelings toward her and lashing out at her. It got so bad that she stopped visiting me and we stopped talking.

I remember that day vividly, it was 7 months after Brian's passing. I had finished work that day at 6 pm, exasperated. However, I did not want to go home immediately, I did not want to be alone with my thoughts, my mental health was already deteriorating, and I did not want it to get worse. I got into my car and drove to the beach, Brian's favorite place. I had been going there often since he died. He and I went to the beach countless times. A lot of unforgettable memories were made at the beach with him. Our first date was at the beach, our first kiss was at the beach, and he proposed at the beach. He always said, "the beach emerges so many emotions, emotions that are overwhelming, but when you stare at the waves, it strangely calms you". I honestly did not understand what he meant, I always asked him to explain but he never did. Hopefully, I would figure that out.

I got to the beach and met the closed sign. I turned off my car engine and stared at the waves with tears in my eyes. I breathed in deeply and sighed. I tried so hard to control the tears but I lost the battle. I started wailing loudly, it was so hard to reduce my voice. I wailed and wailed till my throat got so dry. My phone lit up, it was Anna calling. I realized that she had been calling but I couldn't hear my phone ringing from all the cries.

Shit.

I had just remembered that she called me at work saying she would be at my place because she wanted to see me. I drove off instantly.

"Are you okay? Where the hell have you been?". She asked with concern after opening the door for me.

"Hey". I muttered as I walked into the kitchen, helping myself to a glass of water.

"I have been worried sick Jenny. You weren't picking up your calls, I called work and was told that you had left. I was so scared. Where have you been Jenny?"

I did not want to talk, I was not in the mood. I was extremely tired, my eyes were puffy, and I was so famished. I sat on the sofa and stared at the black TV screen.

Anna stood in front of me, hands akimbo. "Why aren't you saying anything, Jennifer?"

"Because I am not in the mood Anna, I am exhausted, and I don't feel like talking". I replied calmly.

Anna folded her arms. "I don't like how you have been acting these days. It is so hard to reach you. Most times, you aren't home. You don't tell me where you're going to. We hardly even talk Jenny."

"Anna please!". I shouted. I couldn't believe it. I looked up at her, she stared at me in disbelief. "Please leave me alone, your complaints are extremely irritating."

Anna scoffed, "Excuse me? My complaints are irritating? I have been looking out for you. We both lost someone dear to us, and we have to stick together so we don't lose ourselves, Jenny".

"Well I did not ask you to do this. I lost my fiancé. I lost the love of my life!". I got up, tears welling up in my eyes again.

"And I lost my brother! Are you forgetting that? How selfish can you be?? I am trying to look out for you, you aren't doing the same thing".

"I did not ask you to look out for me Anna. Leave me alone."

Those words broke Anna, I could tell from her eyes. She looked at me with so much dismay, I could tell she was heartbroken. She grabbed her bag from the center table, dropped my extra house keys on the sofa, and walked away without saying a word. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of vodka which I received as a gift a few years back from the shelf. I gulped the content of the bottle thrice and felt so much better. That was when my addiction began.

***

I stared at my watch, 7 pm. The dinner began at 6 pm, I arrived at 5 pm, and I'd been sitting in the car for 2 hours. I had already seen some of his friends entering the house but I hid, of course.

Should I leave?

No no, I shouldn't. I hadn't seen these guys for a year now, and I already acknowledged their invitation. It would be rather rude to leave now.

I inhaled deeply.

Let's do this.

I walked into the house, the security opened the gate for me with open arms.

"Madam, long timeeee," He said with so much joy. "How body?"

"I'm fine, how have you been?" I asked with a sincere smile. I missed him so much. He was fun to be around.

He was about to reply when we heard a voice. I froze.

"Musa, who is that?" The voice asked. I turned around and looked at Anna. I could tell from her face that she wasn't happy to see me. "Oh, you made it." She said. I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not.

"Hey". I started. "How is the dinner going?"

She looked at me, trying so hard to conceal the anger she felt towards me. "Quite well, they have been expecting you". She said and started walking into the house before I could let out another word. I quickly followed her.

"Anna, we need to talk, please. I don't want us to keep being this way."

Anna ignored me and kept walking. I could hear low murmurs coming from the dining room, I quickly forced a smile as we edged close.

"Jennifer is here!" She announced as she walked in with me behind. The room fell silent.

I shouldn't have come here. I thought to myself as my smile disappeared. I looked at the table, I looked at my ex-parents-in-law. Martha, Brian's mum, looked frail and tired. Ben, his dad, still looked better than ever. I felt a pain in my chest as I stared at Ben, he reminded me so much of Brian, because they looked so identical. I glanced at Brian's three best friends, James, Kenneth, and Michael, who stared at me like I was some stranger. Then I looked at Anna, who busied herself with the meal in front of her.

Should I just leave? Should I go home? What am I doing here? I thought to myself.

"Are you going to keep standing there Jenny?" Ben asked. I heard snickering coming from the guys. I looked at Ben and smiled.

"No, however, I feel unwanted." I responded calmly.

"Well, that is your fault, not ours." Martha said with a rude tone in her voice.

"Mom!" Anna scolded.

"What? Am I lying? You didn't speak to us for a year Jenny, what did we do to you? Tell us!" She got up angrily. "Why did you cut ties with us?"

I looked down at my toes, praying for the ground to swallow me whole because I couldn't take more of this. I could feel the tears coming but I tried so hard to hold them in, which was successful. I looked up again.

"I didn't cut ties with you, I only wanted to be alone." I replied.

"You are so selfish and wicked." She said with tears in her eyes. "Look around, we all lost someone dear to us". She pointed at Brian's friends, "They lost their best friend," She pointed at Ben, "He lost his only son," She pointed at Anna who bowed her head, "She lost her only brother," and she pointed at herself, "And I lost my only son."

"Martha, sit down, you shouldn't do this, not on this day." Ben said calmly as she sat down still looking at me.

She wasn't done with her speech, "We all try to be strong for each other, because no one can bear this alone. Then you suddenly decided to be on your own. You lost him but we also lost him!" She concluded.

The room fell silent again. I was still standing. They were still looking at me.

No, I couldn't do it anymore. It was humiliating.

"So why was I invited?" I asked sternly. Martha was about to respond and I could tell from her facial expressions that I was going to be scolded so badly. However, someone else interjected.

"Excuse me?" This was a different voice. A male voice, I directed my eyes towards Kenneth. Brian never called Kenneth his best friend, he called him his brother, and they were extremely close. I watched Kenneth walk towards me. "Look," I followed his finger which pointed at the table. Brian's picture - which I did not notice when I walked in. I took that picture at the beach. He looked so good that day and I decided to take the picture with our Polaroid camera. My heart sank as I stared at the picture. He was laying on a beach mat, wearing only his beach shorts and sunglasses, grinning. I stared so hard at that picture I didn't realize when my face was wet with tears.

"You are here because he would have loved it. You are here because Brian would have been extremely disappointed if you weren't. You are here because despite what you did, we still consider you as part of this family!" He said sternly.

I looked up at him, his eyes were filled with pain; so much pain, and right there and then, I realized that I made a huge mistake.

When we all received the news regarding Brian's death, we always checked on each other, at least once a week, to remind each other that we were always available. However, I stopped. I just didn't care anymore. It got worse after that fight with Anna. I stopped talking to them totally, which was why I was so shocked when I received the invitation.

"I...I'm so sorry." I choked on my words. Kenneth scoffed and walked back to his seat. I looked at all of them "I am extremely sorry. I am". I said aggressively cleaning my tears because it was so embarrassing.

I was still standing, all eyes were on me.

The room was silent.

There was nothing else to say, I just wanted to leave at that point. I looked at Brian's picture one last time and then looked at Anna who still had her head down.

"I guess this is my cue". I paused. "Goodbye, and goodnight". I concluded and walked out of the house, hiding my face from Musa as I walked out of the house and into my car.

As I closed my car door, I pondered on the words that Kenneth and Brian's mother said to me, and tears fell down my cheeks.

I lost them, every single one of them.

And the worst of it all, I lost my best friend.

I banged on the steering wheel.

I lost the only family that cared about me, which was entirely my fault.

What the hell is wrong with me?????

I banged on the wheel again, this time, my car honked which jolted me. My phone buzzed on my lap which caused me to jerk, I received a message from the airport, and I turned off my phone and threw it on the passenger's seat.

I needed a distraction, I needed something to take my mind off what I went through at Brian's place. The unsolicited intervention, the anger in their eyes, and the disappointment in their faces were all too overwhelming.

I turned on the car engine and drove off to the only place that gave me solace and peace - the beach.

***

I arrived at the beach and met the closed sign. I honestly did not care, I parked close to a coconut tree, grabbed my bottle of vodka, and got out of the car. I started taking full gulps of the alcohol as I strolled aimlessly with tears in my eyes.

I was slowly losing myself, I had no one to turn to. My mum and I have not been talking that much recently so basically, I was all alone.

Life sucks. I said to myself, I also suck. Maybe I deserved this, I deserved all that was said to me at dinner. I deserved it.

I started feeling tipsy so I sat down on the sand and downed the remnants of the bottle before lying down on my back and staring at the skies.

My eyes welled up with tears as I stared at the stars.

"I miss you so much Brian, more than you ever know. I miss you every day, I miss you so so much." I said.

I turned over to my side, grabbed a fist full of sand, and threw it across the beach as I cried out loud. I buried my head into my palms, wailing.

When is this going to get better? When am I going to get better???

I asked myself countless times. Then I felt a drop of water on my shoulder.

Oh shit. It is about to rain.

Unfortunately, I did not think fast, it started raining heavily. I did not know what to do at that moment but the rain was dealing with me seriously. I slowly got my tipsy self up and sighed. I was far from my car. I looked around me and saw a bar not far from where I stood and began to stagger towards there.