Five: The Call of The Muse

Grace was much less warm the next morning. Other than a clipped ‘good morning’ as she unceremoniously dumped a plate of scrambled eggs and toast in front of me, she was quiet the whole time. It was a welcome relief from the painful conversations she’d tried to force between us yesterday even though it made me feel slightly guilty. I didn’t enjoy being mean and hurting people for the fun of it but I’d meant everything I said yesterday. I was angry and I had every right to be. Didn’t I? Sad, painful memories came up of all the times in the past fourteen years I’d really needed her to be there. Birthday’s where my dad (high as a kite already) mostly forgot, little league games and school plays where no one ever showed up for me. I’d always been the only adult in my own life, tending to my own wounds and teaching myself things so I could keep up with everyone around me. Did she think she’d just show up and all of those things would go away? Did she understand how many miserable moments I’d had because I practically raised myself? Waking up every morning wondering if this was the day the landlord was going to kick me out? The times where my dad would leave me completely alone for days as little as six fucking years old? All of them through my head a rush of angry tears gather in my eyes. I kept my gaze low and played with the food as my guilt disappeared behind a wave of rage. Yeah. I didn’t feel sorry for her and in six months when I turn eighteen, I’ll buy the first ticket outta here and go as far away from her as possible. Just like she’d done to me. Six months was a long time from now though and I can barely stand to look at her already. Deciding to make myself scarce, I stand up and lift my book bag from the back of my chair. It wasn’t time for the bus yet but my school wasn’t far and I didn’t mind the twenty minute walk.

“Where are you─”

“School.”

“What about your foo─”

“Not hungry.” I gritted out with my back to her while stalking towards the kitchen door. I heard a frustrated sound followed by a thump, but I didn’t turn to look. I don’t give a fuck how she feels about all this. My number one priority is and will always be me. I had to learn that the hard way. Once I’m outside and a few feet from the house, I breathe much easier. Was this how the next six months here were going to be? Filled with anger and snarky words and terse silences? I felt a flutter of panic rise and I tried to squash it. I would be fine. Just stay out as much as possible and hang in my room whenever I was back there.

Decision made, I started the slightly long trek to school hoping to run into the bus somewhere on my way. By the time I walked the first block, I started to regret not waiting. I didn’t mind the walk but I didn’t wanna show up to school sweating and shit. I sighed and resigned myself to it. A familiar red Jeep Wrangler pulled to a slow drive besides me.

“Hey pretty nigga. Where you going?”

I glance sideways at Tommie’s face sticking out of her car window and roll my eyes but my insides did a little jiggle at the prospect of a ride. “Where do you think?” I snark instead and she smirks. “As it happens, I’m coincidentally heading that way. Hop in?”

I come to a stop and pretended to consider. “Well. Since you asked so nicely.” I turn around to the passenger seat and she leaned over to push the door open for me last minute. Future’s voice immediately hit me from the speakers. Of course this nigga was into his shit. After I settled in, Tommie pulled off again.

“So do you live around here? Or have you resorted to stalking me now that you know where I live?”

She laughed. “Maybe it’s a lil bit of both? I’m two lines away but I did take this route hoping to catch a glimpse of you. That okay?”

I shrugged. “Got me a free ride didn’t it?” I take a look around the interior admiring the car again. “Speaking of rides, these some fire ass wheels man. Are your parents rappers or some shit?”

Some shit would be drug dealers and I swear I was gonna cut her the hell off if I got one whiff she was in that sort of thing. After my run in with my first gang-banger, I wasn’t willing to put up with another one. Cute or otherwise. Anyone that chose that kinda life was just stupid as shit and I so wasn’t fucking with that. The color of her car and clothes yesterday had made me suspicious as hell when I got home and thought about it, but she was wearing a dark pink shirt today. Could gang bangers wear other colors? Shit. I didn’t fucking know since I’d never been in one of those.

“Nah. They outta the picture. My sis put me on this baby.” She patted the horn and looked at me then grinned at my suspicious stare. “Don’t worry. It’s not what you thinking. She on some legit hustle. I promise.”

I’m not convinced but I’m not about to argue with her since I don’t really know shit around here yet. “I was tryna be on my best behavior yesterday so I didn’t wanna ask, but um…”

I braced determined to jump the hell out of the moving car if she said something stupid─

“...What happened to your eyes? It’s fading but it was bruised up bad yesterday.”

Um… Well I hadn’t expected that and now I had to think of a lie cause I didn’t want to tell her I got beat up. Shit. She probably thought that was what happened anyways.

“It was just an accident. I hit something.”

“For reals?”

“Yeah. I know what you’re thinking okay? And it’s not that.” I say unconsciously mirroring her earlier statement about her sister and she gave me a look before turning back to the road. Well shit. She probably thought I was being petty or some shit now. I sighed. “I got into a fight with someone okay? More of an ambush than a fight but you get the point.” I muttered and was unprepared to have her park the car immediately and turn to me. Her eyes were angry enough to have me backing away. What the hell?

“Who hit you?”

“What?”

“Tell me the niggas that jumped you. I’ll straighten em out.”

“Uh… no thanks but I’m.”

“Just tell me. You don’t know this neighborhood like I do. Some beefs never just die down. I wanna at least make sure nobody’s holding a grudge on ya.”

I eye her again. “And just how would you know how to help with a gang banger? I thought you said you was legit.”

“I am. And I can still help so will you let me or are you gon’ keep being a bitch about it.”

I muttered something uncomplementary under my breath.

“Okay. Someone told me her name is Tracey Monty or some shit like that. My head was fuzzy from the beat down but it’s kinda similar.”

If I hadn’t been looking directly into Tommie’s face, I would have missed the look of shock that flashed across her features. It was there, bright in her eyes and expression and then just when I noticed it, it disappeared and she was once again neutral. I pause on giving her any more details.

“You know her?”

Tommie clears her throat and leans into her seat before pulling back on the road. “I mean, sort of. Yeah. I live here after all. I just didn’t expect─What did you do to her?”

My jaw dropped. “Nig─What? I didn’t do shit! I was literally just standing there and she came for my ass with her raggedy ass crew. The fuck?”

“Sorry man. I just─ Tracey sort of high outta my reach. Just forget I said anything.” I was starting to worry. “Is she gon’ keep coming for me?”

Tommie shrugged and I got the sense she was trying to look casual. Shit had I pissed off the head gangster or some shit? Were women even allowed to be that? What the fuck was going on here?

“Look. Just don’t do whatever it is you did the first time again alright? You gon’ be fine.”

We arrived at school and Tommie almost ran after we left the car. Damn. Why she offer to help me if she was gonna be a little pussy about it? My opinion of her dropped watching her go. I zone out through my classes and keep making sketches of random stuff. A lot of them however were of those stud that saved me at the park the other day. I don’t know why I kept drawing her. Her full mouth, her broad nose, those amazing eyes I couldn’t ever hope to capture properly with just lead ink and paper. Some part of me was afraid that I’d forget her face soon. Memories fade over time and the longer it took me to see her, the more the details would erode so I tried to draw them as accurately as possible. Many times. By lunch, I had two other half finished potraits and an single illustration of her eyes. I’d fucked up the shading in the pupils but that almond shape was just it. Her lashes were so long.

I wanted to ask around about her but I figured I wasn’t that desperate. If she wanted me to fucking know her then she’d have left me with a number or at least a fucking name. I mean who the hell flirts with someone like that and then just disappeared. The fucking audacity of niggas!

Tommie shows up again at lunch and she’s back to her normal cocky self. I wonder what the earlier drama was about but I was much to busy brooding over skater stud to bother. I spend that thirty minutes eating with her and her friends.

The rest of the week plays out in much the same way. I’d taken to riding with Tommie to school. I still wasn’t sure about her, but she kept assuring me she wasn’t in a gang and I could ask anyone I wanted. Other than that and her usual assholish moments, she was actually pretty cool. She liked a whole lot of trap but she did RnB and classic raps like I did too. Plus she and her friends were funny as fuck. Other than talking to them and occasionally paying some attention in class, the only other thing I did was perfect my drawing. No matter how I tried I couldn’t just leave it alone. Something always seem to need a little more adjustment and then I’d given in to the temptation of thinking of what she’d look like grinning. Or having an orgasm. My stomach clenched and I stare at my latest creation of Skater Stud. It was looking less and less like her like I’d predicted. Her hair wasn’t that high was it? And her chin was her chin that pointed? I ran a hand over my face and let out a sigh of frustration.

What was it about her that I found so intriguing? Was it that natural confidence and complete self assurance she walked around with? Or the sheer casualness with which she revealed her intentions towards me as if she didn’t care that it was a tad unusual. I’d always thought of myself a hunter when it came to women. I usually did the choosing and chasing and I’m pretty good at it. Skater Stud had completely thrown that out the window once we’d met. She walked up to me and instantly let me know that I was prey when it came to her. Even Tommie with all her egotistical comments hadn’t made me feel that way. She’s obviously stunting to impress me with the alpha dog shit. But I have a feeling Skater’s stud’s the real deal and the thought thrills me even as it scares me. Fuck I needed to find her. I couldn’t spend the weekend in my house obsessing over her and with the way I’ve been acting all week, I know that’s exactly what will happen. Some part of me smirks at the thought of chasing a bitch again but somehow, I know its not the case here. No. She’d gotten my attention and now she wanted me to come look for her like a curious little kitten. Or she just hit on you and disappeared like a regular nigga. Damn. I don’t know why I’m over thinking this. I get up from my seat the moment the bell rung and headed to cafeteria for Friday’s lunch. Distracted by thoughts of my elusive skater stud, I don’t pay as much attention to Tommie as usual and after she caught me zoning out for the third time, she got pissed off and left. I consider going after her but fuck that. I’m not going to run soothing her ego. If she wanted to be a baby then let her.

Elle and Jada didn’t talk much after Tommie left and just as I stood up, an idea came to me.

Maybe I should ask them? Would they know her? Fuck. I didn’t want to ask Aisha yet. We haven’t really been talking since her bedroom so blurting that outta the blue would look weird. I swallowed my pride since I didn’t have any other choice. I know sure as hell that Tommie won’t help me with this.

“Hey… can I ask y’all something?” God this was going to be embarrasing. I could already feel my cheeks reddening.

Elle and Jada looked at each other and Jada raised a brow at me. “Yeah, wassup?” She said. I’d always found that eye brow thing hot as hell when women did it, especially since I couldn’t. The action now made my blush deepen. “Um… I was wondering if you knew this person?”

Heart beating wildly, I opened my note book to my first drawing of Skater stud and tried to see it through their eyes. I’d captured as much of her as I could recall. From the conrows to the little smirk on her face as she’d looked at me for the first time. Moments before she’d toppled my locs out of their bun.

“Her eyes aren’t like that though. They’re more hazel-green. And I think her nose’s kinda smaller.” I murmur without looking at them.

The Call of A Muse

They stared at the picture for a moment then looked at each other again. Elle gave me a strange look. I regretted asking them. I started to drag my book back when Jada spoke. “Where you know her from?”

I feigned a casual shrug. “I just saw her around. She got a pretty interesting face and I… uh… wanna see if I can finish the drawing.”

“So you some kinda artist?” Elle spoke for the first time in a flat voice that made me uncomfortable. Uh, I wasn’t. I could draw but it really wasn’t more than a hobby I’d developed in too many hours of detention at my old school. Still, we could go with that right?

“Yeah. Sort of. Do you know her?” I looked from one to the other and they stared at the pic again before Elle sat back. “Nah. If you want you can draw me though.” She grinned at me and Jada rolled her eyes before nudging her in the elbow.

“Oh ignore this fucker. But we really don’t know who yo girl is.”

Disappointed, I closed the book.

“Okay, thanks.”

I was going to have to ask Aisha then because one way or another, I thought recalling those green eyes for the thousandth time, I was going to find her.