chapter 4

THE TOMORROW, I will feel nothing but compassion. I regret that I agreed to sister Cray's plans.

I know from the beginning that what he wanted to happen was wrong but what did I do?

I agreed.

I agreed with the thought, his satisfaction will be the replacement. I agreed because I love my sister very much and I don't want to see her suffer, especially since she doesn't have the ability to get pregnant so she depends on me.

But when it came to the point where I saw Tredore holding back and controlling himself, I suddenly realized. Someone suffered because of sister's plan.

I thought everything would be easy but it wasn't...

When I saw how he stopped himself from even touching me, he made my chest tighten.

I do not know...

I don't know what emotions I felt during those moments.

I can not explain...

But I'm sure it felt like my chest was tearing apart when I saw him suffering because of the drug he was given.

I feel so guilty because of what happened. I feel very guilty of Sir Tredore for what I have done.

So after that the decision was formed in my mind. I will never allow us to have any more connection. Even if we meet on the road, I will not allow it.

"Madam! It's breakfast!" I heard our maid scream outside my room.

"Yes! I'll be next!" I answered back.

Even though I just wanted to lie in bed, I forced myself to get up. I also need to talk to Daddy.

"Good morning, Dad!" I greeted when I reached the dining area.

He dropped the newspaper he was holding and smiled at me.

"Good morning, hon," he greeted sweetly.

I sat on the right side of the dining table and we started eating. Only the clinking of spoons and forks could be heard in the dining area.

When I had enough strength I sighed deeply before speaking.

"Dad..." I called him.

He immediately took a table napkin and wiped his mouth before focusing his attention on me.

"Yes, hon? Need anything?" he asked gently.

I shook my head.

"What is it?" he asked more.

I let out another deep sigh before speaking with all my courage.

"About my substitute teacher—"

"What did he do to you? Tell me, hon! Did he do anything to you? What about him?!" he asked one after the other and there was concern in his voice.

"Dad, it's not what you think," I calmed him down.

He took a deep breath as if to calm himself down.

"What is it, then?" he asked calmly.

"Can you please, when Sir Grenesa is not around, don't let someone else teach me?" I asked gently.

His left eyebrow rose. "Why? Did your substitute teacher do something to you?"

I immediately shook my head. "No, Dad. It's just that... I'm more used to Sir Grenesa's way of teaching. I change when someone else teaches."

I just hope he will bite my excuse. This is the first step to prevent Sir Tredore and I from crossing paths again. I can assure you that if Sir Grenesa is not there, he will re-refer Sir Tredore as his substitute teacher.

"Is that so?" Daddy's sad behavior. I secretly smiled. "Alright. I'll tell Mr. Gresena about it."

I smiled. "Thank you, Dad."

I secretly sighed when I got him to agree. I'm about to lose touch with Sir Tredore. It's better that I cut everything out than make everything more complicated.

Aunt Cray cannot know what happened to Sir Tredore and me the other day in the study room. That was wrong and that was a betrayal of Ate.

My chest tightened because of that.

What am I feeling again?

I made the right decision, right?

It's better to detach myself with Tredore immediately. I won't let the situation make it more complicated. Because in the end, I know I will come out guilty.

I just couldn't accept to myself that I did that thing behind my sister's back. I don't want to lose Cray's trust on me, that's why it should be better if she didn't know that I have more connection with Tredore other than what she has planned.

I'll just distance myself. I'll be the one to adjust so that everything doesn't get messy. I'm not new to being alone. I'm very used to it so it won't be a problem. I don't want everything to be complicated.

"Zreinessa." I blinked when I heard Sir Gresena's voice. "Are you listening? I mean, are you okay?"

Sir Grenesa and I had a class session but my mind was wandering everywhere.

I heaved a deep sigh. "I'm sorry."

"I can dismiss you already if you want, Zreinessa." Sir Grenesa smiled. "You seem so problematic, though."

"Is that obvious, Sir?" I asked laughing.

Is it that obvious that I'm in trouble?

Do I look like a burden to the whole world?

Sir Gresena chuckled. "You only sighed a few times. You're spacing out, too. I already called you thrice."

I sighed. "I'm sorry, Sir. My mind was just bombarded with so many thoughts. I don't know what to think about first."

Sir took his chair and brought it in front of my table. Earlier he was standing in front of the white board while discussing with me.

"What are you thinking? Maybe I can help?" he asked gently.

I smiled as I shook my head politely. "I can handle myself, Sir. I still can."

I can handle it for myself.

I can do and endure what I think should be done in the situation I am faced with.

"Is that love life?" There was teasing in Sir's tone.

I chuckled. "Does it look like I have time for love life, Sir?"

So I feel good about Sir Gresena because he also speaks gently. He could give advice if you're facing any problems. He makes you feel that he is ready to listen and give advice when needed. Well, I just don't know from others if he really behaves like this. I'm his student. Maybe, he was just concerned with me as his student, right?

Sir Gresena reclined on his chair. "I can't directly tell that. But I know, don't I? It's really surprising that people you know have love lives."

"I don't have time for that love life, Sir," I said.

"Don't give up on the finished word, Zreinessa. We can't tell what fate has in store for us." He smiled. His dimples kept appearing.

"Why you, Sir? Do you have a love life?" I'm curious.

Just now Sir Gresena and I were able to talk like this again. It's just funny because somehow the problems are diverted from my mind.

"I guess?" Sir Gresena also answered questioningly.

"I guess, Sir, there is!" I exclaimed and giggled.

Sir Grenesa shook his head but had a smile on his lips.

"Not yet," he replied.

I leaned back in my chair. I crossed my arms over my chest as I raised an eyebrow at him. "Weh? I don't believe it, Sir!"

"And why?" he asked back.

"You're handsome, Sir. Kind. Smart. It looks like you're doing a good job because you're wearing fancy clothes. What else? It's okay, Sir! It's impossible that you don't have a love life in that situation, eh!" I said long.

He shook his head. "Love life is not rushed. It's right there, Zreinessa. Just wait for the perfect time. When it comes? Eh, you're not welcome right away!"

We both laughed at what he said. I am very grateful because I became close to Sir Gresena. Even though I'm just his student, he doesn't make us feel the distance. He even told me then, that we can join forces, which I still refused because he is several years apart from me. About six years?

When the class session ended, I quietly went to the room to rest. But it also doesn't help that I have no one to talk to because everything in my mind comes back to me.

"Zrei?" I got up from lying down when I heard Aunt Cray's voice.

"Sister..." I called.

He smiled before finally entering my room. He also closed the door and then he came to me. He sat on the bed, next to me.

"I just want to thank you for doing my favor," she said as a wide smile plastered on her face.

It was as if my heart stopped beating because of that. What else I really want to forget, that's what's really coming, what?

"It's not there, Ate," I answered and smiled at her.

He never asked why I came home first after what happened and I couldn't wait for him. I didn't even text him because of the overflowing emotions I was feeling.

"It won't be long, I'm sure it will." He caressed my stomach and I saw the hope in his eyes.

"Yes, Sister. You and Tredore are going to have a baby." I tried not to cry while saying those things.

My heart was clenching so bad. It's just painful to think that he won't really be mine and that the baby that may be born will never be mine.

But why am I acting this way?

I agreed, didn't I?

"Yes, Zrei. My dream will come true," said sister smiling.

I don't want that smile of hers to vanish. I just want my sister to be happy even though I'm gone. All my life I have been deprived of being happy.

I want her to be happy, even though it will hurt me in exchange.