Chapter 8: We all struggle

Ibadan, August 2014.

Pamela.

"Bebe, bebe, baby, I missh you so bad Liz" I was pouting and deliberately slurring my words to look cute. I called her to tell her about seeing her patient and how he was surprisingly rich and still as annoying as ever.

" I miss you too darling I'll call you tomorrow Ok?" She replied. Her voice was soothing; I wasn’t sure if it was because of her profession. Yesterday, she sent me a text that she was going to start attending counselling since she had started cutting again. Liz makes cuts on her body, saying the physical pain relieved the pain deep inside. It scares me every time she’s in that dark place. The inner parts of her thigh were filled with random scars.

Liz and I hit it off well. When Shayo, my sister died, I was angry at her for so long. Shayo had it easy; the banging body, our parents love, boys at her beck and call yet she had to throw it all away on drugs and those riffraff kinds she kept falling in love with. She was coming home from a party, when her drunk boyfriend drove off the road, falling off a bridge. I was in my freshman year of college then. She was a straight A student. Unlike me, she could party hard, not study so much and still pass. I was called to UCLA to identify her body. Shayo's face was so bloated I couldn’t recognize her. Death by drowning was a horrible way to die.

For weeks I did not shed a tear. Why mourn someone who threw their life away at every turn? After her death, I went back to Ibadan from college for a while and I couldn’t understand why my parents mourned her deeply. It was like the apple of their eyes was gone even though Shayo chose to be irresponsible. On my end, I couldn't get the picture of her lying on that gurney out of my head. I drove myself into studying and going the other path until I met Liz.

She looked at me one day after I had been so rude on a queue and said "Drop the act and stop being so strong. Your eyes are clouded with hurt; it is making you bulldoze through life." She did it so calmly that I staggered out of that shop and finally felt my heart consumed with grief. Nothing could fill her space in my life. Liz followed me outside and invited me to her car where all I did was cry while she held me. I think she saw the pain I buried deep down, because she hid hers so well.

She sat as I explained how she looked when I went to the mortuary, how horrible I felt always having to lie to my parents on her behalf, how Shayo will always tease me saying, "Lighten up baby, the light of your life is here", flipping her hair back like she was Godzilla.

I miss her so bad, even today after meeting that cold hearted, perverted prick. All I wanted was for her to breeze in and say something crazy. The thing with loss is, it gets lighter down the road but the pain never truly leaves. Shayo and Deji were close, almost like they were twins who were born 6 years apart. He took it hard when she passed.

Dr. Andrews’ driver finally dropped me in front of my house. It was almost dark when we got back from the impromptu shareholders meeting. The Lagos to Ibadan expressway traffic was no joke. I was so tired and hungry. I was waving the driver good night when I saw a shadow trying to creep over the fence.

I sneaked up on him and quickly held up my pepper spray. I've been mugged twice in the States and I hate the feeling of helplessness, I wonder why people thought there was no crime over there and that it was all a bed of roses.

The recipient of my attack let out loud strings and wails "Haaaa! Yeeh! Yeepa! My eyes o! Egbami (save me) o" he turned to face me and it was Deji's screech that was piercing the quiet night, the pepper spray adequately doing its job.

Oh wow! I wasn't aware we had flying fence abilities now.

"Bro what is it?" I saw Tito running to him after also jumping over the fence. You know that good for nothing relation that all families have? Tito was ours. He is my age mate at 24. He was in 200level after been suspended twice and even expelled in UNILAG. I heard he was in a private university now.

"Ha Temitope, you are back from school" Tito was high now, likely on the local weed called Igbo or some mixture of sorts.

"No o, you are seeing my ghost presently. Enter the house both of you," I let out a hiss making sure to drag out the hiss as long as I could to show my displeasure. It was an innate Nigerian thing.

" I need water to wash my face" Deji whimpered.

I got him water to wash his face when we entered the living room and he was beginning to feel relieved. " Oladeji ni bo lon lo (where were you going)?" I inquired angrily in Yoruba.

"Ehm, I was just going somewhere with bro Tito o. He said he needed help" Deji wiped his face with the edge of his clothes and I felt like slapping the lie out of his mouth.

"Help at past 12 in the morning, I look like an ode(fool) abi? Or you think I’m acting Chinese film? You think you can make up a ridiculous lie and I'll swallow it because you must have fried all the water in your brain!" I shouted.

"Chillax sis, we were going for a smoke" Tito finally broke in.

God punish you there! Who is your sis?

"Holdup! I'm not your sis, and you are already in the high realm if not you will know that opening your gutter-like buccal cavity to speak to me when I wasn't speaking to you is a foolish idea.” I wagged my hands in his face as I spoke.

At this time, we were loud enough to have woken our parents so they joined us in the living room. "Deji and Tope kilon shele nibi (what’s happening here?)" my dad said groggily.

"Emi ti bounce o. Deji deal with your holy-holy people" Tito still had the guts to spit out.

"Ogbeni (mister man) hold on" I dragged him back by his shirt "You walked into my court, Tito you want to play foul with your life? Sure you can, but you leave my baby brother the hell out of it!!” I shouted "Get out" This time I shoved him and he stumbled.

" Mary Amaka, what's jonzing your ass na?" He replied. His answer was me slamming the door shut in his face. I turned to face Deji. It is time to tell him the cold hard truth.

"Shebi, you want to die like sister Shayo too? High until you go and drop off a bridge abi? Or you just want to overdose and run mad? Or be useless to your family and generation? Oga, biko continue. Even mad man know say rain dey fall. Igbo(weed) is small, let me get you heroin or cocaine the mother of them all, so that you can overdose and meet your end quickly. We can grieve over you and continue living." I hissed then continued, "But I'm not coming to the mortuary to identify your black ass, maybe your cuddling mother will do that this time."

Deji and my mom were crying now, while my father looked forlorn. I just hissed and walked up to my room. Life was a bitch and I just served him his share, he could either deal or bounce.