Chapter 6: Drowning

LAGOS, NIGERIA.

OCTOBER 2018.

"I can't just prescribe sleeping drugs to you Chris. You have to give me something, anything" Moses motioned with his hands in the air for emphasis. "You haven't been here for counselling a little over two years and all of a sudden, here you are; the light in your eyes, gone and you want prescription? You of all people should know that it doesn’t work like that"

Dr. Moses Ejeh has been Christopher's therapist since he moved to Lagos some years ago. He felt they were making progress ever since Chris got married and had two beautiful children whom he loved more than life itself. Life was on track before he ruined it like every other good thing. Not like he was going to openly tell him that though. A puckered frown sat on Moses’ face. His concern for this man who had gone through so much was palpable, so evident in his gaze as he looked into the empty and desolate eyes of his patient; eyes that had just gotten back their sparkle. He thought… He knew they were making progress; thought they were past the pills stage. "Speak to me man, help me help you." Moses entreated gently.

Chris’ head was pounding, his eyes ached from lack of sleep. Most importantly, his heart hurt. The events of the evening of the previous day flooded back in:

Like every other day since the whistleblower incident, Chris and his team were busy. He had known that he wouldn’t make it home early enough for dinner and he made to call Pamela to inform her he'll be back late. Then his phone rang. It was her laugh; he had recorded it on one of their dates. The ringtone was specially hers.

"Temi" he let out gently and allowed the usual peace and tranquility her voice and presence brought, wash over him.

"Come home now!" she ordered. Maybe it was the urgency in her voice or the fear that made him pack up and drive like a madman home. Throughout the short drive, all he could think about were worst case scenarios and for someone with an active imagination, the usual 'what ifs' flooded his every thought.

The car was barely parked in its spot when he jumped out "Mine! Mine! Temi!” he shouted. He looked ridiculous and frantic but he was truly scared and for someone who doesn't scare so easily, it was a sight to see.

"In here" her voice came through and her words balanced his world again. All that he was, revolved around the three of them; his family. In his hurry, he didn’t notice the white Lexus SUV in the compound or the strange exotic perfume that hit his nose as he walked in.

Pamela was in blue yoga pants and a stretchy black top. His eyes fixed on her when he saw her but unlike him, her eyes were fixed on a different person sitting comfortably on the couch. "Is that true?” She asked pointing to a very pregnant Nina.

It was then his world truly came crashing down. The full meaning of the popular saying " You can run but you can't hide" suddenly started to make sense. One stupid night he tried hard to bury yet here Nina was, pregnant.

"Answer me!" Pamela yelled, throwing the glass cup he hadn’t noticed she held in her hand against the wall. The sound of the shattered cup could be similar to her heart right now. It scattered into tiny pieces and shards.

Chris really wanted to say No, after all, he couldn't really remember the events of that night but he was certain they had had sex and it didn’t take only one party’s efforts in making a baby so instead he said "I don’t know". It was so low. It was more like a whisper. Pamela didn't need verbal confirmation anyway; the answer was sitting in his honey brown eyes.

Guilt. His eyes were shining with guilt. She could see it as her eyes bounced between his; looking, searching for something, anything that would tell her this was a badly thought out prank. Chris had always said she was strong, that she could take on anything. This didn't fall into that category! She screamed in her head but was seemingly physically silent.

Pamela, however still needed to hear him say it. Her eyes could be playing a major trick on her, the type where she convinced herself she could read the emotions in his eyes but she gets it wrong even if she has been married to this man for three years and counting. "What do you mean by you don't know? I’m going insane Ayo, please don't toy with me" her voice was shaking now and her eyes were begging him.

"OK, let me rephrase." This time she wrapped her arms around herself "Did you touch her? I mean…" she stammered, confused "…did you have sex with her?"

She was staring straight at him and for the very first time, those orbs of hers; eyes so large and innocent he couldn't bear to look at, for fear of what he knew he would see. Pain, anger, betrayal, hatred stared back at Chris when he finally put together the fragments of courage he had left. "Yes," one word that broke it all.

Pamela said nothing, she just squatted on the back of her legs.

On the couch, Nina looked disinterested in their drama, a small smile of triumph quirked up the corners of her lips. Pamela's gaze was empty, nothing was in it. Her eyes glassy with tears that did not dare fall, she looked straight ahead seeing nothing.

He wanted her to shout or throw things at him, to be angry, call him a bastard or a cheat. After all he was becoming his worst fear; being exactly like DADDY.

She finally got up from her crouched position and walked towards the drawer near the door. Pamela wobbled on her feet and he reached out to her to keep her steady but she jumped away from his touch almost like she was disgusted by it. He knew, at this moment he did disgust her. Hell! He was disgusted at himself.

Car keys in hand, she walked out and Chris followed her, trying to stop her from driving in that state until he heard Ella; their beautiful girl crying. “Mummy, mummy" she cried rubbing her eyes with her chubby palms.

Pamela didn't wait for one second, she didn't want her baby to see her in tears.

Chris quickly carried Ella back in, he was going to pacify her and go straight after the love of his life until he realized the cause of all their problems was sitting right there.

"Get out!" Chris said.

Fake sadness in place, Nina rubbed her swollen stomach. "Chris, I have been trying to get in touch with you, you won't pick up my calls nor will you return any” she placed her lips in a pout.

"Whatever you have to say will have to wait for now. I need you to get out of my house or I will throw the both of you out" At first, she couldn’t believe he was using this tone with her until she saw his red rimmed eyes. She almost felt bad for causing him so much pain but if he had just loved her the way she wanted. If only he had chosen her, he wouldn’t be in this position.

It was at this point, Chris remembered clearly her soft voice when she begged him never to do this to her:

"Promise me you won't do this to me too, please promise me. I can't bear it again, that feeling of uselessness and unworthiness, never being enough for someone"

" I won't, my joy. How can I have you and break something as precious as this? Who throws away raw gold?" He had smiled when he said this, filled with confidence in his ability to be a faithful partner.

Chris vowed not to, yet he broke her willingly. Daniel; Ella's twin was out now and all this was confusing for the two-year-old.

"Daddy, where is mummy?" their boy asked, scared and confused. It just occurred to him that he let her go in that state, driving to God knows where, alone and hurting. The worst kind of fear gripped him by the balls.

After replaying the events of last night, he solemnly said "I'm drowning again Moses, just like the time after Christina’s death and I’m scared that these broken pieces of me will never be whole if she doesn't come back or if something bad happens to her."

It suddenly made sense to Moses.