CHAPTER 1

4 YEARS LATER . . .

Saturday morning— the first time I'd stepped out in weeks. I watch the house help, Ayla, throw out some of my things.

"Here," I say, handing her my walking stick. I was done with it. I felt like an invalid, depressed and useless, having had to walk with that the past two years. Ayla looks at me unsure.

It'd been a living hell on earth, a nightmare. Even though I wanted to recover as quickly as possible, I couldn't because I had no motivation to do so. Louis was the only thing I had left in the world, but having Lucas by our side, by my side, would've been so much more helpful. Louis was growing up well. It looked and felt like he didn't need me. I would watch him from the corner, happy and smiling. I wanted to be the one putting a smile on his face, but I wasn't.

A ball comes rolling and I stop it with my leg. I bend to pick it up.

"Mommy!" I look up, as I hear my son call out to me. He jumps on my body, almost throwing me on the floor. "Woah, prince Louis!" I giggle, as we both fall on the grass.

"Louis!" Ayla panics, trying to get Louis off my body.

"Leave him. I'm not sick, Ayla. Leave my son alone." I tell her.

"She's only looking out for you, Natalie." Rocky says, walking up to us. He picks the ball up, as Louis and I get up.

"Did I hurt you, mommy?"

I nod, fighting back my tears. I laugh, trying to pretend as though I'm okay. I am not. "No, my love." I hug him. "You didn't. You can never hurt me, Louis." I say, and I almost break a sob as I feel him pat my hair. I hold onto him as tightly as I can.

Four years had gone by so slow. It wasn't fast. It was a nightmare. After my accident, I'd lost my child with Alex. Luke was declared dead but I'd still not lost hope— a part of me knew and believed that he was still alive. It was like a prison sentence living as a disabled person. It was hell on earth.

Lydia's husband David, the senator and Daphnia had all been incarcerated, although, Daphnia had somehow managed to prove her innocence and ignorance in the said trafficking ring founded by the trio, Luke, David and the senator. From my understanding, Luke's signatures were found on some documents, linking him as sole owner of the ring. The senator and David were simply accomplices. I knew better though, because Lydia had confirmed that she was indeed, tricked into signing a non disclosure agreement so if she ever found out about the ring, she would be bound by it, unable to whistleblow or speak to anyone about it.

As for Alex, after finding out that I'd been involved in an accident, his mental state had worsened. He thought I'd died and somehow, the news triggered his PTSD. He'd had a serious violent mental breakdown and his family had him locked up, and with help from aunt Ruth who was still grieving the loss of uncle Mark at the time, alongside Eleanor, Alex's mother, Alex and I were able to get a divorce.

Carrington Industries was flourishing. Caleb was running the business, although I knew he was a cunning man. He had gotten married to Kelly and according to the news, they were expecting their second child.

Lydia was out of the country. She had left London a year ago, deciding to travel the world to find happiness and possibly true love. As she wished, we hadn't spoken a word to each other since she left. We'd only communicated with one another through letters. She was doing well. She was in a happy place.

"Let's go in, Louis. Aren't you hungry? You tired me out, winning me like that." Rocky says to my son. Louis giggles. We get up to go inside.

Rocket had been by my side everyday, for the last four years. He would either come early in the morning before heading to his hotel or late at night, to tuck Louis in bed. Most of the time, he would always drop Louis off in school. It was easier because Rocky and I were neighbors. We'd moved out of the manor after my release from the hospital. I'd bought a home in West Brompton and shortly after, Rocky had purchased the house beside mine. At first, it was irking and annoying that he was following me around. After seeing Louis open up to him, I had to let him be. I was crippled and although it pained me seeing another bring happiness to my son, and smiles to his face, I couldn't snatch that from him. He deserved to be happy, with or without me.

We are seated on the dining, Louis on my body. He's standing in between my legs, his hands wrapped around my neck.

"Delores, you know I love your shepherd's pie." I say, as I prepare to dig in. I put Louis on the table, trying to ignore Rocky and avoid having any conversation with him. I begin to feed Louis, although he has a spoon in his hand. My baby was four years already, soon to be five.

Ashley had gone off to college. Sometimes, looking at her, I would feel jealousy creep into my mind. She reminded me of me. She reminded me of my younger and naive self still in college, before meeting Luke.

"I can make you this too, you know." I hear Rocky say. I look at him. I give a small smile.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Louis?"

"I want to watch cartoons and ice-cream with you in your bedroom, mommy." My baby says. I caress his face. I nod.

"Ayla?" I call out for the help. We had about five helps in the house. The house was huge. Ayla was my favorite one to call, she had brown hair like Ashley.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Blueberry ice-cream, some waffles, crepe and sliced pineapples for me and Louis for movie time, okay?"

"Yay!" Louis rejoices and I giggle.

"Am I invited, Louis? Can I join you and your mommy?"

Louis grabs me and whispers a few words to me. "Shh, mommy, don't let him come, okay? I don't, I don't want to share my ice-cream." Louis says and I can't help but giggle. I nod, agreeing with my son. Of course not. You can't join us. Absolutely not.

"No, uncle Rocket. Mommy said no."

We had watched The Water Babies, fifty times over or more. Louis wasn't tired of it. He was already fast asleep, curling beside me under the thick Persian duvet.

I mute the television and tuck my son in properly. I get up and turn the lights off, as I head to the balcony.

Sitting on the swing couch, my legs still felt funny, but I was getting used to walking normally again. My mind drifts off to the day if found out about Luke. I didn't believe it then, and I still didn't believe it now. Sure, they found a body, and although I'm still confused as to how the test results proved that the body was indeed Luke's. I didn't believe it. Luke was not dead.

I had gone on a punishment spree, starving myself of food after loosing the baby and Luke. I was ready to reconcile. I was ready to build a family with him, I was looking forward to Louis finally meeting his father. It was all so heart aching and odd. Although I couldn't remember, I was certain Lucas followed me in the ambulance as I was rushed to the hospital. Luke would have never left my side for even a moment so it struck me as odd that his body was found a few miles after Hackney.

I hadn't seen the supposed body, and I would never agree to because I had no business seeing the corpse of a burnt & lifeless man who wasn't Luke.

Louis coughs, I pay his back and get up to tuck him in properly. It felt like yesterday, when I was fighting my way to stay alive just to birth him. I remembered touching and holding him for the very first time and immediately feeling immense love for him.

I watch my son sleep for a few more minutes before I leave the bedroom. Walking through the hallway illuminated by my crisscross chandelier, I walk towards the room at the far corner of the hallway. I open it and enter. I lock the door behind me as I stretch my hand to light switch on the wall.

Luke's room. The room was filled with his personal belongings, his clothes, shoes, wristwatches, some of his books and his pictures. I walk to the couch and I pick up one of his tuxedo jackets. I caress it and take in his scent as I sit on the floor.

"I'm trying to be strong, my love." I whisper, as though I'm talking to the jacket. I close my eyes, trying to fight the tears. "It's like my strength disappeared with you, Luke." I begin to sob, remembering the last moment I'd shared with him. I could remember vividly how warm his arms were. The heat, radiating from his body. I could remember how I felt his tears fall on me and how it felt being in his arms.

"I know you're not dead. I know it, so where can you be?"

I'd had a hard time after getting discharged from the hospital. I couldn't eat, my skin became pale, I lost weight and I became somewhat depressed. I would have overdosed, but Louis' bright blue eyes and his blonde hair reminded me each time that I couldn't commit such a heinous crime against my son.

At a point, Aunt Ruth and Rocky tried to feed me with possible explanations for Lucas' disappearance. They suggested that he might have really eloped but with Laurel, since Laurel was nowhere to be found. Ever since she tried to kill me and was declared wanted by the police, she'd gone missing. I wanted to believe it too, but, I knew better. A man who cried over my body would not have run away with Laurel. Luke wanted to meet his son. He wouldn't run away. Deep down, I felt like I did in fact know the reason behind his disappearance but I just couldn't tell what it was or remember.

"I will never stop waiting for you. I know you'll be back and I'll wait for you until the day I die." I clean my tears off my face, somewhat determined to find the man I love. I could finally walk again, I didn't need anyone's help or the need to rely on anyone else.

****

Sunday morning ...

It was Uncle Mark's memorial. Aunt Ruth had invited everyone to the cathedral for a short mass and prayer for her departed husband. In the past four years, I was unable to make it. I could only send my love to her through flowers, but now, I would be there in the flesh.

"Mommy, I'm happy we're going out together today."

Zipping his trousers, I respond, "I'm happy too, my love. You don't how long I've wanted to go out with you like this." I say, holding his chin.

"When I was a baby, did you go out often with me?"

I look at my son, disappointed at my response. "No, Louis." I nod. I continue, "I didn't."

"Why? Was I always with Nana or Nanny Delores?"

He referred to aunt Ruth as Nana. He did not like Judith, in fact, he always ran away from her.

"Mommy was really busy, Louis. You were always with Nana, Nanny Delores, Aunt Lydia and Ashley." I say, getting up. We were almost running late. I'm about to pick my purse when Louis question makes me freeze.

"What about my dad, mom?"

I turn around, shocked. Louis never spoke about his father. He never did, not until today. He gives me his hand. I take it. We stare at each other, but I look away first, feeling uncomfortable.

"Mommy?"

"Hm?" I respond, trying to find the right answer.

"Where's my dad?"

"Louis, you— you're asking. Why are you asking?"

"My new friends dad wanted to say hello to my dad after school. . . I cried, mommy."

As soon as I hear him say those words, tears well up in the corners of my eyes. "You cried? I thought my baby was strong? Aren't you strong like Spider-Man?" I ask him, kneeling to level with him.

He nods, "I am, mommy." He responds, and I drag him in for a hug. The tears roll down my cheek as confusion hits me. Louis was growing and the fact that he'd started to notice his father wasn't around only meant that he was getting a bit matured. He was growing up.