Chapter 3

Life Lessons According to Camryn:

Family trees full of nuts have nothing on me. My family is temperamental.

Half temper, half mental.

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The family home Camryn grew up in was situated in a cul-de-sac in a southeastern area of a Milwaukee suburb. The quaint three bedroom, two story bungalow resembled every other one on the block, the only uniqueness being the color of the vinyl siding. Pale blues, greens, yellows and tans made a systematic pattern to the houses, her parents’ being the latter. It sat a mere thirty feet from the street on a quarter acre lot, just like all the others, and had been erected in the fifties during the economic boom. Forest green shutters framed the one upper and two lower windows. A neat row of evergreen bushes hugged the right side next to a small white porch. Another row of the same hedge lined the driveway separating their yard from the next. Manicured lawns were bright emerald, a testament to decent rainfall this year so far. Mature maples had been precisely planted curbside two decades before between the cracked sidewalks needing repair and the road.

The chirp of robins and the slight undertone of traffic from the freeway a mile away could be heard over the summer breeze, reminding Camryn of her youth. It was the kind of neighborhood kids could ride their bikes without fear or run through sprinklers. Popsicles and laughter. They hadn’t had a lot of money, but they’d had food on the table, a roof over their heads, and friends. Not many of the families had moved since then, thus the afternoon was quiet. All the children had grown and moved away.

She breathed a lungful of humid, warm air and eyed the front door from beside her car in the driveway. It always made her equally nervous and relieved to visit. A sigh, and she followed her sister and niece up the steps, suitcase in hand.

The second Heather unlocked the door, Emily barreled inside, pigtails bouncing. “Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie Cam started a fire at work. And she got an erection!”

Camryn followed and dropped her suitcase at her feet in the living room. She pinched her eyes closed seconds after her eighty-five-year-old Baba spit coffee out of her mouth faster than the recorded speed of light.

Heather rushed over to Baba’s worn, ugly olive-colored recliner and smacked their grandmother on the back to dissolve her coughing fit. “Jeez, Emily. You’re worse than the iPhone spell-check. Auntie Cam didn’t start a fire, she got fired. And it’s not an erection, it’s eviction.”

Their father’s bald head gleamed from the sun shining through the window as he shook his head in shame from the sofa, forgotten newspaper in his lap.

Their mother waddled around the corner from the kitchen, rollers in her hair and a dish towel slung over her shoulder. “You started a fire at work? And what’s this about an erection?”

Camryn made her way to Baba and kissed her cheek. “You okay? Need a heart pill?”

Baba waved her wrinkled, arthritic hand. “Stop fussing. I’m old, not dead. An erection is how I conceived your mom, you know.”

“TMI, Baba.” Heather winced.

“It’s an MRI, you twit! And my hip is fine. The doctor said so last week.”

“No, Baba.” Heather sighed, exasperated. “TMI means too much information.”

“Why did you ask about the results then?”

Welcome home.

Camryn rolled her eyes and sat next to her father on the only thing older than the carpet—the couch. It was a shade lighter than the dark brown shag. According to old family photos, it used to be white.

“Camryn Covic, you answer me,” her mother demanded.

She thought of responding with the first line of “Who’s on First,” but changed her mind. Her family didn’t appreciate the ironic similarities between them and Abbott and Costello.

“I got let go from work on Monday. And my apartment building was sold. I have to move.”

Her mother’s eyes narrowed to slits. Her hands fisted on her hips. Camryn waited for steam to billow out her nostrils and her foot to stomp. Any second now, she’d charge like a mad bull. Too bad the drapes weren’t red. Camryn could tear them down and divert her stampede.

Instead of charging, Mom harrumphed. “What’s that got to do with an erection?”

“Nothing, Mother. Never mind.”

“What did you do to get fired?” This from Dad.

“Budget cuts.”

“Where are you going to live?” Mom’s anger was gone from her face and worry replaced it. Worry was worse than anger.

“She’s not sharing my room,” Baba claimed. “She snores.”

“Mother, please,” Mom said. “Camryn got herself into another mess. It doesn’t matter if she snores or not.”

Another mess? “I don’t snore.”

Baba slapped her hand on her thigh, causing her knee-highs to drop to ankle-lows. “How do you know? You’re asleep.”

Heather, ever the peacemaker and good child, interrupted the melee. “Camryn is staying here until we leave for Colorado. Then she’ll stay with Justin and I until she finds an apartment.” A halo popped over her sister’s head.

“In Milwaukee?” Mom asked. “You’re coming home for good?”

Camryn prayed she’d remembered to pack a Valium. “It was Chicago, Mom. Not a third-world country.”

Her father took a drink of beer. “Could’ve fooled me. Shit-cago, I say. You’re not a Bears fan now, are you? ’Cause you’re not staying here if you are.”

“Never mind that,” Baba interjected. “How is Heather supposed to have marriage sex with this one snoring in the next room?”

Mom covered Emily’s ears. “Don’t listen, sweetie pie.”

Camryn dropped her forehead in her hands. “Too late for that.”

“Wait a minute.” Mom had an epiphany blooming, judging by her tone. “What about your boyfriend? Won’t he miss you in Chicago? He was supposed to escort you to the wedding. Where is he?”

Camryn figured her mom was looking around the room as if Camryn had hidden him somewhere. She was glad her head was still buried in her hands because all the imagination in the world wouldn’t have masked her wince. “About that…”

“He lives in Milwaukee,” Heather said, louder than necessary.

All eyes turned to Heather, including Camryn’s. “Heather,” she warned.

“He’ll be here Thursday night for dinner. He’s still coming to the wedding. Don’t worry.”

Camryn stood, grabbed her sister by the arm, and dragged her into the outdated kitchen. White linoleum had faded to yellow and the oak cabinets had more scars than Rocky after a boxing match. It forever smelled of Lysol and was barely big enough to hold the two of them. “What are you doing? I told you this wasn’t happening.”

Heather had the audacity to look upset. “Cam, if you don’t do this for you, and God knows you should, then do it for me. Look at them.” She pointed in the general direction of the living room. “That’s only three family members. Add in the yjakas and tetakas, and it’ll be a mess. They’re going to embarrass me royally without trying to serve you up on a spinster martyr plate.”

Great. Just great. She was playing the guilt card.

Camryn pictured their yjakas and tetakas—Serbian translation, uncles and aunts—plus the kumas and kumos—godparents—and she could understand Heather’s dismay.

“Troy hasn’t even agreed to this yet.”

And darn it, she was caving.

Heather removed her arm from Camryn’s hold. “He will. You know he will.”

Yeah, he probably would. He was and always has been a people-pleaser.

Camryn sighed. What was one more humiliation in a long line? “Fine, Heather. I’ll talk to Troy. But you owe me.”

“You can have our firstborn,” she joked.

“Oh no. I’ll never hear the end of the single mother shame I bestowed on the family.”

The front door squeaked open and Camryn’s eyes rolled, wondering who else could add to this day. They went around the corner to find her brother, Fisher, and his wife, Anna.

Emily ran up to them and leapt for a big hug. “Auntie Cam started a fire and got an erection. Baba had one for Grandma, too. Auntie Heather can’t have sex with Auntie Cam snoring. Oh, and shit is a bad word. We can’t say it.”

Fisher nearly dropped his daughter. “What the hell?” He looked around the room. “She was only with you for a day!”

Anna smiled, but tried to hide it by pressing her lips together. Emily looked just like her with golden brown curls and massive blue eyes. But, unlike her daughter, Anna knew when to shut her beautiful red mouth.

“Hell’s a bad word, too.”

Right. Camryn picked up her purse from beside the couch. Even facing Troy with the proposal was better than this craziness.

“And I’m leaving. I’ll be back later.” Maybe.