Chapter 1: Awakening

My eyes slowly open and I blink for a few times, trying to process the scene in front of me. That's when I remember where I actually am. Which is weird because in one moment, I really thought I was dying? I felt cold fingers tickling the bottom of my soul, as if pulling me in a certain direction. In all directions. My mind was actually falling apart. I think that's what death feels like. You just.. Disappear.

There's no heaven or hell. It's just black until blackness vanishes too and you see nothing, you feel nothing, you are nothing.

I felt the blackness coming back with the heavy cries of my mother. Which must be a sign that I’m still alive? When I opened my eyes, wondered if I am.

"He's waking up. ", shaky voice whispers. It's my little sister. Nicole.

"Nicky. ", I whisper, followed by a groan. Her big hazel eyes widen a bit more as she stares at me. My lips stay parted after I breathe out her nickname.

"Matthew. Are you okay? ", she slips her hand in mines and holds it tightly. I don't know if I can squeeze it back. I try though. Barely succeed but I think she got it that I don't want her to let go.

"I'm.. I feel weird. "

"Oh my god. Honey.. ", my mom rushes in the room, followed by dad.

Her cheeks are pale and wet, strained by tears. His forehead is crinkled, giving away the amount of stress he is going through.

"Hey. ", I say quietly.

"I'm so glad you are finally up. ", mom begins to sob and hugs me lightly. I wince as the pain shoots from my lower stomach and up to my chest. "I'm sorry! “She quickly apologizes and pulls away, wiping her tears. I give her a small smile.

My eyes wander to a catheter that's passing by my legs and reaching down under my bed. Urinary catheter. I feel like an old man who can't control his piss.

"How did it go? “ I finally dare to ask. My voice sounds drained and the feel in my throat is crispy.

"The surgery went well, son. Tumor is successfully removed from your system. Even though, they said you stopped breathing at some point. The tubes weren't attached well but they fixed them soon. ", my father gives me a sympathetic smile.

"I'm cured? “ I hopefully ask.

How is it possible for it to go this way? Having prostate cancer isn't joke. I was seriously preparing myself to die. I never expect too much, really.

Mom and dad look at each other quickly before glancing away. Nicole keeps holding my hand. She's a very sensitive twelve years old girl.

"What? “ I frown.

"I think your father should talk to you about this... ", mom sighs. "Nicole, let's leave them alone. "

"But I want to be with Matthew. I don't want to leave him here. ", my sister sniffs and wipes her eyes.

"I'm okay, Nicky. Really. ", I smile.

"You promise?”

"I swear.”

With one quick glance at me from the door, Nicole follows mom out of the room. My father pulls a chair closer to the bed I'm lying on and just stares at me.

"Why are you looking at me like that? “ I shiver.

"Because there's no other way I'd look at you right now, Matthew. “He sighs. "Your situation is serious.”

"I'm going to die, right? “ I let out a brief laugh. It's like a sound of exasperation.

"No. Your life will continue normally. You are lucky it was only a late stage of local invasion. Tumor was threatening to spread farther but we discovered and dealt with it on time. I'm really proud of you. You've been really brave and prepared even for the worst... "

"Then what's wrong? “ I gulp.

"You know that prostate is an exocrine gland of the male reproductive system? It's practically a source of sperm. "

"Yeah...”

"In order to keep cancer from spreading, they had to take it out. “He looks down. I blink for a few times, the realization hitting me hard.

"No.. ", I whisper.

"I'm sorry.”

"What does this mean? “ I feel the pressure beginning to build inside of my head. "Dad, tell me.”

I think I know what it means but I just need a negation. Just say something. Anything. Tell me I'm wrong.

"Matthew.. ", dad shakes his head and takes my hand. "It's important that you're alive. This is was a price of your life. It was either this solution or we all lose. It was an only option. "

"But I'm only seventeen. “ I feel the bitterness fill me up until it pours from my eyes. I quietly sob.

"You think I'm not paining? I love you, son. More than anything. I'd rather lose something potential than something I already have. "

I just cry like a little child with dad's hand squeezing mines on the hospital bed.

"I'm sorry I disappointed you. “ I whisper through my tears and he shakes his head.

"Fuck it. You haven't disappointed anyone. "

I did. Myself. What am I going to do know? Who would want a deeply scarred guy that can't have children?

"Does.. Does Natalie know? ", I breathe out and wipe my face.

"We told her. The girl has been worried sick about you. How could you hide this from her? "

"It's not something I'd want to talk about with a girl. “ I press my lips in a thin line.

"She's on her way to the hospital. “Dad tells me. My eyes widen.

"She's what? She can't see me like this. What were you guys thinking? "

In that very moment, a girl with brown wavy hair, brown eyes and frown on her face walks in. She's holding a dark blue bag and wearing a white skirt and flower printed shirt. Once the door is closed, she glances in my direction and I raise my hands to hide my face.

"I'll leave you two alone now. “my father speaks and leaves the room.

"Why didn't you tell me?”

Her voice is low as she approaches me.

"I didn't want to.”

"Didn't want to? I was worried sick! You really thought I wouldn't see the change in you in past two months? Matthew, you began avoiding me and I had no idea why. You having a damn cancer didn't even reach my mind. ", Natalie sits on a chair next to me.

"I'm sorry. Just please go. I look awful and I don't want you to see me like this. "

Her hands grip mines and push them down to my sides. Tears slip down my cheeks.

"I don't want you to be ashamed of me. Ever. I could have been there for you... Why wouldn't you just.. Ugh. ", she shakes her head and bites her lip.

"There's nothing you could do. I'm sorry. "

"Oh my god. Are you.. Are you cured or.. I don't even know the details. ", her eyes are wild and glossy as they stare into mines.

"I am.. Kind of. ", I look away.

"What do you mean kind of?”

"Natalie, I still don't feel good. I feel like throwing up, honestly. This is the worst time in my life. I swear. I am just so weak. ", I whisper.

Not like I was going to tell her about what my dad said to me.

"Please be strong. “ Natalie gives me a small smile and wipes away my tears. Her lips press to my cheek for a brief moment and I close my eyes.

"I brought you fruit. And your favorite book. Plus, ice cream. ", she sniffs and picks up her bag to show me what's inside. A lazy smile spreads over my lips.

"Why are you so adorable?”

"I just care about you. You should have told me about your state. I would never laugh or make fun of you; I would help you with everything I have. I feel like you don't trust me enough. ", Natalie murmurs and pulls out a cup with vanilla ice cream in it and a small spoon.

"I trust you. “ I nod. Never have I ever had a friend like her.

"Just.. Open up. ", she digs the spoon in the ice cream and brings it to my lips. I chuckle and let her feed me with it.

That's when I ask her a simple, yet a meaningful question. Because I want her to be the only one besides me who knows the answer.

"Do you want me to tell you how it feels like to be dead? "