Chapter Eight

“What?”

“Do you not understand what they are, Layla?”

“Of course I fucking know what they are, but there is no way in hell im going Schizo! There’s no fucking way!” I shriek in aggravation.

“Layla, please calm down. There is no official diagnosis for that, but if your symptoms get worse, it’s something we need to keep in mind.”

“You don’t need to keep anything in mind! Matter a fact, get out of my mind! Quit analyzing me! You don’t know anything! Did you go to med school for like half of your life just to be wrong and fucking stupid? You don’t know what I’m dealing with! What I saw was real. Billie is real. Boston was real. These weren’t dreams, this was the real world! Get that through your skull!” I smack the table in anger and quickly book out of the room. My mom caught up with me ten minutes later.

“Sweetie!” She cried after me. “I’m so worried for you! Please, honey, don’t be angry with the doctor. Your cousin has it too, maybe it’s just meant to be.”

“Don’t be worried,” I numbly state. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“But honey, the doctor said—“

“I could care less about what the doctor said!” I shout. “He doesn’t know anything. I’m not sick. This isn’t my imagination, this is like a different realm. I’m going to figure it out. I’m not alone, mom. It’s going to be okay.”

She began to cry more and had to stop at the steps of the hospital to weep.

“Mom why are you crying?” I attempt to console her.

“Do you hear yourself, Layla? It’s eating you up, just like it does to everyone else.”

• * *

It was a long fucking day, I’ll tell you that much. My parents were freaking out about the fact I could be a schizophrenic, and the more I tried to explain that wasn’t it, the more I was proving their point.

After being dolled by my parents, I ran into my room and began throwing a temper tantrum. I knocked some shit off my desks and ripped off an old poster that just seemed to be mocking me. Earlier that day, I wanted to go back to sleep so I could see Billie. However, after hearing that I may just be chemically insane, I didn’t even want to look at my bed. Dreaming meant hallucinations, and that meant my symptoms for this fucking disease were getting worse. I couldn’t have that.

“I’m sorry Billie,” I say to myself. “I’m not going to sleep, not if I can help it.”

And that’s what began my insomnia.

.* * *

You guessed it, my new favorite album was Insomniac by Green Day. It was the only thing that seemed to make sense for what I was going through. It had been two full days without any rest and I felt like I was on the brink of destruction. I was terribly afraid to go to sleep. My parents made me take the rest of the month off of work, they knew I was getting bad.

“Layla, you have to get some sleep,” my father told me at around 3 am in the morning. He could hear my music blasting from my laptop in the dead of the night.

“I can’t dad, you know I can’t,” I tell him.

“Are you scared that you are going to see things again?”

“I’m not scared, I’m terrified. Terrified that I’m going to lose my mind and lose control. I can’t be confused again, I can’t.” My voice stuttered the truth through my exhaustion.

“Maybe we can get you some medication—“

“NO!” I scream. “Meds mean diagnosis for something, and I can’t have that, dad…I can’t have that.”

I would cry every time I realized how fucked up I was. My father could only comfort me for so long before he realized there was nothing he could do, and the best option for him was to go back to sleep.

The worst part about all of this was as much as I didn’t want to sleep and relapse, I couldn’t help but feel like a total failure.

“Promise you won’t forget about me. Fucking promise me Layla! Don’t lose hope! Stay with me Layla! Stay strong! Don’t let anyone tell you I’m not real, not for a second. I’m Here, Layla. I’m real. Have you ever had your dream tried to convince you it wasn’t a dream? No, because it doesn’t work that way! I’m real, don’t forget about me. I can’t do this without you.”

All of these fucking words played on repeat in my mind, especially at night, and they would not stop. Was I going insane? Or was I truly leaving him behind? I didn’t want to hurt Billie. I fucking love Billie. But is he even Billie? Or is he just my shit disease? I hadn’t slept in days…I hadn’t seen him since the last time I slept, maybe he was just my creation. But I couldn’t be sure. I couldn’t be sure until I’d see him again. Was sleeping worth the visions?

I looked up at my bed as if it were some transportation machine. I hadn’t touched it since the afternoon I passed out without my knowing. Tears started flowing again as a response to my contradicting mind. I just wanted everything back to normal again. That’s all I want.

The next morning I woke up and pre gamed for breakfast at the diner with Jas & Sadie with three cups of coffee. Saturday afternoon was the last time I slept, and it was currently Tuesday. I felt like shit, but my parents really encouraged me to get some human interaction.

“Is it that serious?” Sadie interrogated while taking a bite of bacon.

I nodded. “I guess so. Well, not even, but I’ve been taking it like it is. All I was told was that it was possible to have Narcolepsy and/or Schizophrenia, based on what I told them. I’ve only had the visions twice…but it feels like I’m waiting to be sucked into this world that I don’t know much about.”

“I didn’t realize you were that screwed up when you came to us on Saturday,” Jas bluntly expressed.

“Screwed up?” I repeat in disgust. “Who are you to tell me I’m screwed up?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Lay, please, calm down.”

My blood was swelling at an all-time high rate and I felt like I was about to explode at her.

Calm down? CALM DOWN? HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS HIGHER THAN THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING? You never listened to me when I came to you for help. I’m always fucking there for you, always fucking there. The one fucking time I come to you, not only do you ignore the shit out of me, but then you claim I’m screwed up?! Fuck you!

“Fine,” I mutter. I chug down my fourth cup of coffee that morning. No need to prove my insanity to them. “Guys, I didn’t come here to get heated, I just want advice. Interaction with people? My friends?” What a concept!

“I’m sorry Lay, we want to help.”

The wisest thing they’ve said since before Saturday.

“Honestly Lay,” Sadie begins. “I think you need to get some sleep. I’m looking at you right now and I can nearly trace the circles around your eyes. You smell clean, but you look like you haven’t showered in days. Your face is flushed and I can nearly feel your tension. You really need sleep.”

“You know why I can’t do that right? You do know why? Didn’t my mom contact you somehow? Don’t you know?” I began interrupting myself with phrase after phrase.

“I don’t think you’re insane,” Jasmine stated. “I think you’re exhausted and it’s causing you to freak out.”

“Well how do you explain my hallucinations then?”

“Simple, the doctor said you had a high fever. You were sleeping more than usual and had vivid dreams.”

“I wish…I just wish you two could see the types of ‘dreams’ I was having. I fucking wish.”

.* * *

By the time it was Wednesday, I felt like I was too weak to walk. My body could not support any of my actions. As much as I despised the thought of sleep, I knew there was only so much more my body could take before I could pass out. I considered drugs like speed, but realized it would probably only mess with my mind further. I can push sleep aside, but I can’t avoid it forever.

Not only was I avoiding rest, but I was resisting my problems. I tried to suppress Billie out of my mind, but he just kept popping back in. Whatever that was going on before hadn’t been solved, and eventually I realized this was something I had to deal with it.

Around 8 pm on Wednesday night I told my parents I was going to try to sleep.

“You can do it, sweetie!” My mom smiles encouragingly.

“If you need us, you know where we will be. Should we video tape this conversation as proof that you fell asleep in this house?” My father questioned. I giggled a bit.

“I truly hope I will remember on my own.”

“Goodnight sweetie!”

“Sweet dreams!”

I made my way to my room nearly shaking. Hesitantly I took a seat on my bed and said a little prayer. My heart was racing and I could feel my temperature go up again. The overwhelming sleepiness I was feeling tried to sweep me into my slumber, naturally I tried hard to resist, but eventually, I fell to the machine.