Five

Mike shakes his head, thoughts running wild as he became even more confused. The reason for the confusion still seemed unknown as he tried to mentally pound it down again and again, but his thoughts will not dislodge themselves.

He was thinking of her.

He had been thinking of her.

Mike's thoughts ran wild. His thoughts were usually his ballet steps, ever ready to leap and twirl. His thoughts were usually music to his soul, with a great tempo, yet soft pauses.

But this time, it was not the case. Instead, his thoughts over way for immense confusion which clouded him menacingly. His brain instead spent time processing, thoughts going haywire.

And she housing his thoughts will make them lead him to raw insanity, making him into a monster he just does not want to turn to. But yet he still leaves them deep inside his mind, close to his heart it seemed to take refuge. He really wanted to get rid of these uncontrollable thoughts but he also wants to keep them tucked deep inside, out if anyone's reach. They confuse and make him nervous, but yet they are his abditory now. They are my worst enemies, yet at the same time, his closest friends.

He was driving his car home with his brother at the passenger seat. They had just closed from the hospital. It was all silent in the car as Mike still fought hard on with his confusing thoughts.

He couldn't get rid of the thoughts of Susanna. She looked so beautiful today with the child in her arms. He still remembered her eyes, her eyes were the ocean, so full of life yet so uncertain. The blue-green hue carried her emotional currents, and before he could breathe after taking in in her beautiful eyes, he was drown. But her eyes housed pain and immense sorrow. He was really serious when he had made up his mind to make amends to everyone, especially her. he wanted to make amends.

He still remembered how Susanna always wanted to be around him, claiming she loved him. He did not believe in love back then, but now, thinking about it, she made a lot of sacrifices for him and he repaid her with nothing. He hates to admit it but he used her.

He used her to win a bet. Mike did not know if that was the reason for her hate towards him but if it were him, he would hate himself just as much.

It hurt him to know she hated him now.

Instead, her eyes housed pain and immense sorrow. He was really serious when he had said he wanted to make amends. He was clueless on what to do, but somehow he really wanted to see the light he missed in her eyes.

He did not understand why, but he wanted to see her smile. Remembering the child he carried in his arms which belonged to her, he could not still take in the fact that she was married, truth be told he fell somehow at the main thought of her being married. He just felt......jealous?

He did not know why, but he wanted to see her smile.

"Are you okay Mike? "What are you thinking that had you spaced out?" Ben, noticing his brother to be in a far away land with his thoughts asked.

Ben, who had asked about Mike’s day without an answer asked, quickly noticing his brother's unusual state.

"Can you tell me everything you know about Susanna? Like what happened to her after I was gone?" Mike asked as he took a left turn. his eyes not leaving the road.

Which Susanna if I may ask? Our receptionist?"

"No, Susanna Brownwell"

"Oh! Susanna Brownwell! She is one of my patients. What do you want to know about her Mike? Is there a problem?" He asked as he looked at Mike who sighed.

"Nothing really brother. I just want to know more about Susanna"

"But i remember vividly that Susanna was one of the girls you had used for your own selfish goals"

"I guess but you know i have been away for a long time. I just want to know what has happened to her in these years i have been away"

"You now care for her. Well now i know you have changed"

"Brother please, i just wanna know"

"She is a brave woman you know. I admire her for that"

"Uh, i met her today and also her daughter. Is she married?" Mike asked, unknowingly holding his breath to hear his brother's answer.

"She is, or should i say was married. Her husband died a year ago. Since then she had taken the role of both a mother and father to Hannah. She is a brave woman you know. I admire her for that"

Mike let out a sigh of relief as he inwardly smiled. He did not know why he felt quite happy about her being single now. For some reason he wanted her to be single.

He asked again;

"What was her husband's name?"

"Daniel"

"Daniel? You mean Daniel Brownwell? The Miner?"

"Yes, he died four months ago"

Mike knew Daniel all right. They were quite good friends when he was still back in Zades. Back then he would always give him lectures on turning a new leaf. Well he wasn't here now to see the changed man he was. He knew Susanna's last name was familiar but he did not know where he had heard it from till now.

"May his gentle soul rest in peace" Mike thought.

"What killed him exactly?"

"He was buried underground during one of his mini expeditions. When we found him,we noticed he was still alive but his skull was bashed with no hope of life. He was carried to the hospital, but i could not save his life"

"Why?"

"I needed an equipment that the hospital did not have, and the only option was to transfer him to another hospital which was quite far from Zades. Before we could even be able to transfer him, he was dead" Ben said as he shaked his head in sorrow.

Mike sighed as he looked out of his window. Now he felt bad for Susanna. Why would a beautiful woman like Susanna suffer so much?

Now he could feel the pain she was feeling. He could not blame Susanna for her pain because he knew that this was part of the pain which he and seen in her eyes. He suddenly felt bad for Susanna. Why would a beautiful woman like Susanna suffer making her to be an only parent.

Thinking of this made him feel all guilty the more.

Thinking of this made him feel all guilty the more.

"Why do you hate me so much Susanna?" He whispered, silently asking himself as he drived into the still night, his thoughts resuming the battle that had begun since his eyes had met hers.

*

Susanna smiled as she watched Hannah sleep She had picked her up from Ben's house on her way back from her Madam Shierieki's restaurant. She remembered the conversation that had gone between them.

"So how are you coping Susanna? I understand it is not easy for you to be an only parent" Sarah asked, helping Susanna to pack Hannah's things.

"Well all I can say is that I am doing fine on my own. I can take care of my daughter myself. It is not your business as it will only cost you your time to worry for me" Susanna answered, trying to zip Hannah's bag.

"I understand clearly Susanna. You have been through so much. You have every right to be angry my dear, but you cannot stay alone for the rest of your life. You need a man to take care of you and a father for Hannah. Why don't you consider getting married again?"

"Marriage? After all I have been through, you say I should commit to marriage? So that I would be labelled as the killer of another husband? Is that what you're insinuating Sarah?"

"I did not mean..."

"That is not my plan as of now. I have better things to think of than that sh*t"

"Think about it Susanna. You can be able to be happy and Hannah will also be happy because she will have someone to call her father. The burden you bear would be lifted off of you for a change"

Susanna did not answer her any further for she suddenly had an headache. If she did not get out of there, she would not be able to control what she would say. To hell with marriage. She was okay on her own and she would remain both a father and a mother to Hannah.

*

Susanna sighed and kissed Hannah on the cheek. Marriage was not what she wanted. To her, marriage was bondage. Having gone through a lot in her previous marriage, she did not want to go through tha over again. She just wanted to be all by herself because it seemed she never will be happy with a man.

Dreaming of her Prince Charming coming from up in the skies, his beauty indescribable riding on a horse with a smile on his face. Scooping her in his arms and telling her that he won't leave her and that he will stay with her forever.

That he will love her more than anyone ever did.

That has been her childhood dream version of her Prince Charming but that does not mean anything to her because the moment Mike came into her life, she knew that will never come to pass.

Daniel had been so good to her, a nice and caring husband, taking care of her when Mike had left her and giving her not only a name but a home. She could not say they were a perfect couple whom were head over heels in love with each other, but they weren't really in love.

He had waited patiently for the time she will perhaps fall in love with him and they will become one. She knew he loved her because she had always seen that love in his eyes for her. But that time never came because death himself had snatched him away.

She had mourned his death like a good wife would and decided to take care of her daughter to the best of her abilities and see that she never lacked anything.

Tears fell from her eyes as Susanna stepped out into the windy night, not minding the rain that was threatening to fall.

Let the wind blow and sing its songs to stir the emotions, let it bring the sweet memories of times gone and hopes for a good future ahead. Let the wind remind her that she was alone in this present moment.

She needed a time alone.

Her thoughts ran wild as the wind blew strongly, not affecting her in anyway.