Chapter 5

SHANE

(2017)

“Hey Finn, do you want to invite the guys to our place on Friday night?”

I landed on the couch and grabbed a slice of pizza with a thick cheese crust. As promised, we're having a movie night and pizza.

My brother has a couple of friends that he's been friends with since kindergarten. Mom, and then I, did everything so that Finn had a developed social life, and his illness did not interfere with him in this.

“Tell them to bring games over as well. Maybe I'll even pretend I didn't notice my beer was missing.”

I blinked, and my brother blushed. Yes, I knew that his friends steal my beer from the fridge from time to time. But I don’t say anything to them, because the boys don’t harm anyone, and Finn is happy when they come over.

“Maybe some other time.”

He shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the screen even though the movie was on pause.

“Why?”

I hope the guys didn't quarrel, because - to be honest - Finn does not have a very large circle of friends.

“Sid and Kev are going to Doyle Shatsky's party,” He muttered blankly, still staring at the screen.

Crap! I wanted to let out a long groan of disappointment, but I restrained myself.

It was a question of time. The boys are sixteen - it's time to attend parties and chase after girls.

I couldn’t blame them for that, but I felt bad for Finn.

“Do you want to go?”

I scratched the back of my head, thinking that this is not so problematic. He could go to this party. It doesn't have to be dancing, but he might be there.

Finn looked at me like I'm crazy.

“How do you imagine this?”

“Just like you go to school.”

He tilted his head and the bangs covered his eyes again.

“It's different.”

“Not really. You could hang out with your friends and watch others get drunk and embarrassed.”

I wanted to cheer him up. Come on, buddy, smile!

He didn’t smile.

“I don’t want to sit on my ass all evening. This is what I can do at home.”

I leaned forward and ran my hands over my face.

It's complicated. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But it gets easier: I learned a lot and most of the time I don’t even have to put in much effort. But some days...

It's times like this that I have to remind myself that it's even harder for Finn.

“Then what does it matter where you sit? “ I tried very hard, but there is still impatience in my voice. “What difference does it make if it's your house or Doyle Shatsky's?”

“Yes, Shane, it's so easy for you to talk about it!” He yelled. “You were like a rock star at school, and the girls wanted to tear you apart, just to get a piece of Shane Keller! And who needs crippled Keller?! Nobody!”

He hit the couch furiously and started breathing heavily through clenched teeth. If he could, he would run away from here. But he cannot.

I wanted to tell him that I don't give a damn. Yes, my life was awesome at high school. And the first two years in college too, and then everything went up in the ass.

My mother suddenly passed away and my ten-year-old brother "with special needs" became my responsibility. I was only twenty, and I didn't want to be the one to take matters into my own hands and make things right. But I had to because I was the only one he had left. I couldn't let someone I don't know take care of him.

Would his adoptive parents take proper care of him? Would he be happy in a new family? What if they or other children were abusing him?

He was my family - all that was left of it.

I dropped out of college, gave up my dream of playing in major league football someday, got custody, and got a job.

I matured in a blink of an eye. I did what I had to. But it wasn't easy.

Not at all.

“You're wrong,” I said quietly and looked into his eyes full of misery. “I need you.”

***

“Did you forget anything?” I asked when I drove him to school the next morning.

Our last evening ended on a depressing note: Finn said he was tired and did not want to finish watching the movie. He asked me to take him to the room.

The older he becomes, the more often bouts of irritation and blues occur.

I want to show him that even without being able to move freely and stand firmly on his feet, he can become successful. There are many options - he just needs to look a little further than his illness.

But I have no idea how to make him see that.

Maybe I should contact a specialist who will find a way to do it?

“No, everything I need is in the backpack.”

He spent several weeks preparing a scientific project for the astronomy class, and I even helped him with this. I followed his instructions, because he has a lot more knowledge of the Universe than me.

“See you in the evening then.”

“Yeah.”

He quickly smiled before turning and walking towards the school, hesitantly and forcefully moving his diseased legs.

When I think about universal injustice, I don’t think about my forced retirement from football with a real opportunity to achieve success, recognition and wealth.

No, when I think about the fact that the world is out of balance, and there are more shitty things than good things, I’m thinking about my little brother, and the disability that has shackled his body.

I turned around to get back in the car and suddenly froze: I saw Mel the second day in a row. She was wearing a fitted blue dress, white shoes, and her dark hair was pulled back into a high ponytail.

She gave an impression of a polished, rule-of-thumb person, but I know Melissa Wallace isn't like that.

While I was staring at her, Mel climbed the stairs and went inside the school building without noticing me.

She left her car in the staff parking lot. I came closer and saw a sign with her name on it.

Does Mel work at the school? Since when?

She could have been in Payson for a long time, but I’m not sure about it. Of course, I did not expect her to call me right there, once she moved to the city.

Many years ago, we decided that everything that binds us should be cut off. It's funny that we've never really been a couple either. But at some point in my life, this girl became the closest person to me.

For a while, I even believed that this would go on forever. Because she could become the one I wanted to see every day for the rest of my life.

But she had her own opinion on this matter. I had to accept it.

Now I understand that it was right. Because our relationship was doomed from the start.

Sooner or later we would have gone our separate ways anyway.

And once I was in love with her.

Now I'm twenty-six, I've had a lot of girlfriends, but Wallace is still the only one I've truly loved.