Chapter 1 A Gloomy Day

There was a small knock on the door followed by opening the door. My aunt Becca stood there poking her head inside through the doorway. She looked pale and had bags beneath her eyes. And also her face was tear stained, her hair a mess of blonde mop. Her black dress was creased and it didn't take a genius to figure out that she was crying. Sobbing to be precise. A small frown etched on her full pink lips instead of the usual sweet and warm smile. But I believe I looked much worse, much worse.

  I looked up by lifting my face from my knees. I wiped my face with the sleeves of my jumper. I looked terrible. I know that from the way she's looking at me. With pity. With sympathy. And you know what's bad? I don't want any of it. Sympathy meant being weak, feeling weak. And my mother always taught me to never look at myself as a weak person. She said I was a strong person, so I had to be strong for her sake, one last time.

  "Look, Cade. I know this is tough times for us, tough times indeed. You don't want to go and neither do I," Aunt Becca said as she leaned down and patted my head, her eyes filled with deep, deep empathy. "But we have to, sweetie. We have to, because it's the right thing to do. She wouldn't have liked you to see breaking down. Please, Cadence go with us and prove that you're strong enough."

    My eyes teared up, even more if that was possible and the tears I had on a restraint, started leaking down my cheeks, leaving nothing but damp pain behind. "But I'm not." My voice was a mere whisper, which made her snap her eyes to me. It was the first time I had spoken in days. Of course she was shocked. I continued, "I'm not strong enough to han-to handle this pain. It feels like I'm numb, aunty and nothing can bring me back."

  My aunt's tears that she had miserably failed to control were now freely falling down and onto my shoulder. "Please, Cade."

  Her heartbreaking voice sent shivers of guilt down my spine, guilt that I just wanted to thrash away. Guilt that was so poisonous, I felt like I was drowning and falling down a cliff at the same time. I couldn't breathe, and even if I could physically, my end was waiting right at the end of the fall.

  She sighed, controlled her sobs and continued, "She would have wanted you to be happy. Please don't do this, Cade. I can't see you like this. You're like my own daughter," she said in an undertone and again broke into another sob.

  I took a good look at her. She was my mother's sister. My aunt Becca. She and my mum had many similarities. The same blonde hair but my mum's was a bit of paler blonde. My mum had straight pale blond hair whereas my aunt had a darker tone and her hair was a mane of beautiful curls.

  She didn't wait for an answer and sat down beside me, against the wall. She then caressed my face with her hand and lifted my chin up, an act that my mother used to do so many times when I was sad and lonely. She used to come and sit down beside me and lift my head so I could see into her eyes. My mum's eyes were the best, apart from her beautiful smile. Her eyes comprised of beautiful pale blue coloured irises and specks of golden hues sparkled whenever she was happy. And that was generally all the time. Whenever I looked into her eyes, my sorrow would disappear. She didn't even need words to lift my mood, her presence was just enough, the presence that left me along with a hollow  burning in my chest and soul.

  "Cadence, listen to me, honey. Your mum loved you, she loved you so, so much that I can't put it in words," She started off. "Honestly honey, she was barmy for you and your brother. And I know you love her equally as much as she did if not more. So," She trailed off and joined her hands in front of me, making guilt gnaw at me. I immediately caught her palm and shook my head. "I'm begging you Cadence, come with us, or you'll regret this chance of not seeing her for the last time."

  It was easy for her to say. She didn't lose her parent in an accident. She didn't lose her mother. She didn't lose her best friend, like I did.

  "She was her sister too, Cade," my mind reminded me.

  Silence clawed at us, sinking its paws deeper. It was painful to even manage a few words.

  She sighed, stood up and placed the black dress she brought for me on the bed and started heading to the door. She was just about to turn the doorknob when I spoke-

    "I'm coming," I said meekly. She turns around and looks at me. Her eyes turned watery and glistened with unshed tears. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards into a small, sad smile and she nodded before leaving me alone with my thoughts, thoughts painful enough to engulf me.

    With a determined and steady heart, I decided to stand up from my raccoon.

  I sighed and walked towards my study table where my favorite picture of my mother lied. It was a picture that was taken a few years ago at the local carnival. I had a large pink candyfloss in my hand and was grinning goofily with my braced teeth while my mother was grinning just like me. Our eyes were shinning with happiness. Satisfaction was etched on our faces. I loved that picture despite of the fact that I looked terrible with my thick rimmed glasses and braces while my mother looked like some goddess. I loved it because it was one of the best days of my life. The picture was clicked by my father because he claimed in his words 'my photography skills put actual photographers to shame'. Well yes he did click quite a good picture but was I ever going to admit that? Nope. I smiled to myself as I remembered that day. It was undoubtedly one of the best days of my life.

  I averted my attention from the photo to my phone that lied beside it. I picked it up and scanned through it.

   38 missed calls from Hailey.

   64 messages from Hailey.

   13 voice calls from Hailey.

And a few messages from my distant relatives saying that they are sorry for my loss and messages that indirectly imply that they pity me and all that bullcrap. I didn't check those messages out. I scrolled through the messages that Hailey had sent me.

'Babygirl? You okay, I heard about your mum's accident. I'm extremely sorry I'm out of London right now and will come back asap. I can't even type rn, my hands are shaking so bad. She will be okay, I promise.' This was sent the day the accident happened. My mum was in a critical condition. Well, Hailey didn't keep here promise was all I could think of as another jolt of tears hit me.

  'Look you're scaring me. Pick up the god damned phone or else I'm going to kill you.' This message was sent the day when my mum was no more, three days ago.

  And many such messages later I finally reached the last message.

  'I'll be there in five. Don't worry. I'm with you and don't shut me out or else you're dead.' It was sent a few minutes ago.

  I stared at the message and looked at the time it was sent. It was sent at 3:45 p.m. It's 3:55 p.m. now. Crapity crap! She'd be here any moment now.

  And just on cue a car pulled up in the driveway of my house. I looked out of the window to see my best friend Hailey coming out of the car. She looked miserable. Her hair was out of the place and just like Aunt Becca her black dress was also creased. I just saw her like yesterday. But I just saw her. She tried talking to me but I shut her out. She wanted to be with me but I ignored her. I needed some time and space to clear out my head. She understood and gave me some space. She knew I needed time and I still did. But she was way too stubborn and to let me mourn alone. I knew she had promised to stay with me forever through thick and thin but sometimes I appreciate a little space, at least when times were miserable. This time it was the worst in the past few years.

I was still over thinking about things that I didn't even realize that Hailey already opened the door and was staring at me through the doorway. I turned around and saw her. The fact that I thought that she looked bad from above here, but I was so wrong. She looked the worst she had throughout her lifetime. Not even when her boyfriend Gavin of one year was caught cheating on her with a whore did she look this miserable. Sure she cried a little but soon was over him. Her blonde hair was tied messily in a weird bun. Her eyes were red and blotchy.

"Are you going to keep on staring me, all day long?" She asked as a traitor tear trickled down her cheeks. And that was all it took me to run to her and wrap my arms around her curvy figure. She hugged me even tightly and we both were silently sobbing in each others arms.

"I..." I started off trying to explain but she hushed me and pulled back.

"Hush. You don't have to explain anything to me. I understand. And I'm so glad that you decided to open your door and let me in to be with you," she said as her eyes glistened with another set of unshed tears.

  "I miss her so much already. God, Hailey! It's so hard for me to try to pretend that I'm okay. Because I'm not," I said as my voice croaked at the end.

"I know. I know you're not okay. And probably you won't ever be able to be okay. But later maybe you'll get used to her absence," she said sighing as she held me by my shoulders. Honestly this is the wisest set of words to ever leave her mouth.

"I'll.... I'll try my best Hailey," I said as I tried to put on a small smile on my face but failed miserably and started sobbing. Hailey crushed me in a bear hug and just held me like that for God knows how long. After we were done hugging, Hailey pulled back and looked at me with her amazing grey eyes glistening with tears.

"Come on now. You don't want to be late for your own mother's funeral," she said as she went towards the bed and started examining the black dress kept by my Aunt Becca.

"Go and change,"she said as she handed the dress and pushed me towards the bathroom. I sighed and went inside the bathroom.

  Quickly stripping out of my sweatshirt and pjs, I changed into the black dress. It was a simple black dress with mid sleeves and ended on my mid thigh. At the waist was a thin black belt and it looked classy in all. The dress was good but what about my face?

  I looked at myself in the mirror of my bathroom. If I said I look horrible it would be the understatement of the century. Oh my! My eyes were red and puffy from the constant crying. My cheeks were pale and didn't have the normal lustre it had. I mean it was not like I normally looked pretty. It was just that I'm somewhere in the middle of pretty and ugly. I washed my face with my lemon scented face wash. And after wiping my face with a napkin, I stepped out and my eyes met-

"Hey," Mark said meekly. And two pairs of strong arms wrapped around me, enveloping me.

Mark was my older brother, my other half. He currently studied in Manchester in a uni, but he came for holidays and weekends (sometimes). I missed him so much all the damn time. We were a huge pain in the arse for our parents. We were like partners in crime until two years ago when he had to leave for college.

  I pulled back from Mark and had a good look at him. The last time he visited was almost three weeks ago during weekend. He was almost one foot taller than me. Last time he had his beard shaved clean but now he has grown stubble. His eyes are red as well. And I know that he also has been crying.

"Why didn't you come early?" I asked him.

He sighed and said, "Well... My college didn't grant me leave before but after explaining the situation to the authority, they agreed and granted me leave for two days."

"So you are going back tomorrow?" I asked in a mere whisper.

He looked away for second and closed eyes. He looked back at me again with his eyes brimming with tears.

"Unfortunately, yes," he said and a tear trickled down his cheek.

   Silence.

"Look I want to be here with you, with dad, when you need me the most. Heck! Even I need you people right now. But I can't," he said as he cupped my cheeks.

"The college won't allow me as the semester exams are fast approaching," he explained and I sniffled but nodded stiffly.

"Okay now that your moment is over can we please get going," said a very impatient Hailey as she stood near the doorway with a tissue box in her hand. We both pulled away and looked at Hailey.

  Mark just stared at her with painful eyes. He's always had a crush on her since we were kids. But that idiot couldn't confess. Coward. Hailey on the other hand didn't exactly have any type of feelings for him. According to her, she found my brother ogle worthy but she didn't fancy him. Their relationship for her was plainly platonic. It hurt my brother every time he saw her dating some guy but he shrugged it off always like it didn't really matter to him. But it always did. Hailey didn't know about my brother's feelings for her so I couldn't really help his case. I asked Mark if I can tell Hailey about his feelings but he always ends up snapping at me. That cranky man!

  I, Mark and Hailey were going in Hailey's car while my dad and Aunt Becca's family including her husband, bitchy Taylor (she's the queen bee of our school. How unfortunate for a nerd and a queen bee to be paired up in the same family), and little Cassidy. She's just five and she's adorable by the way.

  At the end it was decided that Cassidy was also going to travel to the cemetery with us as their SUV didn't have much room to take another person.

  Hailey sat in the driver's seat while Mark sat in the passenger's seat. I being sullen and moody, didn't feel like calling out shotgun. Cassidy sat at the back seat with me. Even someone as bubbly and cheery as Cassidy couldn't help but cry. She was my mother's biggest fan to be completely honest, because my mother always gave Cassidy an upper hand. My Aunt often used to say that my mom was spoiling her. But her heart was just completely filled with love and adoration for Cassidy that she didn't mind.

  Hailey soon revved up the engine and started the drive. The cemetery was hardly ten minutes away from our place.

  The car ride was silent to say the least. Just the occasional sniffing by Cassidy. I didn't feel even feel like saying anything. Honestly, I was very much exhausted. Sleepless nights and lack of food didn't help my case either.

Everyday Aunt Becca would come and try to convince me to have meal but I didn't budge even once. I felt like I'd permanently lost my appetite. I didn't even remember the last time I shoved some food down my throat. Everyone forced me to eat but I was way too stubborn to budge.

  Soon enough, we were at the cemetery. Hailey parked her car and we all got out. I held Cassidy's tiny hand and she quickly intervined her small and delicate fingers with mine.

  The weather today was gloomy and sad. I couldn't think of anything positive as I was completely surrounded by negativity. The weather today was rainy and cloudy. It was one of those days when you just want to sit by the windowpane and read a good book with a hot streaming mug of coffee etched to your hand.

  I didn't even realise I was crying, until I felt the wetness from my tears stream down my lips, the salty tears creating a weird salty taste in my mouth. I shook my head, letting out a huge sigh and headed to where everyone was standing.

  Hailey looked at me with sympathetic eyes and gave me a sad, small and encouraging smile. I tried to quirk my lips up in a smile but failed miserably and ended up looking somewhat constipated.

My eyes automatically moved to the man who is my Superman, my dad. His eyes were lost and forlorn. His jaw clenched and his lips pressed in a thin line. I hadn't seen him once in the past week because I didn't let him enter my room once. I needed space and I was sure he needed too. He gave it to me. His fist was constantly clenching and unclenching. He looked up at me and our eyes met. And his face just looked a million times worse. He was a very handsome man, I could give that to him. He was lean and muscular but not bulky type. But right now, his eyes had dark circles beneath 'em and his normally hazel-brown, eyes that I and Mark have inherited had turned black. His cheekbones more prominent and I guess it was because he hadn't had much food.

  His eyes contained so many raw emotions in them. Anger, sadness, grief, regret, hatred and guilt. He just gave me a brief nod to acknowledge my presence and turned around just in time for a traitor tear to fall down his cheek. I knew he was trying hard not to break down in front of his kids.

A hand slipped into my other one and I looked up to see Mark smiling, a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. I nodded and we all entered the cemetery.

  My eyes wandered around and I saw that a large amount of people had gathered for the funeral. Of course. They all loved my mother. After all she was brave, wonderful and a beautiful woman. She was confident, independent and strong. One of her ability out of many was to make friends quickly. She would go to a jungle and the tribes there would elect her to be their leader. Yes. She was that friendly.

    In the front of the gathering, there laid a large oak coloured coffin, decorated with garlands of white lilies, my mother's favourite flowers. We used to have plants bearing white lilies in our backyard. Gardening was my mother's favourite pastime, apart from cooking of course. Soon the priest started the ceremony and the people started paying their condolences and prayers. The same dialogues and the same pitiful eyes continued for an hour. The people then started with their speeches and the unnecessary sobbing.

  All this while, I was numb.

  Soon it was Aunt Becca's turn to speak. She looked at her husband, Uncle Peter who just gave her a swift nod and motioned for her to continue. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, before marching towards the small stage like set up. She looked at me, Mark and my dad and we all just nodded.

"You know they say that your sister is your first best friend. They have known you all along. They know your deepest, darkest secrets. They have seen you at your best and at your worst. And they have been not only your beat friend but also your enemy. And right now I couldn't agree anymore. Patricia. She was like the sunshine of our house. You know the type of girl that always managed to bring smiles on their faces even when they are having a real bad day. She was that type of a person. I was totally different from her. I was the mischievous kid of our house and she was the mature woman in a body of a teen of our house. My parents always used to compare me with her. I mean who wouldn't? She was a blissful person with imperfect flaws of her own which were even better than being perfect. But she was a beautiful person inside and out. Her soul was a window to her purity and the purity was beautiful. I don't even know how am I ever going to live without her mature and practical outlook on life. She's always helped me through challenges and now that she's--" she paused and took a sharp intake of breath audible enough for us to realise how tough this moment is for her.

"I'm always going to miss you Pat, always. Remember when we were kids and you told me that if one of us ever left the other one in the middle of life, we won't let the fact of other person's absence get to us. And I know it's my turn to stay strong and not let your absence get to me. But guess what Pat? It's so tough for me. But I will not let you down. I love you and forever will," she ended her speech as her voice cracked at the end. But she was still holding up stronger than I will.

After a few such speeches later, it was my turn.

The moment I stepped of the stage, my legs turned into Jell-O and my heart stopped beating. A new wave of fresh tears sprung at the back of my eyes and I closed them in an attempt to stop them from falling. My hands shivered and so did my body. It was a sight to see really. I opened my eyes and looked at my dad. He gave me small reassuring smile and nodded. I took a sharp intake of breath and exhaled as I braced myself to say something.

"My mom..." I started off but soon a sob from my chest raised and I found it difficult to breathe. I decided to breathe calmly in a manner to calm myself down but to no avail. All the memories came back to me in flashes and I found my tongue tied. I was trying hard not to collapse on the stage and break down. That would be weak and low even for me.

As I was about to say anything, I realised I couldn't find my own voice. As if someone's taken my voice away. My throat was on fire, burning and asking for water to calm itself down.

I knew I couldn't say anything. I just couldn't get my voice out of my throat. So I just calmed down and braced myself to say a small phrase, anything.

I looked in front of me. People were patiently waiting for me to speak up.

"I'm--- I'm sorry," I said into the mic and sprinted down the stage, running for my life. Running away from everything, everyone and most importantly from my mother and her memories.

I quickly made my way out of the cemetery. Even if Hailey or Mark or anyone was following me, I couldn't care less. I didn't give a flying care to what people might be thinking, might be saying, whispering. They should know better than to pry into the life of a teenage girl who just lost her mother, her inspiration.

Soon, I was on the main road and was still running from everyone when my legs started to give out on me and I felt myself getting exhausted.

  Out of exhaustion, I stood in the middle of the road, not caring or afraid if I was going to be run over. But my head started hurting real bad. I felt dizziness engulf me and I held onto my head. My feet started getting wobbly and without even realizing it, I was hugging the road. I felt queasy and I didn't even realize that a bike had stopped right in front of me and the owner, who even despite my dizziness I could make out was utterly hot biker wearing the black leather jacket was making its way towards me. That was the exact moment when my body decided to give up on me and I fainted.

  The last thing I saw before blackness engulfed me was a pair of sea green orbs staring at me with concern etched on the owner's handsome features.