Five

The loud rock music blared from the stereo positioned next to my writing table, adding to the chaos in my mind. My heart pounded rapidly in my chest, a tumultuous mix of emotions swirling within me, yet I couldn't fully comprehend or make sense of them.

Something didn't feel right. These emotions were overpowering, weakening me, drowning out the noise with their intensity. My gaze remained fixed on the blank expanse of the white ceiling in my bedroom, lost in deep contemplation.

Despite the cold air blowing from the air conditioner, the burning sensation in my eyes persisted. The euphoria of conflicting emotions overwhelmed me, tightening around my throat like a vice, as if suffocating me from within. The weight of the emotions was palpable, leaving me struggling to find my footing in the midst of the internal turmoil.

The words he had left behind haunted me like a broken record stuck on repeat. It was as if I was the one who had caused tragedy to him, when in reality, he was the one who had torn me apart. He was not the victim, but rather, it was me left with shattered pieces I struggled to piece back together.

The betrayal in my heart ignited anger towards the lingering feelings that should have long dissipated. I loathed myself for what he had said. Yet, despite it all, why did I still miss him?

My heart was squeezing, bleeding, hurting, breaking, shattering, and any other words best describe it. For five years of running away, I felt afraid that I end up trying to do whatever I can think of just to forget about him, to stop thinking of him, to put him in my past grave, but I always had those last tears—the pain of the past.

I didn't notice when the door of my room opened, and suddenly the surroundings became quiet. Someone turned off the music, and a familiar sweet candy perfume lingered in the air.

"Why are you here, Sanna?" I mumbled in a tired voice. She sat on the side of the bed, but I didn't look at her. I didn't want to move, and it felt comfortable staring at the white ceiling forever.

"For God's sake, Lauren! I told you everything about myself, about my secret. I opened up to you, and it bothers me that you didn't tell me about your past! About him!" Her voice raised and filled with annoyance.

I smiled without thinking. Was this what my mother would do once I go home? Would she also shout at me in annoyance, in resentment? Yes, I deserved it. Lauren deserved it.

"I'm not joking here, Lauren Lawran!" She was mad, furious at me.

The tears I had been holding back fell like waterfalls from my eyes. For almost five years, I hadn't cried because he didn't deserve my tears. But now, I couldn't take it anymore. Perhaps it just overflowed on its own.

Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably, cascading like a waterfall from my eyes, as I lay there on my bed staring up at the blank, white ceiling. I felt so helpless, like a baby crying for its mother. The pain of seeing him again was just too much to bear, and I wished with all my heart that I could forget him forever. But no matter how hard I tried, his image lingered in my mind like a stubborn stain that just wouldn't wash away.

“You want to know everything, Sanna? He was my first love, and he was my first in everything. I was madly in love with him. We were so perfect. Perfect enough to break my heart. Perfect enough for him to lie to my face. Perfect enough for him to cheat on me behind my back. He was so perfect enough to break me into pieces,” I muffled within my sobs.

No answer came from her. I could feel her eyes on me and the surprise on her face. “I… That was so horrible, Laur…” I could sense the sorry she felt for me.

I hated how her pity seeped within my bones as if it was a torture. One of the reasons I ran away from home—from that place—was because I hated seeing the eyes of my family fraught with sorry and pity. It was just a big slap that I’d rather die than face.

“The day before our wedding, I saw him with his first love,” I continued. Remembering it caused the wound in my heart to open again, the same pain that I denied for years. To forget such nightmare. I closed my eyes tightly. “I saw him at her house, hugging and kissing her. I couldn't forgive him. It felt like my world was collapsing around me, and I couldn't believe it was real. So I went home, packed my things, and left. What did I not want? I didn't want to face the truth that although I thought he loved me enough, his heart would always belong to his first love.”

"I didn't know, Laur... Why didn't you tell me?" Sanna exclaimed, clearly upset.

"Because it was too painful for me, Sanna," I replied. "Should I have laughed it off when I shared how those memories haunted me? It couldn't have been any different."

I struggled to breathe, feeling suffocated. It was the second time I felt this way, the first being when I was alone in the hotel where I first stayed.

"I'm sorry... but have you spoken to your family since then?" Sanna asked with concern.

My head shook in response. "I haven't seen them in five years. I can't bring myself to face them. The memories of that place are too painful, and I never want to see him again. But I was foolish to think that I wouldn't encounter him again..."

Sanna pulled me into a comforting embrace as I wept. "It'll be okay, Laur. I'm sorry," she said soothingly.

****

I adjusted my gaze to my swollen, bloodshot eyes and the redness of my nose. It had been two days since I had left my bed. I needed to move out of this place. The memories I created here were unbearable.

Sanna acted like a mother, staying with me and always forcing me to eat, despite my lack of appetite.

After washing my face, I brushed my teeth. I couldn't keep my eyes like this, so I needed to cover them up.

I spat out the water from my mouth, rinsed the sink with water from the faucet, and turned it off. I promised myself that I wouldn't cry again.

‘Don't make promises you can't keep,’ warned the voice in my head.

A frown formed on my face. "This time, I’ll make it happen!" I said.

I walked out of the bathroom. My things were ready. My heart leaped with excitement at the thought of moving again.

The door to my room opened, and Sanna walked in wearing corporate attire. The crestfallen expression on her face showed that something was wrong.

"What's the problem?" I asked while brushing my hair in front of the mirror.

“Nothing,” she said, but she was a terrible liar, looking around nervously.

I put down my brush, opened my make-up pouch, and applied concealer to my swollen eye bags.

“Sanna," I said, giving her a suspicious look.

She sat on the bed and looked at me, her expression unreadable - was it fear, sadness, or a combination of both?

“It’s our problem, Laur. We can manage it,” she said, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.

My heart skipped a beat as I remembered his words. “If you want to save your friend, Laur…”

I noticed Sanna's habit of pretending that she was fine, even though she wasn't. She seemed nervous as she looked at her phone.

“Your dad’s company and your publishing house, Sanna…” She turned to face me with a horrified look, but I didn't let her lie. “Am I right? Don’t lie to me, Sanna,” I said, feeling annoyed.

What are you trying to play, Zevran!

She placed the phone on her lap, forcing a smile. “Everything will be fine, it's just something—“

“How big was your father's debt to him?” I asked directly.

She averted her eyes from me and focused her gaze on my suitcases at the foot of the bed. “Dad had a huge debt to Kent La Monte, and I didn’t know about it until the day his son showed up, demanding what my father owed. Then my father wasn’t able to think straight, and he offered a marriage with me as payment. It was not him who offered it, but my dad. I couldn’t believe it. My dad loves the company, and he couldn’t let it go. Seriously, he said that was the only way to keep us away from the junkyard. Then Mr. La Monte said the only way to save us is you,” she told me.

She sighed heavily. I didn’t know what to say. I turned my attention back to the mirror.

“I’ll find other ways to save the company. By the way, have you told Ranch about you moving to another place again?” I stopped applying foundation to my face because of her question.

Ranch, my one-year boyfriend—Sanna’s cousin. Sanna introduced him to me. They say one way of forgetting the past was to start a new chapter of your life with a new person.

Ranch Fontanyer was a prosecutor in the public attorneys’ office in the city. He wasn't the kind of perfect man, and we weren't the perfect couple either. We had occasional fights, but we never had a serious fight that required a cool-off. He understood me, he cared for me but not too much. He was a good man and would never cheat on me behind my back. I had started to like him, and maybe I loved him too.

I shook my head. “I’ll tell him once I have already moved in,” I said, putting back my foundation in my pouch and quickly applied a matte nude lipstick.

“Did he never know about your past, your ex?” she asked, eyeing me.