Chapter 4

Oliver

One thousand one hundred and eighty-four days.

This is how long I have not seen Charlie until today, and this is how long I have not spoken to her until she recognized me at the cemetery.

It’s been one thousand one hundred and eighty-four days since my heart was still until I heard "Ollie" behind me.

I did not understand this until I saw her around her sisters and mother. Charlie was crying, silent tears were running down her cheeks, but she didn't make a single sound. She hardly even moved.

I know — I've been watching her. It's strange that she didn't feel it.

I thought I could get away unnoticed, but when I heard her voice...

It was as if a bucket of ice water was poured on me. I felt like I was pushed off the roof and ran over by a road roller — and all of this in a split second. I turned around and thought:

Well, here you come, Ollie.

And then she asked me to come, and at the same moment I knew that I could not refuse her. The only time I turned Charlie down was when I went to the military. That same time was the beginning of our end.

Did I know then that my decision would bury our relationship?

No, Lord, no. Because if someone had told me then that because of my decision I would lose Charlie, I would not have gone anywhere. During that period, the army was my need. Charlie was my life.

There was no question of what was preferable for me.

Charlie has always been my top priority, but it so happened that I stopped being a priority for her one day.

“You might get stuck again,” I told my reflection as I prepared to head to the Piers’ that evening. But I immediately admitted that I never got out of what can be called in one word "Charlie", so it doesn't matter much whether I come over to her tonight or not.

I've loved Charlie ever since she walked into Miss Thomas' class in her denim shorts, holding a lilac Amazon Jack lunch box. When it comes to the absurd, I feel like I loved Charlie before I even knew she existed.

I have always loved her, and eternity is a long time.

Do you want to know how it feels to live an everyday life without the person you love, and that there is not a single chance of falling out of love in the next million years?

Well, here it is — it sucks. That sucks multiplied a million times.

“You gotta be messing with me,” Milo concluded when I told him where I was going. He was my best friend since we were in the same squad.

He had heard my drunken confessions about Charlie more than once, so his words made sense.

“Isn't that the bitch that ripped out my heart and played football with it?"

I grimaced — I shouldn't have said that, and even drinking tequila that night doesn't excuse me.

"Don't use my words against me," I warned, pulling a plaid shirt over a gray T-shirt.

"Seriously, Oliver, what are you doing?" My friend looked at me without a smile. “She will go back to California in a few days. Are you ready to lose her again?”

“Yes,” I lied.

Nothing like that. I'll never get used to losing Charlie. I have experience in this — more than I would like to admit, and it doesn’t get easier over time.

"You're lying, Sergeant Scott," Milo chuckled mirthlessly.

I appreciated our friendship, we've been through a lot together, but it sucks that he saw me at my worst moments since I got back from California three years ago. That was the last time I saw Charlie.

“Nothing will happen, we'll just talk,” I said, handing him a bottle of beer, but even I myself was not convinced. “Her father died, Milo. Charlie needs support now.”

“Where was she when you needed support?” My friend rightly remarked.

Milo's words made me mad at Charlie, and tonight I didn't want to be mad at her.

Milo never knew Charlie personally, but he didn't like her, and that's my fault. I got drunk too often and complained about her. He could not know that Charlie was not a heartless egoist, as he might think from my stories.

Charlie was the best friend and the best girl you could ever want. So I don't know what exactly went wrong and where we broke down by losing us.

I sat in the car in front of Charlie's house, not daring to get out. But there were plenty of other cars here, so I don't think I attracted much attention. We'll just talk, it'll only take a couple of hours. We don't even have to mention the past. We won't remember what happened in California. Then I'll leave, and Charlie will return to Los Angeles, and I will again breathe at half strength, saying that I'm all fucked up, and I like being alone, because I don't have time for a permanent girlfriend. Sometimes I will get drunk and call Charlie in my sleep, because every day without her is a slow death.

I'm pathetic because I keep loving her after all this time. And I hate her because I love her.