Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Aspyn

“Mom? Do you think Ariel would like a ride on the swings?”

My middle son, nine-year-old Greyson, is sitting with each and Ariel on the park bench, while my husband, Jace and our other two boys, Garrett (who’s ten) and Gregory (who’s seven), are running around playing tag on the baseball diamond. I tried to encourage Greyson to go with them, but he refused. He said that he didn’t want Ariel to feel left out since she wouldn’t run with them.

That’s Greyson for you. I don’t know if his birth order as a middle child has anything to do with it, but his little heart has always been soft. He has always had a tender spot for people or animals that are on the outside or need a little more. He genuinely tries to be kind to everyone, has a diverse set of friends and acquaintances, and it does this mama’s heart proud.

He has been a natural with Ariel since the moment she came into our lives. My other boys are very protective of her too, but Greyson just “gets it.” He has been so gentle and patient. He looks for her the minute we get to Mom’s and Dad’s place, calling her name as he goes. He spends hours talking to her, explaining what he is doing or thinking in each moment, inviting her to join in knowing perfectly well that she will never answer and accepting that she might not even be listening to him at all. He is content to know that she is comfortable sitting next to him or is comfortable doing whatever she is doing.

“Oh, hey, Ariel! Look at that blue butterfly! I’ve never seen a blue butterfly before. I wonder what kind it is. I will have to Google it. That means, ‘look it up on the internet.’ Hey, Mom! Quick take a picture with your phone before it flies away!”

Since the tiny butterfly disappears as soon as the words are out of his mouth, taking a picture is out of the question, but I don’t think he really minds. He is already telling Ariel about the shapes he sees in the clouds overhead and lamenting that he left his sunglasses at home.

My eyes get misty when I watch them. Seeing them together reminds me so much of me and Wes at their age that it hurts.

Wes is four years older than I as well. Growing up I practically idolized him—even if I wouldn’t admit it as I got older. He always called me, Sis, unless he was mad. He found ways to make me laugh even when I was throwing tantrums, let me climb into his bed when we had bad thunderstorms, and he searched for monsters under my bed every night.

He never minded when I wanted to tag along, slowing him down because I was just trying to keep up. Honestly, I don’t think it even bothered him that I liked tagging along with his friends. They all accepted that I and whomever I happened to be playing with at the time came with Wes as package deal. We could go do our thing while they did theirs, but it was an unspoken rule that they were all responsible for watching over me and cleaning up their behavior whenever my friends and I were around.

He told me whenever a boy was trying to run game on me and which ones to avoid all together. He told me Jace was “the one.” To have his confirmation of what I was feeling meant the world.

My big brother had my back; always.

He was always with a smile or a joke, and he had a diverse range of friends also. He was the guy whose friends would show up at a party and half the room never would have hung out with the other half if it wasn’t for him. Yet somehow, they tolerated each other for his sake. I think there were two people who started dating later when they accidentally found themselves attending the same college and bonded over finding a familiar face.

That was Wes. He always brought people together.

I miss him.

It probably sounds strange to hear me say that when he isn’t gone. Even when he’s not in Crystal Creek, we still have regular contact. He is no stranger to his nephews even though they don’t see him very often. They know that birthdays and holidays mean Uncle Wes is in town with all the cool stuff for them, and they look forward to it for weeks. But he’s still different. He hasn’t been the laughing, happy-go-lucky person of the past for a long time. There is a huge piece of him that is missing, just...gone.

It’s been missing ever since he went through that time in his life he won’t let anyone talk about.

Wes is a workaholic. He has become introverted, preferring more solitude than anything. If it wasn’t for the dude ranch, no one would be allowed on his land. He would have a huge gate chained at the end of his driveway. Private property; Trespass at own risk.

Don’t call him on the phone unless someone is dying or there is some sort of dire emergency. Only family is allowed to ring his phone unannounced, and even then, we’re selective about when we call versus text. The day he called Mom to ask for her help with Ariel, she almost had a heart attack. He doesn’t share himself with anyone. He only speaks when necessary, he rarely smiles anymore, and he never throws his head back in that deep, unabashed belly laugh that used to be so common.

I miss that laugh.

I thought that Ariel was changing that. It would be impossible not to see the effect she has on him. No longer a patient person, his patience for her seems to be unending. He speaks to her with a gentleness that is foreign to most that have met him. The love that one sees in his eyes when he looks at her is something I thought would never be seen again. And that protectiveness? It is the same that he had for me when we were kids, even more.

Wes is still here in town only because I begged him. He was prepared to pack up the day after the memorial, but I couldn’t bear him to leave yet. Ariel has a therapy appointment soon anyway, and I was sure that the more time he spent with us, the more he would see that he was wrong about not being able to live in the same town with her grandparents, but they – or more specifically Mr. O’Brien -- have more than proven Wes’s point.

Harassing phone calls to Wes. Phone calls to my parents that always end in browbeating to try to get Wes to cooperate. Dropping by their home announced. Interrupting the one family dinner at the diner we had attempted. He just can’t behave and let his almighty legal team that he’s always bragging about handle it.

After the diner incident, Wes is paranoid about having Ariel out in town, afraid that they will upset her with another stunt like Mr. O'Brien pulled in that parking lot or worse: just grabbing her behind our backs. I think that is a bit far-fetched, even for that man, but Wes always rolls his eyes with a scoffing grunt when anyone tries to make that suggestion. He thinks Erik’s dad is just that unstable.

Maybe he is. Mental health issues can carry through families, sometimes.

Anyway, Wes insisted on giving me every warning he could think of when I went to pick up Ariel for this family outing, giving instructions on what to do if we experience something suspicious and kept confirming that Jace was going with me just so there were two sets of eyes watching over all the kids. If he didn’t need several uninterrupted hours to catch up with work, I don’t think he would have let her out of his sight.

Once I had assured him that Ariel would be fine and nothing horrible was likely to happen between the park and Miss Mamie’s ice cream shop, we settled at the kitchen island for a few minutes, and for once all the walls were completely down. It was like I was seeing my brother again.

“Wes, what’s wrong?” I had asked.

He shook his head. “I’m afraid, Sis. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to do the one thing he asked me to do. I mean even after my last words and abandoning him when he needed me, he gave me the most precious person in the world to him. All I have to do is love her and keep her away from his parents. Loving her is easy. It's the other part that is going to drive me to drink.” He scrubbed his hand over his face. “What if I mess this up?”

“Wessss...” I drew out his name in exasperation and playfully punched him in the shoulder because we all have had some version of this conversation with him. “You are not going to mess this up. You’re doing great for someone who swore he would never raise children,” I had teased.

He didn’t respond, but his aura had still been open, so I thought I would push my luck a little. I was worried about how he perceives the fracture of his and Erik’s friendship.

“What do you mean when you say that you ‘abandoned’ Erik? I don’t think I remember it exactly like that.” I said.

Wes had looked at me like he didn’t understand my question. Like it should obvious. “We were fighting, remember? He was really going downhill with the drugs and stuff, and I tried reaching out. He was getting high when I found him. He told me that he didn’t need my help, especially since I hadn’t been around up until then, and then I got mad and told him he never had to worry about me coming back or ever seeing me again, and that was the end.”

Wes was clearly glossing over and minimizing details because Erik is gone now. I wasn’t there for their conversation, confrontation, whatever, but I can clearly imagine what happened because I had seen Erik high before. I had seen him drunk before. I’d seen him at some of his worst moments—we all had—and one thing I know is that when Erik was in that state, he wasn’t himself; he was mean. Add to the fact that he was facing the loss of a career that he had spent his life dreaming of and working for, he was hurting as well.

I have no doubt that whatever Erik said was designed to push Wes’s buttons and hit him where it would hurt him the most. I know he was lashing out, and I’m one hundred percent sure that he regretted it as soon as he was sober, but Wes himself was not equipped to deal with Erik’s needs or react differently in that moment.

“I can only imagine the pain he was going through.” I had hesitated for a beat before I continued. “You were in pain too.”

“Sis...” Wes warned. I was treading on dangerous ground.

“It’s not your fault that you were going through something at the exact same time as he was or that you weren’t in any condition to help him.”

“Aspyn, I’m warning you....” the shutters were starting to close between us but weren’t fully yet. I could have still saved things if I had shut my mouth then, but for some reason, I was desperate to get it out.

“You were! Everyone understood that! Wes, it’s not your fault that S---.”

“Stop, Aspyn!” The palm of Wes’s hand was loud against the granite countertop, as loud as his voice. “You know the rules!” He stood quickly from the bar stool, nearly knocking it over, and my heart broke as the shutters slammed down and the walls went back up. “We’re done talking about this.”

Just like that, my brother had disappeared again. In front of me was the man that looked like my brother, sounded like him, but was someone I still didn’t recognize.

Maybe Jace is right. Both of us, being nurse practitioners, know how the body heals, and he always reminds me that injuries—especially mental and emotional ones—heal the best they can, and sometimes what is left is irrevocably changed. What is left is a new normal we must live with. The Wes that made it back is the Wes we have. He is who he is.

Suddenly, the hair on my neck starts to stand up and a shiver runs down my spine. With my senses on edge, I start scanning the park with only my eyes so that I don’t alert anyone to my discomfort. There doesn’t seem to be anyone watching me. I do not see any other cars or people who seem out of place.

It must nothing.

I try to shake off the feeling, and I notice that Jace, Garrett and Gregory are no longer on the ball diamond, but I see them with Greyson and Ariel. Jace is lifting her into the swing, and Greyson is helping her to hold onto the chains. Despite the uneasy feeling in my stomach, the sight of them together makes me smile, and I decide to join them just as Jace gently starts the swing in motion.

“That’s it! Just like that! Isn’t it fun, Ariel?” Greyson exclaims. “Someday, I’ll teach you how to pump your legs so you can swing yourself.”

It is too adorable; Wes needs to see this. I pull my cell phone out of the back pocket of my jeans, and Facetime him so he can watch in real time. As expected, he is panicked when his face appears on the screen.

“Aspyn, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, silly! I just want you to see this.” I turn the camera round so he can see, and then the most beautiful thing happens. As Ariel sails through the air, a smile stretches across her face.

And she giggles.