To Hell And Back

They say child birth is the worst pain a woman can endure and I mean yea. Ow. But it was short term. Where as giving birth without the love of your life to be there with you 100% as promised 9 months prior is a different kind of pain.

***

"Mommy?" Xoana whispered as I made breakfast in my brothers kitchen.

"Yes sweetheart?" I glanced down at my dark haired green eyed mid toned daughter who looked at me with big beady eyes.

"When can I meet daddy?" She asked and her adorable face was to innocent to frown at.

"Soon baby." I said with doubt every time it was mentioned.

"Hey are you hungry?" I turned off the stove and lifted her into my arms nuzzling my nose on her cheek.

"Yea!" She giggled gazing upon the eggs, bacon, and pancakes.

I thought about Bras every moment of everyday mainly because Xoana looked just like him. The same nose, the same eyes, the same smile... it was enough to make me cry day in and day out.

"Good morning sis." Marcos walked into his kitchen in his pajamas.

"Mhm."

He sighed.

"Uncle Marcos!" Xoana exclaimed in glee of the sight of her uncle and jumped out my arms her little feet trotting to my little brother.

Marcos was 17 and forced to live on his own after Mama died so I tried to help him financially but as of mentally and emotionally? We were both unstable.

"Hey Neicey." Marcos lifted her eyes creating an airplane of her little body as he carried around the kitchen and snug into her seat just as I set her food down with her little plastic fork.

It had been 5 years and 11 months since the birth of Xoana so when it came to Bras I was so close to giving up. I could never stop loving him. He was, IS my world. Living without him this long shouldn't have been possible but I'm doing it. Successfully too.

I now had a job which shouldn't have been possible given my record and my marital status to Bras but my records had all been cleared and I knew it had something to do with my long gone husband who was probably fucking about 3 or 4 other females right now. Go figure. I don't know why I'm expecting him to look for me... I still live here in Queen's on the same turf as him it didn't take much for me to grab my keys and drive to the warehouse.

Truth be told I'm petrified. What if I walked in on Bras with another woman? That alone might break me. I just wasn't ready yet.

I don't think I'll ever be ready.

Ugh, I hate being in love.

"Sis what do you want to do for Christmas?" Marcos peeked his head into the kitchen. I shook my head and faced him.

"In case you've forgotten, this entire family hates me. No one wants to celebrate Christmas with a mobsters wife." I continued to fix my plate of food. I heard as he scooted a chair out.

"I'm sure they've looked past that-"

"Shut up. Just shut up. Our brat sisters don't even like being in the proximity of me, let alone spend a holiday with me. Stop trying to make shit better." I scowled closing my tupperware.

"That's why we should all get together on Christmas. A chance to reunite." He sighed deep. His little scenarios that everything will work out between my siblings and I made my head throb.

"I'm not interested. However, you can take Xoana. I'm sure she'd love to go." I fixed my coffee. He slammed his hand on the table and stood.

"You're her mother!" He damn near yelled. I looked up at him. I'd never made my brother as petrified as he was just now as I stared into his eyes, he slowly sat back down and frowned.

"Marcos I love you, with all my heart, so I won't let what you just tried to do piss me off. However, I choose what I allow her to do, not you. I don't give a damn who the fuck you or our sisters are to her, I am her mother. I'm well aware of the importance of spending Christmas with family, which is why I want her to spend it with you guys. Stop trying to fucking act grown and tell me how to raise my fucking child. It's the people like you that piss me off." My voice rose slightly. He ran his fingers through his hair and stood from his chair not sparing a single word. I tried to word very carefully.

Marcos is sensitive. That's the one thing that never changed. Even now, almost a legal adult, he damn near cries at the slightest sign of anger toward him. Fucking baby.