Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER pain. Berry woke up feeling nothing. There is nothing new there. It's not the first time that she felt like ending her existence. This wasn't the first time that she thought of death early in the morning.

in two years that she'd been out of that basement, thought about death never leaves her mind. Hours and days may have passed, but the thought of ending her life never changed.

It's the only thing that makes her sane. That, and pain. Lots and lots of pain to survive a day. sometimes, he asks myself if he is a masochist. And like his previous questions to himself, you didn't have an answer.

He is used to being hurt. He's used to feeling that way all the time. Pain has always been with her since she was four years old. pain and tears, her companion in her everyday hellish life.

Her void existence always made her question herself again and again. Why am I still alive? As usual. No answer. Just silence. Long and painful silence.

The idea of ​​dying has never been this inviting. she can already feel death as she stares at the ceiling. He wants to die, but every time he hurts himself, he doesn't succeed. She doesn't know why but she can't seem to kill herself.

Berry didn't move on the bed even when Clara entered the room to clean his wound. Clara's hands are callous and uncaring but she doesn't mind. She likes the pain. It comforts her. It calms her somehow.

While lying down, he turned his head towards Clara. "Can I borrow your scissors?" She asked politely with a low voice.

Clara nodded then left the scissors on top of her bed and left her room.

He got out of bed lifelessly and went into the bathroom carrying the scissors borrowed from Clara. his every move is sure. He approached the bathtub and sat there while it slowly filled with cold water.

And when the water filled the tub, it overflowed into the floor but she didn't make a move to stop the water from spreading into the tile floor. she just submerged herself and remained underwater until she couldn't breathe anymore ... Until her strength is fading away because of the lack of oxygen.

Berry caught his own breath as he went up and leaned his body against the edge of the bathtub. she was gasping for air and she likes the feeling of pain in her chest and lungs. It calms her down.

He took a few deep breaths before his breathing returned to normal.

then he looked at the scissors he was holding before opening them and burying the tip, the sharpest part, in his arm.

He took a breath and then closed his eyes and immediately calmed down when he felt the pain and numbness in his arm. he buried the tip of the scissors even more until he let go of it due to weakness.

The pain and the blood comfort her. And she's addicted to the feeling of tranquility it gives her. It's peaceful. It's quiet. She likes it.

Then she heard a voice of a little angel.

"Mommy? Mommy?"

he immediately returned to the present and turned to the open bathroom door and looked back at the bathtub where the water had turned red because of his blood.

No...that little kid can't see her like this. She doesn't want to corrupt her innocence like what those people did to her!

despite being weak, she forced herself out of the bathtub and excitedly walked to the bathroom door and quickly closed it and locked it then backed away until her back hit the sink."Mommy? Mommy! Open the door, Mommy! Mommy! " snow kept on calling her from outside the bathroom but she didn't reply. She remained silent as she held her wounded arm.

Berry struggled to pull herself up to sit on the sink and lean on the cold bathroom tile.

Blood was still flowing from his wound but he did nothing to stop it.

She just let the blood flow and even pressed her fingers on her wound to feel the pain even more.

Pain. Too much pain and she feels alive.

berry consciousness was slipping away when she heard the familiar voice of Cadmus.

Cadmus. The man who told her he's worried about her. The man who made her feel good. The only man who stayed with her and didn't abuse her. The only man who got close to her but didn't hurt her. for the first time in a very long time. That felt good.

He leaned his head against the cold tiled wall and narrowed his eyes as he stared at the bathroom door.

"I'm coming in." That's Cadmus' voice. "Don't be afraid." Buy it before entering. "I will not hurt you."

Liar. her mind screamed. You will hurt me too. Just like them. You will kill me too.

The door to the bathroom opened and Cadmus entered. Then he closed the door behind him before looking at her.

"...hell..."

Berry saw how worry filled Cadmus' eyes when he looked at her.

"H-hey..." he said in a low voice.

"What the hell did you do?" Cadmus immediately grabbed her hand, opened the faucet on the sink and cleaned her wound with cold water.

He tries to snatch his hand from her but he is weak. Her hand just trembled.

berry hated being like this ... feeling afraid and weak and pathetic all the time. But she cannot control her mind and her body. she had been through too much already to be able to recover from the hell she'd been through and all she could do is cry when she's frightened of what she had become because of those monsters...

"What the hell are you doing to yourself, huh?" Cadmus snarled angrily at him for waking him up in the present. "Why are you doing this? You're making me worried again, damn it!"

Berry felt so weak and lonely and she knew she's breaking down again. He couldn't stop himself from letting out his true feelings. he hoped this time, someone would listen to him. He hopes that he will be listened to. Anybody. Just listen to him.

Because God knows, all her life, no one listened to her and that's what she needed the most. Someone who'll listen to her. Someone who will save her. but he asked for help several times but no one came to help him. All her life, from her father, to her aunt and to her uncle, not a single soul heard her. Even if she screamed from the top of her lungs, no one would care.

She already lost hope. She already let go. she already gave up trying. She welcomes death. That's her only option. Death will make things go away. Death will save her. Death will make everything okay. Death will make her forget the hell that she's been through. She craved death. She wanted it so badly. no one would care, no one would even miss her.

But Cadmus...why is he worried about her? Does he still think that she's his wife? Is that why he is kind to him? Is this how he is treated? but even though Cadmus is just nice to her because he thinks she is his wife, she kinda liked it. Because for the first time, someone told her he's worried about her. It may not be for her, but he's still looking at her when he said it. And that...feels good. at least, somehow, he already knows that feeling.

It may be too late for her, but now she knows what 'it feels good' means.

He smiled bitterly as his eyes watered as he stared at Cadmus. "I-I wish I met you b-before they completely destroyed me. those m-monsters... those monsters..." He sobbed softly while still pulling his hand away from Cadmus. "S-maybe, m-I still have some p-respect for myself. " She sobbed silently. "I-I'm s-scared, C-Cadmus. I'm s-scared."

Cadmus looked at her, his eyes bored into hers. "If you're scared, then let me hold your hand. Don't pull away. Let me hold your hand. I swear, I will not do anything but hold your hand."

Her lips quiver. "J-just my hand? P-promise you won't t-touch me anywhere else?"

Cadmus nodded, his eyes still fixed on hers. "I promise."

She nodded. "O-okay. I c-can tolerate t-that much p-physical contact. J-just my hand...okay?"

"Okay."

Cadmus held her wounded hand. Firmly. then one of his hands opened the cabinet above the mirror and took the first aid kit from there.

And when he had utmost patience, he cleaned her wound with antiseptic and covered it with a bandage. But even though he finished treating his wound, he still didn't let go of his hand.

Cadmus sighed heavily and looked at her. "Didn't I tell you? If you want to cut yourself, call me so I can talk you out of it?"

He remained leaning on the cold bathroom tile. "W-why would—I, ahm—c-call you? I-I'm not used to people. I have a-always been a-alone."

he let out a deep breath. "Just try. Call me. Okay?"

He shook his head. "N-no use. You'll never h-hear me. Since I was young, no one would hear my begging. Even if I s-scream on the top of my lungs, no one would listen. I beg and b -beg a-and b-beg but n-nothing. N-no one came. no one."

Berry wanted to shrink away from Cadmus when he raised his hand. But his hand did not touch her cheek. You kept your distance from him.

"May I dry your tears?" He is asking for permission.

He shook his head.

"Please?" Its eyes speak. "I don't want to see a girl cry anymore, especially if it's you."

"B-because you think I'm your wife?"

Cadmus was speechless but he remained staring at her intently.

"Can you walk?" Then asked Cadmus after a long silence.

she nodded but didn't move a muscle.

"Can I carry you then?" He asked.

Berry shook her head as she shrunk away from Cadmus.

"I'll just pick you up. I won't do anything bad to you." This is it.

he shook his head then willingly got down from sitting on the sink but when his foot hit the floor, he almost fell off his feet if Cadmus didn't support him immediately.

Their closeness made her hard to breathe. she can take him holding her hand but not like this... not this close.

Her brain is alarming her of danger. It made her heart pump like crazy in anxiety. She's having a panic attack as he carries her to her bed. She was gasping for air as tears fell harder from her eyes. her body is cold and trembling. She's terrified but Cadmus manages to put her in her bed and cover her with a duvet. When her body and Cadmus had distance, only then did she breathe properly.

and just like the other day, he silently sat on the floor, his back leaning on her bed and he stayed.

She stared at the man's back, asking herself why he was being nice to her. Is it because he thinks she is his wife?

What does he want from her? Why is he being nice to me? she doesn't have anything to give to him.

She's already empty. Inside and out. Empty. Like a worthless vessel.

"Are you hungry?" It broke the silence.

"N-No." He answered in a weak voice.

"You're sleepy?"

"N-Not much."

"Does your wound hurt?"

"Pain c-comforts me." she answered honestly. "I—I like pain."

"Why?"

"It makes me sleep. And, ahm, b-because that's the only thing I can feel. And that's the only thing I know. Pain. From then, until now. That's all."

Cadmus turned to face her then put his arms on the side of her bed while staring at her. "I don't mean to pry or offend you, but, have you tried seeking medical help?"

He tightened his grip on the blanket. "Ask for help? W-for what? p-for them to pass me around until I go mental?" He shook his head. "I-I already know what they're going to say. That I have a Major depression and I should take some m-medication to make my life better. As if a piece of medicine can make me forget everything."

Cadmus stared at him intently before speaking. "I'm no Doctor but I disagree with them."

That's a first. "W-why?"

Cadmus took a deep breath. "You're not really depressed, well not at first. You were first... broken ... I think. Broken from inside and out. and being broken comes depression and suicidal thoughts."

"Its Depression. That's what the Doctor says." He then took a deep breath. She's starting to calm down. The pain in her arm is doing its work of calming her. "But yeah, I'm broken as well."

Cadmus nodded and stared at her for a minute before speaking softly. "I just want to say I'm sorry."

She frowned. It's the first time she heard that from someone sounding so sincere. "F-for?"

"For shouting at you, for pushing you and ahm ... for everything."

Berry didn't say a word. she just stared at his face.

Cadmus took a deep breath. "If, you ahm, want to harm yourself again. Remember this ... Suicide is for the weak and you're strong. Very strong. I know you are. Because if you're not, you wouldn't be alive right now."

He was silent for a few seconds before answering. "I'm just lucky... that I'm still alive."

Cadmus shook his head. "No. You're strong, not lucky. Even if you want to end your life, I know, deep down, you wanted to fight it. You wanted to live that's why you're still alive. Suicide is not the answer to every problem in the world.no one should take their own life, because life is precious, life is a gift and you, you are blessed because you're alive. A lot of people do everything just to survive.

"They would let Doctors cut them open so they could have a chance to live longer. and you, you're young, you may have suffered a great amount of cruelty but you can get through that. You can conquer your fear, you can fight those demons and prevail. Would you let those monsters who made you like this win? would you let them see you cry and take your own life like what they wanted you to do? Because if you did, if you kill your self, they will be very happy that they destroyed you, completely.

"Death will not solve anything. Death will not make you feel okay. You want to get back at those monsters? you want revenge? Then stand up, pull your self together and live. That's how you take your revenge. That's how you fight back."

For the first time, a smile appeared on his lips. She smiled. Not because she's with an innocent child but because she's with a man who makes her feel good.

"Thank you." She whispered. "But ... I don't want to fight back. I just want to die."

Cadmus tried to talk back but she closed her eyes and ears at him. But even though he did that, he still stayed in his room.

He stayed with her and his presence somehow calms her. And that scared her. men scare her but with Cadmus, she's slowly adopting and her fear of him is slowly receding. He could not get used to its presence. She's not his wife. She's not Snow's mother. She's not part of this family. She's an outsider, a broken worthless vessel. She has to leave this house, soon.

I can't stay here.