Chapter 4 - Traumas of a Fickle Mind

THE WEEK SHANAYA moved with her father and stepmother to São Paulo, we agreed to meet again and I took her for a few drinks at a very trendy bar in Vila Madalena, where the Vecchio Tour was located. Due to cell phone conversations, we had acquired a certain intimacy with each other and our friendship already allowed us to have longer dialogues on any type of subject, even the most spicy ones.

I found out during that afternoon at the bar that, despite her father's rigidity and all his vigilance over the girl, Shanaya had lost her virginity early on, with a boy from the condominium where she lived in Barra da Tijuca. It had been a frustrating experience and it had developed a kind of trauma to him with relationships like that.

— I dated this boy for about three months without major intimate contacts — he confided to me at the restaurant table —, we were best friends, we lived close together and felt a lot of attraction for each other. I wanted to give myself to a man for the first time in my life, I thought I was ready at the time, so I wanted to go with him. Because we were so close, I really believed that we had some kind of connection, but it was much more traumatic for me.

She was crestfallen. We were facing each other and through the panoramic window beside us, we could see people walking hurriedly along the sidewalk of the establishment, following each other as if seeing an imaginary single line.

— After spending almost an hour under him, in silence — Shanaya took a deep breath — without really being able to like it, he asked me if I was always “dead” like that and I was very embarrassed…

She had never told me that before and I thought it was good to let her vent. I kept listening.

— He broke up with me the next day and still scolded me, saying that he had already slept with more animated inflatable dolls…

A tear rolled into her brown eye and I stroked her cheek. He could understand all her drama and was very willing to help her with that problem.

— Maybe it was the stupid boy who didn't know how to treat you so well...

She looked at me in disbelief, nibbled lightly on the corner of a fingernail—nail biting was something she did when she was nervous—then said:

— I even had some tests and consultations with gynecologists to make sure there was nothing wrong with me, but physically, I don't have any problems. I think I need to sort myself out right here.” And she felt her right temple with the same index finger that had gnawed at the cuticle.

"You mean, since the first time with that boy, you've never done anything with anyone else?"

We were sitting at a table very close to the counter and from there, it was more practical to call the waiter. We were on the second round of draft beer. She looked at me curiously and then burst out laughing.

“Of course I did, but I don't feel comfortable with it to this day.

Shanaya wasn't a shy girl, but there was something inside her that made her a bit withdrawn at times. Talking about sex was common as long as the conversation didn't involve their own experiences. She closed herself off like a shell when I wanted to know more and it was impossible to get anything out of her after that.

We met three more times after that week and on the last one, I was already feeling hopelessly in love with that beautiful carioca, which led me to propose shortly afterwards. I had taken her to see a musical written and directed by Miguel Falabella at Teatro Frei Caneca that night and when we were already in my car, some time later, on the way home, I asked her if she wanted to date me.

"I was already thinking that I would have to ask you!"

She opened a wide smile on her radiant face and after saying a “yes” between her teeth, we kissed for the first time and it was a magical moment.

Since I was fourteen years old, when I went from being a chubby and asthmatic boy who was bullied at school to a regular sports practitioner, I had associated with several girls at school and from Perdizes, where I had always lived, but I had never felt that feeling at home. pit of the stomach that only Shanaya could make me feel. I loved being with her and there was no taboo in our relationship. We were friends, confidants and day-to-day partners. It was hard to imagine that with me she wouldn't solve her problem with sex.

Two months later, by mutual agreement, we decided to have our first love experience together and I took her to one of the most luxurious motels in the city, with the intention that that night would be special for her. I had booked the best suite a few days before and I noticed her very nervous beside me, when I finally parked the car through the main entrance of the place. She had put a dark lipstick on her lips, had done a lot of smoky makeup on her eyelids and was wearing a short, tight dress.

Time to resolve this trauma, I thought, in my arrogance, as we walked hand in hand to the bedroom.

Already in bed, I noticed that Shanaya really couldn't relax in the “Hora H”, however intimate she had with her partner. I had tried everything, I was pretty savvy on the subject, I liked to think I knew what women enjoyed during sex, but my partner was extremely insecure and afraid to go any further. Despite all my efforts to make it one of our most memorable nights, we didn't get much out of foreplay on the sheets and I understood that we would need more time together.

The next day, over coffee, I decided to raise the issue with Nalanda, the travel agent who had been working at Vecchio Tour for some time and with whom Celso and I were intimate enough to ask for some advice.

“Um, you have a big problem to solve, cat,” she said, her lush beauty and green eyes shining in my direction, “but apparently, it's not an impossible mission.

“It was like she was very uncomfortable on the bed, like she was doing it for the first time, you know? — Nalanda nodded yes, leaning against the kitchen sink counter where we were talking alone at that moment. — I did my best in the preliminaries, I did what I knew in my repertoire to try to let her loose, but it was as if she wasn't in the mood.

— Maybe it was too early for you two to try something more intimate... You've only been dating for a couple of months and you know each other more through messages and calls... This girl needs more time by your side to let go.

The coffee was already finished in my cup and Nalanda offered to pour me some more. She still had another ten minutes before she needed to get back to her cubicle on the second floor of the building.

— Try to find out from her what she likes to do most at the time of “let's see”. What makes her more relaxed, what gives her more pleasure... Perhaps you are wanting to control the situation too much and forgetting to ask her what her tastes are. I imagine it will work better the next time they try.

I decided to follow Nalanda's sage advice that I, as a dominant and dumb male, had not realized. After that, I started paying more attention to Shanaya's desires, observing what made her the happiest, and our second experience together was infinitely more pleasurable. She had managed to overcome her trauma and we began to understand each other better in all aspects.