Chapter 4

We spent the rest of the day playing cards, talking and sipping tea that we got from the canteen in exchange for Seloren's cigarettes. In the evening we were already feeling great about the whole thing and it was as if we'd been together for years, not hours. Something magnetic and fascinating had bonded us into a magical interaction. It felt right to be there together. Time went by so fast, we didn't even notice it was getting dark. Blue shadows extended from the trees and the moon appeared through the clouds, above the mountains. Seloren was trembling.

“Do you want my jacket?” I offered.

“Thanks, but it's getting too cold. I'm calling someone to bring us our blankets”, she said.

“Anymore cigarettes to trade?” I joked.

“Don't mention it: I ran out of them.”

I came up with an idea. I had a small portable music player. I set it on a slow song, with the volume just enough for us to hear without waking up the whole camp. I put it down by the gate and got up. I extended a hand to her.

“Come on. Let's dance.”

She was surprised, but smiled. For a moment, she just looked at me with sparkling eyes. Then she got up and came closer. Her arms went around my shoulders. I held her waist and started to move slowly. We stared in each other eyes, feeling something thrilling between us and around, as we were dancing by the gate, guns set aside. Our movements matched instinctively, naturally, like breathing together. We couldn't take our eyes off each other. It was like a spell.

We didn't talk the whole time we danced, but simply smiled, lost in that locked stare that spoke more than anything. It seemed so captivating. It was like flowing with music. When the song ended, we reluctantly separated, but I could feel the warmth had risen to our heads.

“This dance made me feel better”, she said. “Do you know that song that played?” she asked me.

I knew the answer.

“It's One more try.”

She smiled, saying as if to herself:

“It seems I can't catch you off guard. This song's one of my favorites...”

“Mine too.”

When we put our blankets around us, the barracks were turning silent. Everyone was asleep.

I let the music go on slowly, next to us.

I kept staring into the darkness. At night the forest was unpredictable and menacing. Every bush, every tree shadow could have hidden the danger of an attack; the barrel of a machine gun; the eyes of an enemy; the doom of imminent battle. Nevertheless, I wasn't startled or worried anymore. Being there with Seloren made the evening enchanted, and I felt fortunate to have that. Nothing else was on my mind, except the night ahead.

“Let's climb up on the roof of the booth”, I told her and she agreed.

We had a better view from the roof and it certainly felt like an advantage, to watch the valley from above. The moon was getting in and out of the veil of clouds. We stood there with the rifles beside us, staring at the mountains. I wondered what she was thinking. I could see her profile in the pale blue light, breathing silently.

“It's beautiful up here” she said.

“It is”, I said and glanced at her.

My heart was beating faster.

“You know,” she said without looking at me, “they say that you get more appetite if you start eating.”

“What do you mean?”

“I'll let you continue that”, she said simply and turned her eyes to mine.

She was serious. I kind of guessed what she implied, but I didn't dare make a move. It was so tempting though... I reached out a hand and caressed her face. She smiled at me with a pleading light in her eyes, surrendering to my touch. I stroked her face and her hair for a moment. Her eyes filled with that overwhelming light, waiting.

And then she just asked me:

“Why don't you kiss me?”

The question was unexpected. I was surprised, but captivated.

“I don't know why”, I answered because I really didn't know what was keeping me from it.

“Do you want me to do it?”

“Yeah.”

She leaned towards me but the rifle got in the way. She laughed.

“Let's switch places.”

I put the rifle on the edge and then she leaned above me and we kissed for a moment that seemed like an eternity wrapped in a second.

Kissing her was different from what I would usually imagine: it took me to another height, to another reality and a miraculous sensation.

When she looked in my eyes again we already belonged to each other.

“Now we have a secret”, she smiled at me.

“We do.”

“You're mine”, she said in a way amused, yet halfway meaning it in a more serious manner.

I smiled.

“I'm yours, if the army doesn't take me away from you tomorrow morning.”

I noticed she still shivered under the blanket.

“Listen, let's put both blankets above us”, I proposed.

We stood together under the two blankets and it got so nice and cozy that we fell asleep a few times. I kept waking up, trying to remain awake to protect her, but I fell asleep next to her, time and time again. Even if the valley at our feet could have exposed us to unexpected trouble and danger, that sleep was the safest and most serene we'd ever experienced.

In the middle of the night it started to rain and I got down to look for something of waterproof material to cover us. I crossed the yard and walked to the canteen. Everything was silent and dark. I stopped in the kitchen, looking out the window at the water running down the glass, listening to the dripping sound. I was contemplating the rain when I heard soft steps behind me. I turned and I saw Seloren there, standing in the dark beside me.

“I should have known I'd find you in the kitchen when it's raining”, she whispered. “Come, let's go back to sleep”, she said and took my hand.

I picked some plastic covers and we returned to cuddle by the gate. I couldn't fall asleep immediately, as she was looking in my eyes, her stare glimmering in the dark. She was smiling endlessly. We just looked in each other's eyes, mesmerized, holding hands until we fell asleep. When I woke up she was still sleeping, so beautiful and unaware, with her head blissfully resting on my shoulder. I moved swiftly. I knew we had to return to our posts. It wouldn't have been a good outcome if anyone saw us sleeping instead of guarding the gate.

She was so deeply asleep that she didn't sense I was standing up. I leaned back and I kissed her on the cheek and then she opened her eyes slowly, yawning.

“Wake up”, I whispered. “It's time to get up.”

She looked around as if through foggy lenses.

“Is it morning already?”

“Yes, it is. We must get to our posts.”

It felt like the most intimate thing, to have shared that peaceful sleep under those blankets with her, in total surrender. It was so enticing that neither of us wanted it to end, but we had to return to reality, or we'd be toast.

“Alright”, she said standing up. “You'll have to help me climb down from this”, she smiled a bit amused.

We returned to the gate. The barracks were waking up. The noise from the canteen was rising above the forest. A truck was brought to the front of the yard. And then there was an announcement from the officer in command.

“Some of you will have to move closer to the front line, which is higher up the mountain. The enemies are pushing the battle this way. We must stop it before it reaches the towns in the valleys. We're here for this purpose. There's a list and the ones who find themselves on it must get in the truck and be transferred to the next defense point. Here it is!”

He pinned a sheet of paper on the fence, next to the truck.

Soldiers came to it, reading the names to discover if they had been chosen to go: some left cursing and frowning, some were relieved to not find themselves there.

“I guess we should check it out too”, I said, looking over the gate to the fuss and noise around the truck.

Seloren didn't seem to care either way.

“You go and look for me too. I'll wait here.”

I went to the list, a bit worried. I didn't want our story to end. I didn't want either of us to leave. But I had to read the names. The ground sank under my feet when I saw her name written there. I read it a few times, just to make sure: there was no mistake about it. She had been selected for the front line. It seemed so unfair, to suddenly find her, to discover so much happiness with her and yet our time to be so short together. And I didn't know how I would find the words to tell her the news. I returned to her, dragging my feet slowly.

When she saw me come, she remained indifferently calm, but she looked away to the mountains.

I stood there next to her, swallowing my words.

“I'm on the list, right?” she said, without looking at me.

I couldn't lie to her.

“Yes. Your name is there.”

She shrugged and turned to look at the truck.

“Well, I might as well go and get ready.”

I watched anxiously as the truck was being loaded with soldiers. I watched painfully how Seloren brought her backpack and threw it in the truck, getting ready to join the selected group. She turned around to look at me. The sadness in her eyes almost brought tears to mine. I couldn't speak. I tried to smile at her and somehow she smiled too.

“You should see your face”, she spoke suddenly more detached, as if she wasn't really leaving.

My sorrow had taken hers away.

“I'll find you when the war is over”, I promised her.

“We'll see each other again, I'm sure.”

She jumped in the truck that had already started its engine. She only leaned down briefly to get a kiss from me.

I watched helplessly how the truck set its wheels in motion, going past the gate and starting up on the forest trail among the trees, getting more distant with each moment, almost lost out of sight. And then I suddenly reacted to the impulse in my heart: I started running after it. When I got closer she extended her hand and helped me jump inside, smiling again with that admiring light in her eyes:

“You're totally nuts!”

The barracks remained behind us.

I sat there next to her in the truck, as the other soldiers were staring at us. Some of them were more preoccupied and worried about their fate ahead, others were just glancing curiously, but it didn't matter to me. I was relieved to be by her side: I couldn't care less where the truck was going. We held hands like happy children.

“Now what?” she asked me.

“I'm coming with you.”

“You're serious.”

“Absolutely.”

“I should have expected that from you”, she added, laughing. “You should have seen yourself running after the truck. That was something else!”

I laughed too.

“I ran fast, didn't I ?”

“You did, Ky. “