Living Death

My father practically squeals as he walks into my room.

God, why haven't I locked the door when I'm only sleeping in my panties?

My head buries itself under the heavy comforter and I hold it tightly, praying that he doesn't pull out one of those stupid jokes like pulling the thing off of me or something.

"Dad, go away. I'm not fully dressed. ", I mumble under the cover and crawl myself in a ball.

"I can't believe you graduated college already and got your first serious job! I'm going downstairs, not because you requested me to, but because I don't want to cry in front of you. ", he fakes a sob.”Your cake is on the table, in the kitchen. "

When my dad leaves the room, I throw the quilt off of me and get up, my back aching from last night's game. I like to play volleyball with my friends late at night. It's actually pretty fun, despite the scary darkness. But dark is not scary if you have people with you. Just someone's presence can make you feel better and much more secure.

I look through my closet, practically digging through the mop of clothes. I've never kept my clothes in a nice order, I only push them into the closet and I fold them once in a while. Finding a shirt that is not wrinkled is a mission for me. I finally see a yellow cloth in the corner and push my hand through the pile. Turns out it's perfectly folded and I put it on after my bra. I grab a pair of jeans and slide them up my legs, clasping the button at the top. Let's skip the part where I brush my teeth and hair, go to pee and my butt almost misses the toilet but I manage to navigate it. The biggest relief in the whole world is when you got to pee so badly and then you just throw yourself at the toilet and let the suffering go with the flow. Literally.

"Allison! Hurry! I want to take a picture! ", dad yells and I roll my eyes, tying my hair in a messy bun.

I walk down the stairs into the living room. We don't have much money so it's not something extravagant and luxurious but the wooden drawers and bright curtains mixed with bright preach colored, almost white, walls are making a beautiful contrast. I love my house and I wouldn't change it for anything else, even a villa at Hawaii. Okay, maybe I would for Hawaii, I mean... but not for anything else! I swear. Crimson leather couch is calling my name and I just have to throw myself at it after this tiring session of getting ready for my dad to take a photo. I do it and let out a breath of relief right away.

"Get up and get your ass over here. ", dad demands from the kitchen and I groan, getting up after I've just lain down. I spoke too soon.

I walk into the kitchen and gasp right away, noticing the rainbow colored balloons hanging off the ceiling.

He thinks I'm five.

In the middle of this whole mess is a cake, really big and beautiful one, making me gasp again.

"Oh my god, dad! ", I rush to the table and stare at the delicious dessert.

Make my heart beat again, this is too much sweetness. I can feel my mouth filling with saliva and I gulp it down, eye-eating the cake and swallowing it right away. OMG. You have no idea how much I love cakes and cookies and brownies and chocolate and jellybeans and... everything sweetly delicious. Mm.

"I love you so much. ", I tell him and give him a beautiful smile. I don't mind ridiculous balloons as long as I get to eat at least half of this thing.

That's when he flashes a camera and takes a picture of me smiling at the food and I roll my eyes.

"Way to ruin the moment. "

"I'll keep this forever. ", he says and smiles at the photo.

"You're obsessed. ", I giggle.

"Nope. I'm just a very proud father. ", he sighs and pulls me in for a hug, kissing my cheek. I return the sweet gesture and we pull away.

"Do you think my mom is proud of me? ", I look him in the eyes. Pain flashes through them like a thunder on the dark killing sky.

"I don't know. "

"What do you mean you don't know? "

"I don't know what her definition of success is, what her definition of having a good, mature person for a child is but I only know that you are all of that. You're my biggest success, Ally. ", he flashes me a smile and I sigh, pleased with his answer but still intrigued.

He never talks to me about mom. I don't know what it is that caused him to leave her but I know it was something unforgivable because my dad is such a generous, loving man who forgives everyone, no matter if they deserved his forgiveness or not. Just because he easily gets over bad things in his life and shares his heart with everyone, doesn't mean that the others deserve him to be that good to them. They say good people don't make terrible mistakes but sometimes, good people make the wrong choice when they decide to be good. Good is not well treated in the world we're living in, just because it's only an exception. Evil is normal. I am one of those people who think positive, but sometimes, when you're being positive, you have to have a slight dose of realism. I am just seeing the world as it is but looking for its virtues, not flaws. When you look at flaws, you see many of them, that's why I don't even bother to look, I still have hope for us and don't want it to be crushed with one quick glance at the world, even if that means I'll never open my eyes.

It's hard to be wise. Smart and wise are two different things. Being smart doesn't mean you have the knowledge, it means you have privilege to earn it. Being wise is not just knowing everything and having much experience, wisdom comes in three steps. First is the want, the fire, need for knowledge and education, second is learning and earning everything you can possibly get in touch with, and the third and most important is accepting those theories, those claims, pure facts for what they are, the truth. Accepting that they're real and there's no other way of looking at them, no other perspective. Only truth. Truth hurts, but after the pain goes away, you'll learn how to like it. But always remember this when you want to learn... Life is a lesson that can't be learnt at school.

I want to know where my mother is, I want to. So badly. I need to see who's the woman who brought me to this world and gave me a privilege of existence and learning. I already love her. She must be a great woman because if she wasn't, she wouldn't have been with my father. They split up twenty-three years ago... Twenty-three guys... I don't even remember her face. I was so little. I sometimes try to imagine her features, first thing that comes to my mind is, you're not going to believe this, her smile. I sometimes dream of it. Pure soldiers dressed in white suits standing still, nicely ordered, staring down at me, hiding behind that soft pink fortress curled up at its corners. Door is opened and the soldiers are staring at me, making something dance in my stomach. That's when my dream ends and I wake up smiling like an idiot, then dramatically changing my mood and starting to cry because of my long lost mother. She's still alive, but she never bothered to contact me. Does she not love me?

Sometimes people die breathing out your name while others never mention you and they're still alive. It's the destiny, I guess. It's not upsetting, it's normal.

"Thanks, dad. ", I smile at him. "Now, are we going to eat the cake or just ramble about stupid things? "

He chuckles and gets two plates for us. I thank him and we start eating, room constantly filled with our groans, that's how delicious the cake was.

"Oh my god. You've surpassed yourself, dad. This is so good. "

"Everything for my twenty-four years old baby. ", he grins. I roll my eyes but smile anyway.

"What time are you leaving? ", he asks, now less thrilled.

"My flight's at eight, so might as well leave the house at seven. I like to be prepared before the travel. "

It's his time to roll eyes:"You're always so responsible. You need to stop with that. "

"You don't like me being responsible? ",alright?

"I didn't say that. All I'm saying is that too much responsibility becomes illness. Live a little. "

"So... what you're saying is that you want me to miss my flight? ", I question and I know I'm annoying him, but that's the point.

"Just shut up and eat, seven it is. ", he shoves the fork with a piece of cake on it into his mouth and I laugh.

I keep my promise and pack my bags around 6:45, leaving myself enough time to drink a cup of coffee with my father and for him to cry and let me know how much he'll miss me. Sheesh. I'll miss him too, of course, I just don't want to sound too emotional because he'll use that against me and tease me on the phone later, when I arrive at Vegas. I can't believe I'm actually going, this is so amazing. I've finished my college earning a special diploma for a literature class because that's where I was the best. I am starting my work at this publishing house in A. V. tomorrow. Isn't it exciting? I'm so thrilled.

I say goodbye to my dad and he hugs me several times, saying how much I've grown up, how much he loves me and how much he'll miss me. I say that I love him too and I'm going to miss him as much as he misses me, maybe even more, and he makes me take a few photos with him, then finally let's me go. I drive away into the direction of airport.

Next stop: The world.

Well,actually, Vegas. Haha.

"I can't believe you're really going... ", Sarah hypnotizes me with her pure green eyes that hold that rising sun glow in them.

I nod at her and offer her a small smile, opening my arms for her to step into them. She hugs me really tight and I laugh.

"Hey, hey, we're adults, Sarah, not kids. We can visit each other every once in a while. ", I say and we pull away, she nods.

"Skype me? ", she puppy-faces me and I laugh.

"Always. ", I grin at her and seem to lighten her mood.

"What about me? ", Fletcher asks and I roll my eyes and nudge his shoulder.

"You'll be on the skype with her, duh. You live at the same place. ", I point out, they're siblings after all. Both still single and ready to mingle.

I can't wait for both of them to find love of their lives, the thought itself is so exciting. The weddings, the ceremony, beautiful dresses and tuxedos.. Okay, I've gone too far.

"Well.. I guess we'll see each other.. later? ", I say as the flight attendant announces for everyone to board in.

I hug my friends once again and walk off, pulling only my small suitcase behind me.

When I get in, I look down at my friends who are waving. I smile and wave back even though I'm pretty sure they can't see me. Seat belt buckled up, snacks are here and ready for me to dig in, weird grandpa sitting on the seat next to me, alright? I'm ready to go.

The plane takes off and excitement in my stomach grows. I can't wait to finally arrive and experience new things, meet new friends and colleagues and hit some libraries. I heard they are good. I'll become a member right away, that's the first thing I'll do.

Las Vegas, here I come.