It Is Not You That I Love

"are you Hensley Williams?" I asked the young man who was sitting in an extremely quiet room by the window, yet staring at the brown and white coffered ceiling above. appearing to be lost and out of this world. Hearing that, he slowly turned around and looked at me. I was standing on my blue adjustable belted blazer and blue long pants set, with black stilettos, holding a blue embossed satchel bag and note book in my hands.

"If I remember correctly, yes." He responded, with a voice thin like ice. eyes red and swollen like that of an abused woman.

I pitifully looked at him for a second, as he now tucked his shaking hands on the black hood jersey he had on, before grabbing the black office chair near the corner and sat across him. the young man looked like he was in his 20s.

"Do you not remember your past? Your life before you got here?" I inquired, trying to get to know him.

like any other patient of mine in the rehabilitation centre, the only thing I was told about this man was his background. However, just by looking at him, I could already see he was deeply bruised.

"I try not to... which is why I drink. I'm not an alcoholic like you all believe. I drink to forget." He calmly stated. His eyes turning back to the ceiling. it was as though he found some kind of solace up there. His thin hands were still shaking in his pockets.

"And the drugs?" I curiously asked, looking at him as I sat on the chair alongside him with a pen and a notebook in my grasp. Trying not to open it, for most people hate it when therapists write when they are trying to open up to them. It suddenly makes them feel unsafe and hesitant. I wanted him to feel as safe as possible, for the only way I could help him was if he truly opened up to me.

He shifted his red puffy eyes from the brown and black coffered ceiling and looked at me with no facial expression and asserted "They work faster."

I could see he was trying so hard to hide the pain. and maybe that was his defence mechanism, not letting people see his vulnerability. perhaps that's why he tried to drown it with alcohol and ended up addicted.

"Can we talk about it... What you so badly want to forget?" I carefully suggested, my eyes still on him. he moved his away once more, trying to run away as he thought it best.

"Please." seeing as he seemed unwilling, I pleaded. Hensley quickly turned around.

"I just told you, I don't want to remember!" He snapped, standing up from his likewise black office chair. attempting to walk towards me, but also quickly turned around again and rushed to the white corner of the room, where small brown vase of flowers sat. seeing that, I also stood up from my chair.

"Keeping things within is not good Hensley. Please, let's try to talk about it. I'm simply just trying to help." I pleaded once more, still standing up as I now watched him fuming in the corner near the vase. Hensley turned around again, looking at me.

"Really? You are trying to help me? Really!" He snorted once more, remaining by the corner.

"Yes Hensley." I said, sacredly walking towards him. my voice soft like summer rain, hoping it would calm him down. But unfortunately, it didn't. Hensley was still snorting “then make me forget completely. Erase my memory! That is the only way to help me!"

His puffy eyes turned more red as he shouted, his hands shakier and tears formed in his eyes.

Seeing that, I rushed to him, and hesitantly placed my hand around his shoulder. Hensley began to sniffle.

I slowly and softly whispered "It's okay Hensley. It's okay." I could see he was deeply hurt and that broke my heart.

"No it is not! It's not okay! She broke me. she broke me. I gave her everything, everything and in return she took everything from me. My heart. My soul. My strength. Everything!" Hensley shouted as he left my embrace and began to pace around the room. I realized he was now hitting up, wanting to vent. this was my chance to get him to talk more and let it all out.

So I looked at him and exasperated "No she Didn't take, you gave her willingly."

Hearing that, Hensley became angrier. He stopped shouting and sat on the chair again.

"Isn't that what lovers do?” he asked turning around and looked at me.

“give whole heartedly, willingly. If you love someone you give your all. You do anything for them, isn't that so?" He continued. His voice was now low and soft like that of an old woman laying in her death bed. I could hear the pain in it. I could feel it. furthermore, I could see the pain in every part of him, now clearly that I couldn't even answer but only look down.

"Answer me!" shouted Hensley, upon my silence.

"Yes that is true." I replied, trying to raise my head and looked at him.

Hensley stood up again, now slowly as he asked "Then why? Why was it different for her?” He tucked his thin hands back to his pockets and looked down, awaiting my answer.

"Love isn't always reciprocated." I opened my mouth and gave an answer Which broke his heart even more. Hensley looked at me with no facial expression. His face only filled with tears footprints.

"Then fuck it..." he retorted.

"Language." I chided him as I walked back to my chair, which sat not so far from his corner and faced him.

"No fuck it... to whoever said it only works when the man loves more. fuck it, it only works when she loves more!" He angrily shouted, pacing around the white painted room.

"I hate myself for being stupid." he continued talking as he stopped pacing. making me stand up from my chair and walked towards him.

"Hensley you cannot punish yourself simply because someone you love broke your heart. You cannot give up on life because a person didn't see your value." I tried to console him as I tried to hold his hand. Hensley refused moving away.

"You don't understand! You don't understand!" he shouted.

"Then let's try it again. help me understand, tell me what really happened. everything, from the beginning. tell me how you ended up here." I calmly suggested as I took a few steps towards the centre, following him. Hensley turned around looking me. I looked back at him with understanding eyes, praying he would give in and open up. Seeing that, he walked towards his chair and sat down. turning his red puffy eyes to me again.

"Everything?" He asked

"Everything." I replied as I also sat down, getting ready to understand his story.

“it was one afternoon after school, I was in grade 8. Freshman year. It was raining. intensely raining. I don't recall why, however my driver was late, which implied that I had to wait in transport terminal much longer than I usually did, in that chilly weather waiting for him. and the more I waited, the more I froze. I waited there for a couple of minutes, shaking in my light White shirt and pants. I don't know how but I had also left my jacket that day. Possibly, Satan was pulling pranks at the forefront of my thoughts, for just as I stood there. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I pivoted, just to meet this beautiful young lady I had at any point seen. she looked at me grinning as she expressed

" my Transport has arrived, here. you will give it back Tomorrow." she said as she gave me her blue and yellow school jersey. Leaving me puzzled. I mean this young lady didn't have any acquaintance with me, but she was offering me her school jersey since she saw I was freezing. She probably been a heavenly messenger right? That is what you think right?

Well I know, since that was what I thought too.

"Ring!" as I was all the while gazing at her dumbfounded, her Transport hooted and she ran and got in before I could even say "bless your heart."

I looked at the white quantum transport, even after she had climbed. Still astonished by her kindness, prior to turning my eyes to the blue jersey which smelt so much like Christmas. great fragrance, desserts, Cookies all blend in one in those little pockets it had underneath.

"She should be a junk food lover." I grinned at that idea as I put the jersey on. Few seconds after, I heard my inept driver hooting. reminding me that I was distraught couple of minutes prior.

Normally I would have yelled at him for deciding to come late and cause me to experience the ill effects of the chilly weather. I would have nibbled his head, however that day. that day I was blown away that I was unable to think or even consider words to swear at him.

With that, I pivoted getting my school bag on one of the blue built in benches in the transport terminal, prior to pivoting and bounced in the black Mercedes Benz the man chose to come with.

"Great day Mr Williams!" Expressed the man as he watched me through the silver and dark mirror confronting the back seat. prepared to get some swearing, however surprising him, I just turned around putting on my earphones and faced the window.

I recall quite well, I was quiet that day and kept on grinning at myself the entire journey and even at home.

I was unable to quit thinking about the heavenly messenger whom had filled my heart with joy, that I couldn't wait for the next day so I could see her once more. and that was when I remembered " I didn't get her name."

" Flip. Where and how might I even beginning searching for her Tomorrow?

the contemplations entered my thoughts as I currently jumped inside my fluffy black and white covers, preparing to float off to fantasy land, so Tomorrow came sooner.”

I watched the young man as he sat down explaining. His thin hands still wrapped up his pockets. I looked at his eyes and saw this light which gradually advanced around with each word he articulated about her. and the more he talked about her, the more he shone. It was like the young lady without a name at this point, was for sure his light once. I started to comprehend, if in reality indeed she was his light, it clarified why now he was left covered in darkness.

"what occurred afterwards? The next day? Did you get her name? Did you find her?" I asked as I saw him, currently tapping his left leg on the brown tiles installed on the floor. he rose his head and looked at me again.

“No I didn't... I didn't find her. I mean without a name nor grade how would you begin searching for a person in a secondary school of around 800 learners. it was impossible, I mean it seemed impossible.

I pondered around transport terminal with one of my friends in those days during break, wanting to maybe bump into her.

"aren’t we supposed to rest? I mean we have maths after break, and.." Sean expressed, after pondering around for practically 50% of our mid-day break duration.

"and what? Please Sean just do this one thing for me and I will owe you." I intruded on him arguing. furthermore, he quit strolling and turned to look at me.

"alright tell me Hensley, what are the chances of finding a girl without a name in a school loaded with million learners?" He asked, standing on his yellow and blue school tracksuits, while tossing his likewise thin hands noticeable all around. Making me start to question if I would even find her.

"But Sean I need to find her. I mean what if she's cold and need her jersey?" I attempted to idiotically contend, however Sean wouldn't hear it.

"What if she's not?" He immediately reacted as he kept his brown eyes on me.

"You don't know that." I expressed. Sean turned around tossing his hands noticeable all around again as he stated;

"Proceed with your quest alone, I will go and eat."

What's more, he left me standing there yelling;

"But Sean. Sean please! Mate!" I yelled out with no luck of seeing him turning around until I surrendered and left too. telling myself that perhaps I would see her again after school, however I didn’t. I returned home heartbroken with the jersey which presently no longer possessed a scent like hers, subsequent to having the helper at home wash it so I could impress her.

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